Comforting Aubrey
by BlueDreamer31
Summary: Aubrey has anxiety, but no one knows this - she's so scared of people judging her for it. Her mum had to go through hell, and came out much stronger from it, while she crumbles under stress. Dean is a confident teenager, who knows nothing of worry...that's what he tries to convince the world of. So what will happen when they discover that Aubrey's scared, but Dean is too?
1. Chapter 1

Sitting with my back against the wall of my house, sun in my face and a book in my hands, I left my mind wander.

I bet somewhere out there there's a girl who isn't allowed to go outside. Who has parents that keep her locked up, tidied away from the world so she can't leave her mark. She probably looks out her window every morning, wondering what grass feels like under her toes, or sun on her face, or freedom through her. She barely smiles anymore, and her skin's so pale that she thinks that one of these days someone will glance in her direction, and look right through her. She reminisces about that time she went to the beach, or that other time she went to the park. But they were so long ago that she doesn't even know if they're real anymore. When people see the scars on her wrist, everyone understands.

I bet there's a boy out there whose parents have passed away. He sits in the dark in his room, wondering if he closes his eyes for long enough the world will simply pass him by. Forget there's a sad boy in a dark place with no escape. He doesn't remember what happiness feels like, but he doesn't care. He doesn't want to feel it without his parents with him. He thinks that if he does anything but mourn, he'll be destroying their memory. Not missing them enough. When he grabs a razor one particularly dark night, no one judges him.

I bet there's a girl out there, and she's being married to a man she doesn't know. He's 30 years older than her, and has had 2 wives before her. No one knows what happened to the other two. But when she closes her eyes all she can see is what he must've done to them - what he'll do to her. The wedding's tonight. She covers her ears to try to block out the screams that resonate within her head. She sees a razor on the bathroom sink, and it seems to hum with the possibility of driving out the pain and the fear. No one judges her.

I bet there's a small boy out there, who's only known pushes and shoves his whole life. Even when he's alone he can hear his peers' daunting remarks. He wants them all to go away. He wants to feel like he's alive for once, instead of the constant monotone pain he's been feeling for the past year. But nothing's enough to drive the hurt away, it's so deep rooted in his soul that he cries tears of blood, and his heart sinks further into his chest the more he lives. So he pulls blades across his broken skin, hoping it'll fix the brokenness inside himself – and people comprehend that it's because his life's not good, that there is no good.

I bet there's a girl out there, and all she wants to do is go study. She's got a brilliant mind, and she knows it. Her father can barely add up the bills of the month, but she… Well, she's special. She could multiply from the young age of 4, and at 18, she can do all sorts of maths, all which make her soul feel like it's alight. Her sisters watch her slave over a new enthralling problem. They comment how boring it is, but she doesn't think so. When she scribbles down numbers she feels a tingle in her fingers and a happiness in her heart that she can't help but smile. But her dad's taking that away from her now. She needs to work at the farm. Soon the only maths she'll be allowed to do is adding up the bills. And one of those days, when the only thing that makes the world leave her be is ripped away from her, she decides she needs a new remedy. Her friends want to help her, but they know why she does it.

And then there's me. There's a girl out there, who has a perfect life. She isn't locked up in her room, she knows what grass feels like and how blue the sky can get and that the beach isn't just a figment of her imagination. She has both her parents alive and well, happiness isn't something she fears. She isn't bullied, and her life isn't just one endless stream of beatings. She's not the best at studying, but she'll get the chance to go to college and face all those maths problems that make the world fade away. She knows that if people ever discover her scars, they'll judge her.

What if nothing's truly wrong? What happens if you're the girl at the end, who's just sad? What if "just sad" isn't enough?

Closing my eyes to keep the tears out, I tugged down my sleeves. There was no one around, and my scars were already covered, but I couldn't help but feel like the minute I slipped up there'll be a billion eyes at the ready to judge me. I could already hear their whispered words.

"What does _she_ have to be sad about?"

"God, I'd do anything to have her life, what is she even doing?"

"She's just trying to get attention."

I shook my head at myself quickly, knowing this train of thought would get me nowhere. I'd never get caught - I was incredibly careful when it came to my scars.

I was just scared. Just tired of this life. Just sick of having to deal with all those days that were the same. I was alive, and maybe that was enough to feel the sadness that rested heavy in my chest.

 _But what if "just sad" isn't enough?_

 **Hi :)**

 **So, this is the story I've been promising you guys for 3 months now! Haha, a bit late :/ But, well, better late than never, I suppose? Also this story's going to include quite a bit of mental illness issues, if you hadn't guessed already, so I feel the need to put a warning for that on here.**

 **Aubrey's Petal's daughter, from my old story Fixing Petal. But you don't really need to read the other story to know what's going on in this one, as it'll all be explained through Aubrey's feelings.**

 **Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the prologue, and tell me what you think :)**

 **Bye bye xx**


	2. Chapter 2

I wrung my hands nervously, as they became clammy in fear. I took a deep gulping breath, like I was drowning in the ocean, struggling to keep afloat, and only had one last breath of air I could inhale. Mum knocked on the door, the action causing it to rattle lightly in its frame. It was enough to make me stick my whole body against the wall, trembling. They couldn't drag me out. They _couldn't_.

"Honey, are you getting ready? You need to leave in 20." A part of me hoped she meant 20 years. Trying to get my breathing under control, I went for the sleepiest voice I could manage. I still sounded tense, it would do though.

"Mm? Yeah I'll be up in a few minutes."

"Alright, hurry." I heard her receding footsteps down the hall, but my stance didn't relax. Nervously, I started scratching my arms, the monotone nature of it helping to calm me down. Thank god none of my scars were very recent, or else I might've accidentally opened one up. That was always incredibly bloody, and I didn't have any time to spare this morning to clean up a mess.

I could still refuse to go, a small part of me whispered. I crushed it immediately. If I suddenly cancelled this summer holiday my parents would ask questions, and I wouldn't have a way to answer them. 'Sorry, I've just been self-harming for 2 years, and I have anxiety disorder, which means that this trip makes me have panic attacks. Why didn't I mention this before? Oh, you know, reasons. You think I'm just doing it or attention? Alright, cool, I'll just get in the coach. See ya'. That wasn't happening.

"Aubrey!" Checking the clock on the wall, I saw it had already been ten minutes. I felt lightheaded. The scratching increased. "If you don't get up you're not going to make it!" Mum's shouts became louder, although her tone was still soft. I needed to snap out of this. Quickly jumping off the wall, I scurried into the toilet, hoping no one would see me. Once there, I splashed water on my face, trying to get my breath under control.

I was still jumpy, and my hands shaking, but it would do. With this impending doom over me, I'd never calm down to normal levels of stress. I was spending _15 days_ away from my home. With strangers. There was no way I could relax.

"Aubrey, mummy says you need to go downstairs." Mum had sent up Faun, who was bouncing excitedly. "This is gonna be so much fun!" Forcing a smile onto my features for her benefit, I nodded, scooping her up into my arms.

"Definitely! Summer camp! Summer camp!" I started the chant, Faun joining me straight away. We pumped our fists into the air as we thundered down the stairs. I was glad that she was distracted, which meant I could let my smile drop. I was sure fear was clouding my features. Mum greeted us at the bottom of the stairs with pancakes, nervously flitting around us.

"Do you have your bags packed?"

"Yeah." I had to force my face to smoothen out. My voice sounded panicked even to my own ears, but mum was edgy too so maybe she'd just chalk it up to this being a healthy, normal amount of nerves. Instead of stress that had fallowed me for months now.

"Toothbrush? Hairbrush? Deodorant?"

"I've got everything mum, relax." That was rich, coming from me.

"Alright, the bus will be here in 5 minutes so eat up. Come on, come on!" With that she left, muttering about Gabe needing to be fed. Our house was always in chaos. I liked to think that that's where my anxiety had initially come from – being unable to control anything. After all, going into unknown situations that I wouldn't be able to control was my biggest problem. Hence why this trip was such a big deal. I had _no_ idea what was happening, only that I'd be one of the leaders for little kids.

Hurrying into the kitchen, I stuffed pancakes down my throat, even though I felt like I was just going to throw them up. A honk from outside sent me jumping into the air, the pancake stabbed on my fork flying across the room. Growling in frustration – but also to hide my whimper in fear – I grabbed it off the floor. Then I ran out of the kitchen, straight to the front door. I knew that if I postponed this any longer I'd end up chickening out.

Deep breaths. _Deep_ breaths. Oh god this wasn't going to work out this was going to be a disaster I was going to _die_. Immediately all the things that I'd been pondering could go wrong flooded my brain. All the other leaders might hate me. All the kids might hate me. I could drown. One of the kids could drown, or die some other way, or get lost. The activities might be too difficult for my weak physique and everyone could laugh. I might get roomed with an annoying girl. Or a girl that finds me annoying. If we had communal bathrooms I might not be able to cut. _Oh god oh god oh god_.

"Come on sissy." Evelyn grabbed my hand, dragging me from where I'd been frozen on the porch, staring at the bright yellow school bus. The 5 of them (Ben, Caleb, Darien, Evelyn and Faun were coming to this trip. Gabe was too young to) smiled at me. I weakly pulled the corners of my lips up in response. It wasn't really a smile, more like an upside down grimace. All the awful things that could occur this summer kept thundering in my head. We got on the coach and got signed in, but I was still focusing too much on my thoughts to realise. Evelyn took me to an empty seat, so that I could sit with her and we could have 'the greatest trip ever!'. I didn't know if I was even capable of talking. It was a good thing the littles were too young to be able to see past my stoic façade. Mum would've been able to.

"Alright guys, are you ready for the best summer of your lives!" A guy around my age, with blond hair that spread in every direction chaotically, stood up. He was answered with an uproar of cheers from the kids. I could swear I heard an 'oh my god fuck this shit' from another leader in front of me. The boy continued to smile his radiant grin, illuminating the whole bus. "Well then how about we get this party started? Who knows the wheels on the bus go round and round?" There was no way he could be this enthusiastic about a kid's song, but his eyes continued to shine.

All the kid's hands rose up, and so the worst 4 hours of my life began. All the while, I stared at the boy, who was still standing up even though I was pretty sure that was illegal on a moving bus. He was so confident. If anyone had told me to get up in the middle of the aisle and start singing songs I would've freaked out, and, shaking my head vehemently, have run straight out of the bus.

After a while, I lost interest in him too, sinking back into my seat. Sticking my headphones in my ears, I tried to drown out the screaming children around me. All I could hear in my head were his words 'are you ready for the best summer of your lives!".

Yeah, right. No way in hell.

 **Hi :)**

 **Nothing exciting really happened in this chapter, sorry about that, but it'll start picking up in a couple of chapters :) This was just to introduce everyone. Also, I thought I'd clarify who everyone is. So you've got Petal and Gray who are their parents, and then the siblings, and their ages, are as follows:**

 **Aubrey - 17**

 **Ben - 9**

 **Caleb - 7**

 **Darien - 6**

 **Evelyn - 5**

 **Faun - 4**

 **Gabe - 2**

 **So they've decided to continue the whole alphabet thing, which should hopefully make remembering that names a bit easier. Hopefully.**

 **Anyway, thanks for all your reviews, it's so overwhelming to get so many on** ** _the first_** **chapter, so that's awesome, thanks so much :)**

 **Bye bye xx**


	3. Chapter 3

Once we got to the camp site, a proper adult took over from Mr Confident. He dragged them all to the cabins, telling us that we could do whatever we wanted until dinner time. Which left me with the trauma of not knowing what to do. Should I talk to people? Stand there awkwardly? Stalk off the read somewhere? Go find my cabin? I felt myself becoming short of breath. And then, the whole world stopped.

"Hi." Snapping out of my reverie I saw Mr Confident standing in front of me, with a lazy, easy grin on his features. He made smiling look as easy as breathing. He stuck a hand in his hair, ruffling up the mess it already was. It looked so soft, almost like down. "My name's Dean." He stuck a hand out for me to take, which I shook tentatively. Instead of replying, I just gaped like an idiot. In none, absolutely _none_ of my ideas did a leader talking to me _first_ ever register as a possibility. "And yours?" He prodded, making me realise I still had to formulate an answer.

"Uh, Aubrey."

"First time?" I nodded deftly. "Yeah, it's always hard the first year, but then you have so much fun that coming the next year just seems like the only option." I didn't think that would be likely, but I nodded again anyway, not wanting to reveal how nerve-wrecked I was about this.

"Yeah, I came when I was a kid, and my mum wanted me to come with my siblings." The words left my mouth forced, but at least they came out. I had to stay positive about this, or I might just throw myself on the ground and sob. A hot guy was talking to me. _A hot guy was talking to me_.

"Ah, were they the massive group that came on last?" I gave a short nod, not really trusting my voice by this point. "You've got a lot of siblings."

"Tell me about it." I rolled my eyes, then changed my mind half way and looked down. I didn't want him to think I was being rude or anything. He was my only opportunity by this point to get a group of friends. Or maybe just one friend. One would do. I just needed someone that I could keep as a reference point for what to do. I didn't want many friends anyway, people just ended up betraying you in the end.

"Dean, don't hog the new girl all for yourself." A bubbly blond came over to us, all smiles and sunshine. Did everyone in this camp have happiness to spare? I had a feeling I was going to stick out like a sore thumb. "I'm Grace, you?"

"Aubrey."

"She's the one with the 5 siblings." Added Dean. Grace whistled in response, giving me a sympathetic look. I didn't bother correcting him, to say I actually had 6. Our conversation turned into a massive rant from Grace about her 2 brothers, and how she wouldn't be able to stand having 5. Dean joined in, laughing at all the right places, adding in comments about his older sister. I was forgotten, sinking into the background. I didn't care, all I needed were people to cover up my back. Someone to stand next to so that if anyone looked in my vicinity the first thing that popped into their head wouldn't be 'loner'.

I thought the conversation would never end. They just kept putting in more and more topics to talk about, until I felt they _had_ to run dry. Luckily we were saved from that demise – and me from having to actually input anything into the conversation – by the adult coming back.

"Alright guys, gather round. My name's Hugh, for any new campers. Like always, cabins have been arranged by gender and you'll be in groups of three." He started rattling off names, with cabin numbers. I had to bite my tongue to stop my disappointment from showing when Grace didn't get put with me. I'd been hoping that god would be merciful for once, giving me a dorm with someone I didn't have to initiate a friendship group. I was never good at that. "Cabin 7A, Dean, Josh and Aubrey." At first my name didn't even register. Once it did, I felt a wave of cold sweep through me. If I didn't speak up I'd have to go through a whole summer of rooming with boys. If I did I'd have to deal with speaking up in front of people. I started shaking. _What do I do what do I do what do I do._

"Sir? Sorry, but did you just say Aubrey's in our cabin?" Dean's voice cut clean through me, halting my panicked brain. Thank god for confident people.

"Yeah, Aubrey Benedict. No complaining about who you get roomed with."

"But, sir-"

"No complaining." He continued reading off the list, the wave of dread coming back. Now what? Was I supposed to speak up and tell him that there had been a mistake? I couldn't do that. I _couldn't_. I didn't even know if I could speak, my throat had clogged up. As discreetly as possible, I started scratching my arms. I had a thin sweater on, so it wasn't as effective as it could've been, but the movement relaxed me. Up, down, up down. Slowly, it increased in pace.

"Hey, wanna go speak to him now?" Jumping about a foot in the air, I turned around to see Dean looking at me, that radiant grin still plastered on his features.

"Uh, sorry?"

"He finished talking, so we can go now to tell him there's been a mistake. They might've just thought Aubrey was a boy's name."

"N-no, it's fine. I can go later." Everyone was going to their cabins now, if I didn't follow them then I'd be the odd one out.

"Don't be ridiculous, if we don't fix this now then they might just ignore us later. They like doing that a lot. Come on." Pushing my elbow slightly, he took the lead, walking slightly in front of me. I scuttled behind, trying to postpone seeing the adults as much as possible. I didn't like communicating with new people. At all. I guess going with someone would help, yet this didn't stop my nerves from being haywire. Normally my anxiety wasn't this bad, it had been a hard day though. Taking a deep breath, I started scratching again. This time, as I was quite close to Dean I made sure I didn't pull up my sweater. I didn't want him to see the awful scars lined there. I didn't want anyone to.

They'd all judge me. Say I was doing it for attention. I was sure even my mum would, especially considering the difficult situation she came from. If anyone had a reason to have anxiety and to self-harm it would be her. Yet she was strong through all that happened to her. I'd never have that strength. And I'd be mocked for that. By hiding, I suffered in silence, but everyone thought I was ok, so I was.

Dean startled me by knocking on a cabin door we'd reached. I was too jumpy today.

"Come in!" Was called from inside. My scratching got worse, even though I tried to slow it down. I couldn't let Dean see. I forcibly removed my hands from my arms, just in time, as he looked back at me to smile. Pushing the door open, he motioned I should go first. It was a nice gesture, and it would've made me blush, had the thought of facing the adults first not been so terrifying.

The second I stepped inside the room my eyes went frantic, looking for any exists. There was only the one, with a few windows scattered throughout. My breathing became tight. This was already going awfully.

"What can we do for you kiddos?" There was a woman smoking by the window, and Hugh was laying on the couch staring at the ceiling. They looked like they'd rather die than be here. These people were more up to my speed. Regardless, I didn't let my tense muscles relax.

"It's about the cabin partners." The man sighed, sitting up. He glared straight at Dean, looking past me as if I didn't exist. I had a feeling these two had a rivalry thing going on. That didn't make me feel any better about being in this room. Tension fizzled in the air, making my body feel more on edge than it already was.

"Look kid, you're here to do a job, and not complain. So if you-"

"But sir, you put a girl in our cabin."

"-What?" He finally seemed to notice me, making me cringe back against the wall. "Oh my god. You have got to be fucking kidding me." He started ruffling through the mound of papers on the coffee table, before apparently giving up. "I'm guessing you're Aubrey?" I gave a short nod, hoping his eyes would drift away from me. They were too annoyed, directing all that unexplained anger straight at me. "Ok look, we honestly don't have any spare beds in the girls' cabins, so do you mind?"

"Sir I swear that's against the rules-" Tried to interject Dean. The man sitting in front of us shut him up with a glare.

"Shut it Dean. Answer the question Aubrey." His gaze was too intense. Today in general had been too intense. I just wanted to curl up in my bed and cry. I didn't even care by this point what bed it was. The atmosphere was still thick with his anger, I felt like I was choking on it. I couldn't deal with confrontation, especially on a day as bad as today.

"I don't mind." The words came out dismayed. My voice sounded unsure, but it was enough for him, as he quickly kicked us out of their cabin. Once outside, we heard him asking the other woman in the cabin for a smoke. I took a breath of fresh air, it tasted like heaven.

"Do you really not mind?"

"I don't." I assured him, not wanting him to storm back in there and get into another staring match with Hugh. I'd had enough excitement for one day. He looked like he didn't believe me, but didn't say anything, simply guiding the way to cabin 7A. It was getting darker, and I was prepared to skip dinner. I was prepared to skip anything, if it meant a few minutes of peace.

This thought materialised, settling heavy in my chest. It left me feeling like I could breathe for the first time today. I'd get to hide out in the cabin now, without having to talk to anyone. So when we got to the room, I didn't bother checking whose bed was whose, simply throwing my stuff on one of the unoccupied ones, burying my head in a pillow.

When they called us to dinner, I pretended to be asleep. When Dean and Josh talked a bit before going to bed, I pretend I couldn't hear a thing. When the whole world finally quietened down to a hush, I let out a breath of relief.

I wished I could pretend for the rest of forever.

 **Hi :)**

 **Wow guys this story has gotten so many reviews already! Thank you sooooo much, you're really the best, especially considering there's only been chapters introducing characters so far. I hope you like Dean though :)**

 **Not much to say today really haha, so I'll just leave it at this. Oh! And updates will be about a week apart, sorry about them not being very fast just yet.**

 **Bye bye xx**


	4. Chapter 4

Dean POV:

"Aubrey, it's dinner time, you coming?" The only reply I got was deep breathing, so I decided to leave her be. She could have a big breakfast tomorrow to compensate. Remembering how skittish and scared she was of everything I wouldn't blame her for wanting an early night. She was probably nervous about camp, she'd get better in a few days. We all did. Although, then again, none of us had been as utterly mortified as her.

Truth be told, I wanted to crawl into my own bed and stay there for ever, but I signed up to this camp to stop myself from doing things like that, so I forced myself out the door and into the chilly air. Leaving the cabin quickly, I jogged up to the dining hall, 50 screaming children being my reception. They were all queueing up, shoving each other and stomping their feet. I scowled for a second, this was always the worst part of the day, but then strained the corners of my lips to tug up into an easy smile. Jumping up onto a table, I clapped five times, making a rhythm. When I'd been assigned this duty in my second year, it had been so much fun to watch them all clapping in unison in response, yet now it had lost its buzz, and I had to remind myself to keep going and not just scamper off to the bathrooms for some time alone.

The kids copied it almost immediately, staring at me with wide eyes. I made another beat, which they copied too. I went to jump, to make a rhythm with my feet, but was stopped by Grace, who glared me down. I gulped hard, thinking she was mad at me, but then I saw the smirk on her face and calmed down. I was constantly worried about her being pissed off at me, due to her having a personality that tended towards being a bit aggressive, so I had to control the urge to say sorry at least 20 times a day.

"Dean I swear to god if you jump on the table I'll hit you." Sighing, I stopped my movements, going back to what I'd previously wanted to do.

"Alright campers, I'm going to need you to form an orderly line so that we can serve you your food." As they all scrambled, I started talking again. That way they didn't have the time, nor the energy, to cause any trouble. I was good with kids, that's why the psychologist had suggested coming to this camp again to see if I could relight my old fire. The problem was that everyone here expected me to be my bubbly self from last year, when I had a gaping hole in my chest. "Now, who can guess what we're having?" They all responded at once, so I didn't get a single thing they said. At least one must've been right though. "That's right! Spaghetti and meatballs! Now come, let's go get some food!" I jumped off the table, opening the door to the cantine. Despite my efforts, they all ran in like a stampede, leaving the cook dumbfounded. Like every year. I sighed.

"Don't worry Dean, one year you'll manage to get them all to calm down." I looked at her in surprise, I couldn't believe she was actually being nice. I only saw Grace during the summer holidays, but I understood her personality well – she was rude until suddenly she wasn't. But the rudeness always came first. I needed someone like her near me though, to keep me rooted to the floor. If I had to hang out with people that constantly spared my feelings and tip-toed around me, I'd be constantly second-guessing their feelings towards me and whether they actually cared. Then again, I kept doubting Grace's feelings towards me too, so maybe that was just me trying to look at it with a positive outlook. "This year's just not it. Nor the next. Nor the next…" Ah, there was the Grace I knew and loved. I swatted at her, causing her to giggle as we watched the pandemonium in front of us. "So. This is what hell feels like."

"Oh come on, don't be so negative. The kids are great." I couldn't deny that it was something akin to hell, but it meant I got away from my house and my school and everything for a month, so I'd take it. It was better than what I'd do if I were at home, which would just be locking myself up in my room for the whole duration of the summer. The psychologist had said it would help me get better, and I _needed_ to get better.

"Oh yeah, I forgot, you do this for _fun_." She was forced into this every year by her parents, in hopes it'd get her to 'bond with nature' or some other crap like that. She never let me live it down that I liked working in this camp. I guess the idea was just inconceivable to her. If she knew all the feelings I was running away from she wouldn't find it so hard to believe that I enjoyed wasting my summers here. "You know who this really _must_ be hell for?"

"Who?"

"That new girl. She was practically quaking in her shoes." Thinking back to our conversation earlier, I couldn't help but agree. It was what had made me talk to her in the first place, I always felt sympathetic for people who looked scared and were unsure as to what to do. Although Aubrey was a new level of terrified. She reminded me of myself.

"Yeah. She was pretty though." I wasn't one to really hold back when I was talking to Grace, so she wasn't even surprised at my confession. She really was pretty, with her heart shaped face, and big brown eyes that seemed the colour of a sunset.

"Aw, you have a crush. Cute." She smirked at me, making me growl in response. I didn't really have a crush on her, Grace knew that, I knew that. We took jokes as far as they would go though, which included each other's interests, unfortunately. At least, we used to. I didn't know if this year I'd be able to make very many jokes. I'd gotten good at small talk whilst pretending to be happy, but being joyful enough to make jokes was way out of my league. "But I don't even know if she'd be good to date. She looks like blowing on her too hard might make her cry." I wondered if Aubrey looked like that, how I did. Did Grace think that I was fragile too? Or did how I used to behave in past years overshadow my image this year?

"I don't wanna date her."

"But you do want to be her friend."

"Well… yeah. She seems sweet."

"Which reminds me, where is she?" My stomach twisted uncomfortably as I pushed the spaghetti around my plate wistfully. I couldn't eat any more, despite only having eaten a few meatballs.

"She fell asleep. Must've been an exhausting day." Grace, just like me, didn't hold back on what she thought, so she immediately let a mask of disbelief cover her features.

"Yeah right, that bundle of nerves is _totally_ gonna be able to fall asleep with two guys in the same room." Her words left me discomfited, the idea that she'd want to skip dinner simply to get away from us settling badly in my stomach. She probably hated me and wanted to be left alone. I did intrude when she'd been alone earlier. Perhaps she didn't want friends, just like I didn't when… the accident happened. My heart constricted in my chest at the thought of what happened last October, and I pushed my plate away, losing my appetite completely. The hole inside me made a reappearance, seeming to take all the happiness with it.

"Does she not like us?"

"Nah, I think she probably just wants to get away from people in general. Seems like the type."

"The type?" This was how most of our conversations went. Starting with some joking, and ending with a profound bit of knowledge revealed from wise Grace.

"Yeah, you know, social anxiety, the works."

"Social anxiety? No way." But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense.

"Well maybe not like a proper disorder, but she seemed pretty uncomfortable. I dunno."

Even after we got our meal, and started talking about something else, Aubrey's face never left my mind, that scared expression permeating her features. I didn't understand how someone could be so afraid of socialising. It was practically second nature to me. Yet, at the same time, I knew all about disorders that wrecked your life.

"Hey, Dean, you alright?" My drooping eyelids made it hard to concentrate on keeping a smile on my face, so I shook my head lightly.

"I'm ok. Just tired." Maybe Aubrey didn't have to be the only who used sleep as an excuse to get away from the world.

 **Hi :)**

 **Dean's POV this chapter! Hope you all like him :) And who can guess what happened to him last October? I'll probably reveal it next chapter, cos I'm impatient haha**

 **Your reviews are amazing, oh my gosh, thank you so much :D Especially considering how long I'm taking to update this story :/ Sorry about that, it's just that I'm still figuring out where I want it to go, so I'm having trouble writing it up. But worry not, that'll hopefully be sorted out soon enough, and I'll get right into regular updates :)**

 **Bye bye xx**


	5. Chapter 5

Aubrey's POV:

"Wake up campers!" Groggily, I pushed myself up with my elbows. As I looked around, I found myself in the cabin of death, remembering everything that happened yesterday. With a grown, I pushed my face back in the pillow. Outside, a fog horn went off, making me grumble even more. At the prospect of today, a few tears slowly fell from my eyes, the pillow soaking them up before they could even make an appearance. Good. I had to get myself together.

"Come on Aubrey, rise and shine!" Glancing to my left, I saw Dean standing there, with a bright smile plastered on his face. How was he _already_ dressed? Sitting up quickly, I ran to the toilet in the cabin, not wanting to be the last one out.

"Can you guys wait for me?" I asked, barely above a whisper. Dean agreed straight away, and I got a disgruntled 'ok' from Josh too. Peeking through the gap in the door, I saw Josh was in the predicament I'd been in only seconds before, trying to sit up in bed whilst rubbing his eyes tiredly. At least I wasn't the only one having trouble. Although my trouble had more to do with anxiety than being tired, but that was a minor detail.

I started my morning routine by first scrubbing my face clean with the cheap soap they'd bought for us. It was scratchy, which I liked, as the pain forced away the thoughts of what awaited me outside. Then I quickly got dressed, this time in a tank top and shorts. My scars were out, the red lines rippling across my skin. Without thinking much about it, I grabbed the bracelets I'd bought exactly for situations like these, and put them all on, until not a single scar remained visible. Just like it should always be. Swallowing hard, I pushed the door open, seeing Josh and Dean in the exact position I left them. Dean gave me a warm smile, which I hesitantly returned.

"Josh you can use the bathroom next."

"Nah, I hate changing in there. You guys go ahead, I'll catch up with you in a bit." I checked his facial features, looking for any sign of annoyance. He was probably angry that he'd have to spend the whole of the summer waiting for me to leave to be able to change. Despite not finding any evidence of anger, I still felt my face becoming hot, as I followed Dean out the door.

"Are you guys ok with the arrangements?" I whispered to him, afraid to say it any louder. That way I could just deny any words came out of my mouth, if worse came to worse.

"Yeah, it's fine. I mean it's a little awkward at the moment what with the changing arrangements, but soon enough we'll all get settled in. This always happens, regardless of who you're rooming with." At his words a sigh of relief left my lips softly, a small spark of happiness lighting in my chest. It was quickly put out though, simply from the prospect of having to lead a group of kids today. I loved children, truly, I did, but it was the leaders I wouldn't be able to deal with. What if they thought I was too shy to lead? What if they thought I was irresponsible? What if I was shunned for my way of dealing with the kids? And personally my worst fear so far: what if some of the kids pulled on my bracelets, showing the scars? My throat felt too tight. "Hey, you alright?"

I nodded weakly, forcing a breath of air to enter through my clenched teeth.

"It's fine, I promise. Neither Josh nor I mind." I didn't have the heart to tell him that that wasn't what was bothering me anymore. I gave him a tight smile, continuing on our way to the lunch hall. He let it drop, luckily. Once we got there, a whole mass of screaming children met us. Without any hesitation, he jumped on a table, shocking me into silence. "Kiddos, listen up!"

"Dean are you sure-" I had to swallow my words of uncertainty, when I saw that all the kids were silent, staring at him with some sort of fascination. Then, the oddest thing happened, he started clapping, all the kids following along. I watched the situation with wide eyes, not really able to believe that a 16 year old boy was able to silence 50 kids by _clapping_. I was snapped out of my reverie by a hand on my shoulder.

"Impressive, isn't he?" Turning, I saw Grace there, allowing my tense shoulders to slump down.

"Yeah. How does he do that?"

"I don't know. Kids just really like him for some reason." And so, our conversation fell away, both of us staring in silence.

"Okie dokie. Now, who can guess what we're having for breakfast?" I heard a few answers being called out, oatmeal and cereal being amongst them. He didn't even seem to be listening. "That's right! We get scrambled eggs!" The kids didn't care that none of them had guessed right, simply barrelling for the doors as Dean laughed, telling them all to calm down. They practically parted for him like the Red Sea. After the doors were open, he strolled back to us, an easy smile on his features and a spark of humour dancing in his eyes. It had been a while since I'd found someone this attractive. Especially one who bothered talking to me.

"Now let's go eat, I'm ravenous." Moaned Grace, linking arms with Dean and me, dragging us off to the lunch hall. I felt a little bit of my panic slip away. Maybe if I stayed near these two they'd sort out all the problems, leaving me to a somewhat relaxing day. This was wishful thinking.

The first disaster came seconds after I thought that perhaps today would be ok. A snickering kid stuck his foot out, making me fall straight on the ground, scrambled eggs going everywhere. Immediately he put an innocent look on his face, so when I started blubbering about a kid who'd tripped me up, Dean told me I'd probably just been seeing things. After that came the horrifying moment when I was told to go off and shower. Which would mean I'd arrive later than everyone else.

I practically sprinted to the cabin, taking the fastest shower I possibly could. I didn't even consider cutting, which I almost always did. All that was running through my head was that if I didn't hurry, I'd get left behind. Or, worse, I'd have an awkward entrance where everyone stared at me. Finishing up, I put a plaster on my knee, in hopes it would stop bleeding, and ran back.

I got to the food hall before Grace and Dean even finished their scrambled eggs, making them stare at me oddly. I stood there, panting, trying to shrink into myself. This was embarrassing.

"Uh, sorry."

"For what?" He asked curiously, tilting his head to the side to give me a puppy dog look. I just shook my head, not completely sure why I apologised in the first place. Sitting down, I kept my eyes fixed on the table in front of me, not daring to turn my head, in case I saw both teenagers still staring at me.

"Nothing, never mind." Something in my head whispered that they wouldn't want to be my friends anymore, because people hated those who said sorry too much. I tried to block it out as much as possible, but my chest tightened all the same. I wished I could vanish. Or that today could've at least started a bit better – at this rate it was going to be just as bad as yesterday. I hid my hands under the table, to stop them from seeing how much they were shaking.

"Alright. Do you want to go get some scrambled eggs?" My insides felt like they'd been scrambled, I wanted to say. Instead I just shook my head, feigning disinterest.

"I'm not hungry." The proclamation sounded like a lie even to my own ears, Dean and Grace sending me sceptical looks. Luckily they didn't say anything, simply finishing up their own dishes quickly. I let a small smile of relief pull up my lips slightly – I'd made it, I hadn't been left behind.

Dean's POV:

Josh, Aubrey and I led 15 kids over to the swimming pool, each with wildly different expressions on our faces. I was smiling, much like always, Aubrey had a panicked glint in her eyes, and Josh was gazing at the swimming pool with a bored expression. He wouldn't be doing much, but I already knew that. His MO was pretty easy to get – he simply slunk into the background, refusing to do much of anything. I was pretty sure he spent most nights drunk too, although I'd been scared to confirm that, in case I somehow ended up telling one of the adults accidentally. And that would make him hate me, which would surely do wonders for my depression.

"Ok kiddoes, line up your towels here and then jump into the pool, we'll be starting our activities in just a bit!" I watched all the kids scrambling to drop their towels, a small laugh leaving my lips. They didn't even bother placing them nicely, simply chucking them at the hard cement and diving into the pool. I was quick to join them, cannon-balling in. I hid all my pain with big actions that made people forget about my facial features. That way, they just looked at my movements and assumed I could be nothing but happy.

I ran my hands through my hair to get the dripping water out of my face, flashing a grin in Aubrey's direction. Her responding gesture was more of a grimace than a smile, really. I didn't mind much, simply motioning that she should join me. Fiddling with the bracelets on her wrists, she gave a small nod, slowly climbing down the ladder into the pool. Her issues with being unhappy seemed recent, as she had yet to perfect the easy-going smile that provided protection from the world. I'd learnt the hard way how to use it.

"Let's start with a few laps." To make sure the kids would do it, I took the lead, swimming from one edge to the other. Most followed along, although one girl stayed close to the wall, a scared expression plastered on her face. I signalled Aubrey, pointing at the little girl. She gave me a thumbs up, albeit a bit hesitantly, then made her way over carefully. I stopped swimming to stare at the situation unfolding, leaving the kids to their own devices. It was hard to smile and play with the kids and watch Aubrey at the same time, so I dropped the one that would cause the least damage.

Aubrey sat on the edge of the pool, motioning for the girl to sit next to her. She clumsily did so, still practically shaking from fear. They made quite a good match, both with equal dread on their faces. Although Aubrey's was a panic that seemed more learnt, as if it had been there for a long time, allowing her to get used to it, comprehending its ins and outs. The girl's on the other hand was pure and unbridled, she was obviously not used to feeling it. It was a lot messier than Aubrey's, but definitely a lot less sad too.

Yet, suddenly, that all changed. At least on Aubrey's face. Her facial features relaxed, her eyes opening wide in an expression of understanding. She rubbed the girl's arm, a slight smile curving up her lips gently. It wasn't like all those smiles she'd given the rest of us before – this was a smile she actually meant. And it was beautiful. It could easily outshine the sun. Without even directing it at me, I could feel it vanishing all the shadows in my mind, if only for a second.

The little girl was quick to smile too, almost as if it was contagious. They both then jumped back into the pool, all the fear having vanished from her. They held hands as they slowly swam the length of the pool, coming to a stop near me.

"You doing ok Aubrey?" I felt the need to ask, even though she was obviously doing a lot more ok than when she was with us. Instantly she froze up, as if remembering where she was. Her lips pressed into a tight line, the light in her eyes fading as fast as it had come. My lips drooped too in response, despite the fact that normally I didn't let things show how down I truly was.

"Yup. Lisa here was just telling me about how she's afraid of water. Tell him what you know now though." She pushed Lisa forward, making her glance up at me. She was smaller than other kids her age, with big blue eyes swimming in fear. Yet the fear was now covered with some sort of determination that I could only imagine had come from Aubrey.

"That nothing can happen while you look after us." Lisa mumbled, staring down at the ripples she was making in the water. Aubrey kneeled down to her level, a breath-taking expression of happiness overtaking her features.

"That's right! Give me a highfive!" They both giggled as she followed the command, highfiving Aubrey. They then linked hands again, swimming another lap of the pool with the rest of the kids. Noticing I'd allowed the situation to completely derail me from the matter at hand, I jumped out of the pool, blowing the whistle. The kids had been swimming for well over 10 minutes now, much longer than I usually set for a boring activity such as that. Luckily none of them had realised, but it still left me feeling uneasy. Was seeing that expression on her face so important that it distracted me completely? Maybe the expression gave me hope that she was getting better from that all-encompassing fear – and maybe if she could, I could too.

"Now, who knows how to play Marco Polo?"

 **Hi :)**

 **Gosh, I don't know what to say here today haha. Sorry that not much happened this chapter, but I tend to start my stories off quite slow :/ We'll get onto the interesting stuff soon don't worry :D Also, to the guest worried about Grace, they're just friends, promise. I don't intend for her to be another Leah, and same goes for Josh**

 **Anywho, thank you guys lots and lots for being so lovely to me, the reviews I've been getting are just... wow. I still can't believe that you guys love it so much xD And also, now that I'm (almost) finished with Hearing Althea I'll be able to focus completely on this story, which means that the frequency of the updates will definitely go up from this slow-ass pace :D**

 **Bye bye xx**


	6. Chapter 6

Aubrey's POV:

The next few days after that were more or less easy sailing. My fingers still ached to grab a razor, and I was running out of creative ways to hide my scars, but all in all it was ok. My siblings seemed to be doing alright too, having plenty of fun with their own leaders. It was just a shame I hadn't gotten any of them in my group – that had been all the point of me coming along with them.

Although I supposed it didn't matter much, I wasn't suffering too badly. Just the normal amount of dull throbbing that made my arms itch. I had to admit that Dean and Grace had made it all a bit easier, by being my friends. Normally I not only had to suffer through my own worry, but also the predicament of people would think I was a loner. That fear had evaporated though, leaving me with a lighter heart. Not to say that I wasn't still anxious 24/7, but it was getting easier.

Tying my hair in two pigtails, I carefully combed through it, making my movements painfully slow. Last night I'd been doing the same thing when my sleeve had slipped, almost showing my roommates my darkest secret. Neither of them had been looking in my direction, thankfully, but I wasn't willing to take any chances.

"Dean?" I called, my voice quiet but sounding thunderous in the silence of our cabin. He didn't look like he minded, turning to me with an easy smile.

"Yeah?" Everything about him appeared so _easy_. His relaxed stance, his lazy smile, the way he moved like he didn't have a care in the world. I envied him, so badly, and at the same time I found myself irreparably attracted to him. Which was stupid, because confident, attractive guys like him went for people like Grace, who were able to hold a conversation without batting an eyelid. Not for nervous wrecks that hid in corners and had armfuls of scars showing how broken they were inside. Not for people who didn't have a right to be shattered, yet were anyway. "Aubrey?" Realising I had yet to speak, I shook my head at myself.

"Yes, uh, where's Josh? He left quite early yesterday too." I forced myself to continue with my earlier actions, combing through my hair with jerky movements. I kept my eyes on him though, watching out for any unexpected movements in case he startled me and made me reveal that I was too jumpy to be normal. This allowed me to see his eyes drifting, a worried frown marring his features.

"I'm not sure, truth be told. He disappears every night though, so you might as well get used to it." I narrowed my eyes at him, as his fear made the air around me steely. It was ironic, that that was my savant gift – detecting anxiousness and making it vanish. I needed to use my gift on myself more than anything, but, obviously that wasn't possible.

"That's odd." Tapping into the emotion as little as possible, in case he detected it somehow, I grazed it with my gift. I eased it up the most I could, then retreated immediately. His stress piled onto mine, that being an unfortunate side-effect of my gift. Whenever I dissolved someone else's worry, I felt a semblance of it myself. Maybe that was why I had anxiety. Or maybe I was just born to worry about the most minute of things. The latter was probably the most likely, considering I barely ever used my gifts unless I needed to. Luckily, it worked, his expression clearing as he continued to stretch lazily on the bed. I swallowed hard as a bit of his stomach was revealed when his shirt rode up, but had to force my eyes back up to his face.

"I think I know where he goes, but I don't want to find out, in case he gets in trouble." He whispered to me, eyebrows furrowing with an echo of the worry he'd felt before. I was tempted to remove it too, but then realised that would be perhaps a tad too obvious, and retreated back into my mind.

"Oh. You don't need to tell me then."

"He should be by the lake, hidden among the trees." After a second, he drove a hand through his hair, shaking his head at himself. "Fuck, why did I tell you that?" Feeling guilty – I knew he'd told me because of my gift – I shrugged, trying to downplay it.

"Don't worry, I wouldn't dare tell anyone." At my words he nodded, flashing that bright grin at me. I felt my heart stutter in my chest, but ignored it, knowing it was foolish to have a crush on him. This would never work out. With a mumbled excuse, I left the cabin, thinking of going to see my siblings. Before I could even walk two steps however, a hand on my shoulder stopped me. It was so unexpected that I jumped a foot in the air, flinching away from it hard. A glance back revealed it was just Dean though, so I tried to calm my breathing.

"Are you ok?" He asked, looking me up and down. I'd never felt so exposed – it was as if his eyes could see through the thin material of my sweater and through all the defensive barriers I'd placed. I could do nothing but nod, shakily. "I just wanted to tell you not to worry about Josh. But you look really shaken up. Are you sure you're ok?" Just like whenever someone insisted with a question, I felt the overwhelming desire to spill it all. But just as quickly as it had come, it went, my anxiety sweeping all thoughts neatly into a corner. Only fear remained.

"I- uh- I- fine. I'm fine." My stutter didn't help me any, and he was still pinning me down with his eyes, as I shrunk away from him. My fingers twitched, the urge to scratch my arms almost taking me over. With another nod, I sprinted away, all thoughts of going to see the kids forgotten. What I needed was a razor. Desperately.

However, I didn't get the chance to do this, not even to have some alone time. A shout from behind me rooted my feet to the floor, as I saw Josh quickly approaching me. He was coming from the trees which led to the lake, a slight sway in his walk – and I finally understood why Dean was so reluctant to tell me.

"Hey! Aubrey!" Shrinking back into myself, blood pounding in my ears, I gave a weak salute in response. Without me even noticing, my nails began forming patterns on my arms, digging harder and harder the closer he got. It was like I'd been pressing down all my fears and problems with summer camp, and Dean had sprung them all into the open, by startling me. I was struggling to breathe, but forced myself to take in large, gasping breaths so it at least looked like I was panting, not hyperventilating. Hopefully Josh would be too drunk to notice.

"Hi Josh."

"So, hey, I've been assigned to wash dishes tonight, but I'm preoccupied, if you get what I mean." I nodded numbly, already hating where this was going. He was going to use me. Of course he was.

"Yes?" My voice sounded shaky and fragile and awful, but Josh simply smiled, rubbing the back of his neck. His eyes were blown wide, and his face was blotchy red. It didn't look like a blush from embarrassment though, instead just his body getting heated thanks to the alcohol in his system. Behind him, I saw he was hiding a glass bottle.

"I was wondering if you could fill in for me." My hands started shaking, out in the open, for all to see. With a miniscule whimper, I hid them behind my back. Him hiding his shame behind his, me hiding my own behind mine.

"I don't know J-"

"Please Aubrey? I'm kind of drunk right now and if I go in there I'm going to get thrown out- and then my dad will _kill_ me, so just-"

"Ok. I'll do it." I was cold all over, my hands still shaking behind my back. My breath was coming in quiet gasps again, making me want to run. Maybe the soothing motion of washing dishes alone would help me. Yeah. It would. I just needed to get away from him and do this everything would be fine. Absolutely fine.

"Really? Thank you so much, you're the best."

"No problem." With an uncertain nod, I walked away, as fast as I could without seeming weird. Yet the universe was against me today, meaning that the minute I walked in the kitchen, I found it was very much not empty. Teens and little kids buzzed around, some of them putting plates back, others flinging soap suds at each other. It was mayhem, anarchy overtaking them now that there weren't any adults around. I thought I saw one of the leaders fighting another with brooms, but I didn't stay long enough to know for sure.

Turning on my heel, I ran out, finding myself panting in the deserted corner of the building. There were screams in my head, which I wished to echo with my voice but knew I couldn't. Looking down, I saw blood covering my arms, but I didn't know when I'd scratched hard enough to break skin. Everything was breaking.

 **Hi :)**

 **Bit of a depressing chapter, sorry bout that. I mean it's a bit of a common theme in this story haha. But don't worry, soon her and Dean are gonna start noticing each other more and how broken they are, and that'll surely solve some problems (or perhaps create more? Muahahaha).**

 **Your reviews last chapter were, as always, the absolute bestest, I love you guys so much.I don't think I've ever had a story be so liked in only the beginning stages, so I'm floating on cloud nine a bit haha.**

 **Also, to those of you who reviewed on Hearing Althea with your super long comments, thank you sooooo much! I can't say thanks properly cos obviously no chapter left, so I thought I'd say it here :)**

 **Bye bye xx**


	7. Chapter 7

Dean's POV:

I stared at Aubrey's retreating form, remembering that expression on her features which had been equal parts endearing and terrifying. Her eyes had been blown wide open, her mouth slightly ajar, and a strange glint in her eyes. Had she not looked so startled, and scared of me, she would've been beautiful. She was.

The worst part was that I recognised that expression, I'd seen it countless times on myself when I gazed at the mirror. The fear of the world, for no particular reason. Because why does one need a reason to be scared? Especially when your mind is convoluted, and it can uproot any motive to want to disappear.

Even though it had been a few months since I'd last hurt myself, I still felt my fingers twitch in ache for a razor, and the cuts on my thighs throbbed lightly. This was bad. I needed to find someone, so they'd distract me from the feelings of wanting to self-destruct. That had been the whole point of going to this camp, so I could distance myself from all those horrid emotions that drove my mind in circles. Behind my eyelids, every time I blinked, I saw blood blood blood. But not mine, no, my mum's.

If I let it win this one and cut, then the next thing I knew I'd be unable to get out of bed, or escape the depression. I was getting better. I _was_. I had to be. Seeing Josh walking around aimlessly, I ran up to him, trying to force my grimace into a smile, and all my thoughts away. Blood swirling on the ground, forming gruesome shapes, haunted me. I felt sick.

"Oi, Josh!" I had to force myself to stay rooted to the ground and not run off. My thoughts slowly spiralled until they came to the topic I'd been avoiding since I got here. Her, bleeding, on the cold hard cement. The life slowly leaving her eyes whilst I watched on, trapped by the rubble. A silent scream had left my parted lips, pain being all I knew.

"Hey. What're you doing up and about?" It was close to light's out, but we both knew that curfew was bullshit, especially for Josh, who ignored it as he pleased. I quirked up my lips, quite forcibly, trying to ignore the images flashing in my head. Any other day I would've been amused by his words, but today I found that all that was left was a bitter taste in my mouth and a hole in my chest. I needed to make this distraction a stronger one.

"Could ask the same of you." He laughed a little too loudly at my words, queueing me in on his drunken state. His cheeks were flushed crimson, and his smile was lopsided and lazy. I wished I too could burry all my pain with alcohol like he did.

"I have an excuse, I'm on washing up duty tonight." Glancing around comically, I chuckled, although it sounded strained and wrong to my own ears. Gritting my teeth, I ignored it. I wanted to bite my lip hard enough to bring pain and blood, to make the thoughts go away, but knew I couldn't. My fists clenched.

"Oh, I didn't realise we were in the kitchen." Again that too-loud laugh was given to me in response, and I hoped that he was perhaps too drunk to notice my own state.

"Don't get me wrong, I'm not going. But the excuse is there." I wished I could run to my bedroom to cry. But I wouldn't be able to cry, the tears inside me had dried up long ago, and my pain too deep-rooted. All I felt these days was the hole in my heart and numbness everywhere, along with a dull-throbbing in unknown parts of my head. Except when I was truly, properly bad, like I was right now, and couldn't get away from the explosion of hurt everywhere.

"How the hell did you get out of it without Hugh busting his nut?"

"I got Aubrey to cover for me. She's pretty chill." I'd use any word to describe Aubrey, but _chill_ wasn't it. I narrowed my eyes at him, noticing he was still looking like he wasn't here with me. I continued repressing memories, as a ghost pain weaved itself across my leg. I needed to focus on the problem at hand – Aubrey – not this bullshit that had been brought forward uncalled.

"Dude that's a bit unfair. You better cover for her when she has to do dishes." He nodded, waving me off.

"Yeah yeah, whatever. Anyway man, I'm gonna go hide this one out, I don't want anyone finding out." I watched him leave, wave after wave of sadness rolling through me like the tide. Yet now there was an added worry, one for the fragile girl that was Aubrey. If she was paralysed from fear when we spoke, I couldn't imagine how she was feeling now. I, myself, could probably guess the pain she was in, considering I felt it throughout my entire being. With a glower in Josh's direction, I sprinted in the direction of the kitchen. All I wanted was to curl into bed and never emerge, but this would work too.

It didn't take too long to find Aubrey, and by the time I had the images of anguish were retreating. However, the minute I saw her with blood on her arms they all came back. Black crowded my vision but I pushed it all back to continue running towards her.

"Aubrey! Are you ok?" Obviously she wasn't, but I couldn't help myself. Her gaze rose from where it had been pinned on her bloody arms, and when she looked at me the question seemed even more stupid. In that second, she looked so utterly sad, so scared, that I couldn't help but feel like she'd never felt ok. And possibly never would. I knew the feeling myself. So without waiting for her reply, I knelt in front of her, purposefully looking away from the blood. I needed to focus, not fall back onto old memories. "We need to get you cleaned up, alright?"

I expected a numb nod, little else, but instead got the opposite, as she vehemently shook her head, pulling away from me. I wanted to use my savant gift and take away then pain from her expression, but knew that would cause me to fall off the deep end, and I was already too low to do that. Instead I settled for asking what a sensible person would, were they in this situation. Had I not understood the hurt that made the brown in her eyes murky, had I not felt it myself countless times.

"What's wrong?"

"Please no doctors. Please, no." Then, pulling away from me entirely, she got up. She swayed momentarily, as I watched solemnly, and regained her composure. The reassuring smile she sent me was anything but. "I'll sort this out. Just- just leave. Please." Taking her own words to heart, she turned on her heel and ran, leaving me dumbfounded in her wake. Why was she so opposed to getting someone to clean the blood off?

The next day when we went swimming, her expression had been smoothened into the controlled panic it had known before. Anything that might be on her wrists was safely hidden under countless bracelets, shielding her from the world. When I saw her, and her smile that didn't know how to be happy, and her hands clenched painfully tight on her arms, a part of me understood. I wished I hadn't.

 **Hi :)**

 **So, Dean finally realises that something's fishy with Aubrey, although it won't exactly be easy sailing from here, I'm afraid. But I mean at least some progress is being made, right? (please don't hit me xD ).**

 **Thanks lots and lots for your reviews :) Tbh I'm running out of ways to say how much I absolutely love them, so, like, treat yourself to a cookie and pretend it's from me ;) Also, to the guests saying they relate to what Aubrey's feeling, please please** ** _please_** **don't think you're alone. Aubrey's in a really toxic mindset atm, but there are people out there for her and she wouldn't be selfish for asking for help. And if yo ever need someone to talk with, my PM box is always open :)**

 **Bye bye xx**


	8. Chapter 8

Dean's POV:

From that point onwards, I was painfully aware of the fabric that constantly covered Aubrey's arms. I was still in a constant battle against my depression, images of my mum appearing and appearing no matter how hard I fought against them, but now I had something to occupy my thoughts. And occupy them she did.

Whenever I was around a body of water, her covered arms came to mind. Whenever I saw one of the kids with a bandaid I recalled the plaster that had been placed on her knee. I knew I was latching on to her as a coping mechanism, but just as long as she didn't know it didn't matter. Whenever I saw chocolate or dirt or tree bark I couldn't help but think it was the wrong shade, her eyes full of sadness being the only thing that seemed right.

The morning started lazily, although Aubrey seemed to be having a bad day, tripping over things constantly. Slowly more and more plasters covered her skin, some on her scathed knees, others on slender fingers. By this point she was such a disaster that I wasn't the only one to notice, a few of the kids we were in charge of taking care of bringing her a macaroni necklace to make her feel better during arts and crafts.

It was altogether a nice feeling, like all her problems were superficial and could be fixed by some hastily placed bandages. I continued to be transfixed by the idea of her, holding onto it with all my might in fear that if I let there be a single gap she didn't occupy, it would be filled with my mum instead. The closer we got to the anniversary of her death the worse it became.

"Dean, you alright?" Asked Grace as she finished colouring the letter B of her birthday card. To whom it was, I had no idea. She'd probably told me, but these days my brain was too filled with messiness to properly recall things. Everything was either to do with the accident or with attempts to forget the accident. There was nothing else. No room for anything else.

"Yeah, just a bit miffed that my drawing is coming out so ugly." I showed both her and Aubrey my attempts at a horse, and I didn't miss the laugh that left Grace's lips, nor the grimace that Aubrey gave me.

"No, no, it's a beautiful, um… dog?" Grace began, bursting into giggles at my pissed expression.

"It's a _horse_!" Even I was chuckling by this point though – albeit a bit forcefully – although it all paid off when I saw amusement flash through Aubrey's eyes.

It was cut short when another kid came up to the table with a gift. They seemed as entranced with Aubrey's predicament as I was, which was probably unhealthy considering mine was caused by a depression.

"Aubrey?" This meeting was different, with less awkward shuffling. The recognition in Aubrey's eyes was also a lot different to all the other times, even some happiness tinting into it.

"Benny, how you doing?" She ruffled his hair, patting the seat next to her with a carefully designed smile. The little boy was oblivious, pulling up a drawing as the rest of the table flooded with little kids. I felt a little choked by her fanclub, and was about to suggest we leave, when a word caught my attention.

"Sis, look what I made you!" I was so stupid, it wasn't her admirers, it was her siblings. Damn. Well, there went my opportunity to escape and burry my feelings under a duvet and a tub of ice cream.

The rest of the evening passed fairly quickly, Aubrey getting handed 3 drawings and 2 macaroni necklaces. By the time we left, her small grin felt genuine. There was a glint in her eyes that made her look happier than I'd ever seen her. I was glad I hadn't abandoned play-time with the kids. I wouldn't have wanted to miss that for the world

By the time we left the hall with orders to get ready for dinner, we were all exhausted from playing along with the kids. Aubrey especially looked knackered, although she had a right to be considering she'd been talking to kids – her siblings and her fanclub alike – all evening. Her hair was messy, her eyes drooping, and at least 5 plasters had been added to her collection. Amongst the newest ones were a Cars one, one with Ariel and lots of fish on it, and another that said 'you're a rockstar!'. It was obvious the adults didn't expect to have to give plasters to anyone else other than the 7 year olds.

"I've got normal plasters back at the cabin if you want." I told her, motioning the way we were walking. Josh stood off a bit to the side of us, moaning about our presence attracting the 'little monsters'. It felt _right_ , like we were born to be in this exact moment, each playing out our respective roles without a care in the world. The thought of having to go back to the lunch hall made my stomach drop painfully. Swallowing hard, I tried to regain the feeling of rightness, but it was all lost in the thought of having to leave this moment.

"Nah it's ok." Aubrey was the one to snap me out of it, as she carefully traced one of the band aids with cute drawings – this one had bees. "I quite like them." At that, I laughed, without meaning to. That was a first.

"They're kind of childish." Shouted Josh from somewhere off to our right. Unperturbed, she kept tracing its design with her fingertips. The action was soothing to watch. It wasn't every day you saw someone so absolutely entranced by a simple movement. I felt myself get caught up in the relaxing nature of it. Using the idea of her, once again, to wheedle out all the bad feelings from my mind. I'd never met anyone so effective at taking up all my thoughts, so I was going to hold onto this as long as it lasted.

"I don't care." At our curious glances, she prepared to keep explaining. All the while, her gaze remained pivoted downward. "I don't need half of them. They're gifts from the kids, with the things they're interested in. I dunno, I think it's sweet." It was no wonder the kids had fallen head over heels for her, she was full of jagged edges inside but her smile in that second could've melted the ever-present ice in my heart. Unfortunately, it didn't last nearly enough to do that.

"God, that's sickening." Josh, of course, had to ruin the moment, so I ignored him. Surreptitiously, I shot him the finger.

"That's actually really nice of them. Do you remember who gave you each one?" At my words, she finally looked up, meeting my eyes with enthusiasm. Momentarily, all the fear that resided on her features blew away. The creases and pain disappeared, and I could've sworn that eyes so lovely could never hold any hurt inside of them.

"Oh yeah. I was worried they'd come back and ask me, so I made sure to remember. This one was my brother's, this one Maxy's, this one Lisa's…" And so it went, until she'd gotten through practically every kid. This whole giving her plasters thing had apparently been a sensation across the camp. I couldn't help but think that maybe the kids had noticed that Aubrey was broken in more ways than one. Maybe they were trying to help her the only way they knew how, with 'you're a rockstar!' plasters and kisses to make it better.

When we arrived back at the cabin, I had a crazy idea rolling through my mind. It was insane, utterly insane, but I'd spent two days obsessing over her mental health, and I wanted to show her somehow. Even through all the hurt that was permanent in my chest, I still had the urge to tell her that I cared. That I knew the sorrow she was going through – had felt it myself – and wanted to do anything to help her.

"Aubrey, here, this is for you." For the first time in a long time, I let my confident façade drop, shyly looking off to the side. I'd made sure that Josh was already on his nightly booze run, not needing his teasing in the background to aid my possible demise. In my hand, I held out a plaster with suns on it, all smiling brightly. They'd been given to me as a joke by my dad once upon a time, and after my mum's death they'd become ironic more than anything.

"Oh, wow, thank you."

Before going into the bathroom, she removed all the gifts the kids had given her, carefully making sure they didn't rip. And when she stretched to turn the lights off, her long sleeve fell a fraction, a sun peeking out at me from the place where she'd hurt herself so much. That night I fell asleep with a smile on my face, for the first time in a very long while.

 **Hi :)**

 **I'm really sorry that chapters haven't started to be updated faster, but I forgot what it's like to be back at school, so I'm mostly just focusing on catching up at the moment haha. But thanks so much for all of your support, it means so much to me, honestly. Once I get properly settled in college I promise updates will start coming faster :D I think you guys deserve it after all your lovely reviews ;) Also, I know I don't tend to talk to specific people through here, but thank you so much Centa, that's like the sweetest thing ever ^.^**

 **Anyhow, this chapter was just a bit of cute fluff, which I hope you guys enjoyed :) Next chapter slightly more plot-relevant stuff will happen, so I wanted to put in something a bit fluffier more than anything else haha. Tell me what you thought :)**

 **Bye bye xx**


	9. Chapter 9

Aubrey's POV:

It had been 3 days since Dean had found me crying and bleeding on the side of a building, and, so far, he hadn't mentioned it once. It was getting harder by the day, to wait and wait and wait, anxiously scrubbing at my arms in anticipation of what would come. He could use it to blackmail me, or tell everyone about it. The scariest possibilities were the ones I hadn't even thought up yet.

"Alright, so, mountaineering today. Just try not to kill anyone, ok?" Hugh stood in front of us, a clipboard in his hands, and a look like he was ready to go straight back to sleep. "It's a whole ton of paperwork and it's not that difficult. No accidents like last year." This time he gave Dean a pointed look, which I guessed meant there was a story in there somewhere. If I were braver I would've asked Dean about it, watched as he told the story with animated hands and bright eyes and cute dimples. Instead I quietened down my wishes, continuing to listen to Hugh. "Are we clear?"

"Yeah." Was chorused, until we were dismissed with a flick of his hand. I made my way over to our group of kids slowly, not wanting to be the first one there. That would mean being their main focus of attention, which Dean did a wonderful job of, but I couldn't do. Luckily, he did make it there first, already chatting animatedly with one girl about her toy dinosaur which would be joining us on the hike. Josh joined us not too much later, sinking into the background. Most of the kids didn't bother talking to him, too afraid he'd snap at them. I didn't even know how he was allowed around them.

"Now, who's ready to hike?" Shouted Dean. I took a step closer, intending to help him out, when his worry slammed into me like a truck. I took a faltering step back, panting for breath. I was drowning in his feelings, needing to pinch myself to snap out of them. I had to get my barriers higher. This wasn't a normal amount of apprehension, it felt like something that could rival my own feelings. It was different to what I suffered from though – my worry was like a freight train, smashing into me with all the force of a hurricane. Dean's on the other hand was like drowning in a sea, as if the anxiety wasn't the actual problem, but rather a side effect of a much larger issue.

"We are!" The kids replied, although it was faint to me. Everything felt murky, even Dean's worried glance in my direction not being enough to snap me out of it. After a while, I managed to put up enough water-tight locks around my head to get him out, gasping once I finally got a full breath into my lungs.

"Aubrey, what's wrong?" I'd even managed to attract Josh's attention, who watched me carefully from afar, like he was about to spring to my rescue. It was sweet, considering he was usually stoic or laughing at us. I noticed in my stupor I'd fallen to the floor, knees drawn tight to my chest protectively. Dean was crouched besides me, a hand stretched out hesitantly, like he was ready to steady me but didn't have the confidence to.

"I- I'm fine, I just-" I was still wheezing, swallowing as much air into my lungs as I could. "Dizzy spell." My words made both of them narrow their eyes at me, showing they didn't believe it one bit. The thing was, there was no way I could explain it to them, even if I decided to hide it as a panic attack, that would reveal my anxiety – something I was _not_ willing to do.

"Uh huh. Right, well maybe you should skip today out, I mean if you're not feeling well." Dean suggested, his eyes crinkling in worry. I could see his mind racing with possibilities, he was probably already linking this to the incident a few nights again. I shook my head rapidly, getting up as quick as my useless body would allow me to. I was quaking, my knees threatening to cave in, but I'd be damned before I made this a bigger deal than it was.

"No, it's fine. I'm great." There was still an undercurrent of anxiousness coming from Dean that wouldn't allow me to catch my breath, my chest constricting painfully. "Just peachy." Again all I got in response was squinting. With a sigh, I brushed my hands on my jeans, before turning to the kids with a wobbly smile. "Sorry about that kiddoes. Wanna get going?"

"Yeah!" None of the kids seemed overly concerned with my wellbeing, too engrossed with their toys. We'd allowed them each to bring their favourite one along, so the novelty of it was enough to keep them distracted. Luckily, Dean didn't mention it either for most of the walk, keeping the kids entertained instead.

"Who knows some party songs?" He asked almost half-way in, when the kid's feet had begun to drag. Even my legs were getting a bit tired, my mind exhausted and in need of a good rest. The problem was that even if I _did_ go back to the cabin I'd be getting little to no sleep. I hadn't gotten a full night's rest in a very long time.

"I know the wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round." Shouted some enthusiastic kid from the front, who was still going strong. It had become obvious by this point who had the most energy, those people going to the front of our little group whilst the rest of us lagged behind. To my surprise, Dean stayed with us, rather than pretending to have energy to spare like always.

The absence of his exuberant actions allowed me to study his features without context. Normally there was something he was doing which didn't allow me to question whether he actually felt happy enough to do that. Now, however, I could see the bags under his eyes, the way his smile twitched a bit every once in a while. Most of all, I saw how his eyes looked haunted, despite the permanent shine he'd placed in them. It was disconcerting, to see someone who I'd never doubted was perfectly happy look this down. I hoped it wasn't permanent, but a twisting in my gut told me otherwise.

"Are you sure you're ok?" He asked, whilst the kids continued to sing the same song again and again. After a while it had begun to grate on my already fraying nerves, but I tried not to let it show.

"I'm fine. Are… Are you?" The question obviously caught him off guard, as he stumbled back a step. Our face off only lasted a few seconds, until he made his smile brighter than the sun itself.

"I'm great." With that as his parting words, he ran a bit ahead, joining the children in their singing. I let my mouth twist into a pout, my displeasure at his obvious lie being well known. I wasn't in a position to complain though, considering. After a while, he looked back at me, craning his neck to give me a glance. And as our eyes met, I felt understanding swim between us, our pain being so similar that it was easy to recognise it in each other. It was awful, to think that he could read me as easily as an open book. With widening eyes and furrowed brows, I looked down, just as he spun to focus back on the kids.

To try to forget about the disconcerting feeling, I glanced down at my hands, which were too idle for their liking and so had started twisting and fiddling. In the corner of my eyes, I saw the band-aid Dean had given me last night, the suns on them grinning at me as if it'd all be ok. Glancing up once more, to see the back of Dean's blond head, with his ruffled hair and messy clothes, I thought that perhaps it could be. Perhaps this understanding could lead to something good, something better.

But then I came to my senses, pulling my sleeve down harshly so as to not have to see the stupid sun with its stupid promises and its stupid ideas that it could all be ok somehow. I'd been doing this for long enough to know that such a possibility didn't exist.

 **Hi :)**

 **More understanding! Also, I showed a bit more of how Aubrey's git works. She sometimes gets overwhelmed if she's next to very anxious people, but dw that'll be explained in more depth in future chapters :)**

 **Thanks so much! I've decided I'm going to start thanking guests here so that I can properly say thanks even if you don't have an account :)**

 **\+ Ok, so, Mystery thanks for your continued support! It's really appreciated :D**

 **\+ To Centa, oh my gosh, you're seriously too nice haha, and I'm glad you like how I've made them try to help each other (my fingers keep itching to just make them get together haha).**

 **\+ And to the two nameless guests, thanks so much for your lovely reviews :) And I wouldn't say that he's happy she cuts, but rather that he's happy she let him help her.**

 **Anyhows, that's all for today, bye bye xx**


	10. Chapter 10

Dean's POV:

The sun filtering through the window indicated that it was time to get up. Waking up… It was difficult. Incredibly difficult. Whenever I thought of getting out of bed, all that bombarded my mind were thoughts about how peaceful everything was from here, how I didn't have to pretend from my warm spot in the bed. And it got harder each day, my limbs weighed down with led and my heart shattering in my chest.

Sometimes I stared up at the ceiling for seconds and minutes and hours, wondering whether it was really worth it. To keep this stupid façade up so that no one would worry about me, to keep smiling when all I wanted to do was cry. It didn't seem worth it from here, in this bedroom where the world looked unreal. But then I got a look at Josh and Aubrey, and I realised I wasn't the only fuck up in this place. As such, I had a duty to hold it together – I couldn't burden them with my problems too.

I wasn't sure what was wrong with Josh, but whatever it was must be bad. He drunk his problems away, each and every night. Yet even when he was completely out of it, with blank eyes and a drooping smile, you could see all the hurt he held inside of him. Not to mention I could feel it within me, his sadness reverberating through his very being. It was the worst part of my gift, feeling people's sadness so painfully that it could be my own without ever being able to do anything about it. I used to always take people's melancholy away, but since the accident my own pain was so deep-rooted that I knew if I tried to add someone else's too it I simply wouldn't be able to take it.

Aubrey wasn't as hard to be around. Whatever was happening to her didn't catch on my radar as much, given that my gift only found sadness and no other emotion. It was odd though, being around someone who looked as broken as her whilst not being able to feel it myself.

The sound of rain against a window broke me out of my stupor, the pitter-patter against the glass bringing a surge of happiness through me. From past years, I knew what that meant. No kids. With a grin that felt strong enough to split my cheeks, I went over to shake Aubrey awake, not entirely sure why she was the first person I wanted to share this news with. Truth be told, I'd latched onto her since the day I first noticed that her pain was deeper than most, as she provided the perfect cover from my own hurt. I knew it was unfair to use her in that way, but the angst in my chest oftentimes got so bad that it was all I could do to not break apart at the seams.

"Aubrey, psst."

"Huh?" At my words, she stirred, scrunching her face up. It was adorable, like watching a kitten try to sneeze. Rainy days were decreed free days, so they provided an opportunity for everyone to take a break from the little monsters, while they splashed around in puddles. Josh called them hangover days, which is precisely what they were for him. "Dean?"

"Yup, time to get up."

"I don't wanna."

"Tough. Come on." She just scrunched her nose at me again, so I flicked it, letting out a peal of laughter when she shrieked and buried her head under the duvet.

"Don't do that!"

"I'll do it again if you don't get up soon." All I got in response was grumbling, as she formed a dome with her head underneath the covers. An involuntary smile tugged up the corners of my lips – she really was too cute.

~Later~

"I don't understand though, it's just drizzling." Spoke up Aubrey, from her spot curled up in bed. None of us had bothered getting up, and Josh was still snoring in the corner. All he'd done that day was blearily open his eyes, take a look at the window, shout in elation, and go straight back to sleep. I didn't blame him, I would've done the same thing, had Aubrey not been in the same room.

The problem was, she expected me to be up and around with energy to spare, when all I wanted to do was close my eyes and keep them that way forever, waiting for the world to pass me by. But that wasn't who she thought I was and it wasn't who I wanted to be, so I continued to sit up in bed, fiddling with the bed sheets as though I wasn't contemplating hiding underneath them.

"Like seriously, we could probably do some arts and crafts with the kids, instead of stay in our cabins all day." She started talking again, obviously miffed that we had to stay cooped up. It was odd, considering most days she looked like she was half a nervous break-down away from sprinting to the cabin. Perhaps she needed to do things to distract herself from her mind. I did that sometimes. It had been the main reason I'd come to this stupid camp in the first place.

"It isn't about the rain though. It's just an excuse for everyone to take a day off. The kids get to run around without instructions for a while, the adults kick back and chill, and we have some 'bonding' time." I used quotes around bonding, even though there was nothing I'd love to do more than get to know her. The girl with the panicked eyes and intricate mind that I was still unable to untangle.

"How do they expect us to bond? We're not kids anymore, it isn't as easy as asking if you wanna play with us and sharing toys."

"Yeah, I don't even have any more toys." From her spot on the bed Aubrey gasped at me, her eyes filling with laughter.

"You don't have any toys?"

"We're 16 Aubrey."

"So?" Apparently this was reason enough to get up, as she made her way around the room, coming to a stop in front of her half-closed suitcase. The top she wore was baggy around her frame, and I took a moment to let my eyes dance across her, taking in how beautiful she really was. She'd captivated me from day one, with her quiet voice and enthralling mind, but now that I realised how nice it was to be close to her, I noticed how attached I'd become to her. Maybe it was because she occupied my thoughts and distracted me from my depression. Maybe it was because she slunk in perfectly in Grace's and my little group.

"So you're telling me you keep a teddy bear in there?" I asked her, trying to snap myself out of my stupid thoughts. It didn't matter why I enjoyed her company, the fact remained that we could never be true friends, because I couldn't let people in.

"Well not an actual toy, but a year ago for my birthday I got given these really cute- Aha! Here they are!" She ran back to me with the most excited look I'd ever seen on her face, holding up 3 bookmarks. Each had a teddy bear attached to the top, positioned so it'd look like it was holding onto the book. "See? They're cute, what more could you want?"

"I dunno, I just fold in a corner." This sentence did it for her, as she gaped at me. I had to chuckle at her expression, liking this conversation a lot more than I had a right to. We were just discussing bookmarks, it wasn't anything impressive, at least compared to how much I talked to other people like Grace. But it was just the fact that I felt like I was facing the real Aubrey, once you brushed away all her panic and fear. She must be having a good day, which immediately brightened up my dark world slightly. I hadn't had a good day for weeks now.

"You… Dean, no!"

"What?" She was kneeling on the bed now, a small smile on her face as she laughed at me. I'd never seen anyone look more beautiful.

"I'm going to give you one of these, so you can stop doing this great disservice towards books." Without giving me a second to process her words, she shoved a bookmark in my hands. She was right, it was really cute, and it reminded me of her. This was ridiculous, I should forget all about her and the effect she had on my heart, and how much I wanted to fix the brokenness in her eyes. But as she went to step back to her bed, I stopped her, motioning she should sit beside me. I hadn't had a source of happiness in a very long time, and all I wanted was to see her eyes light up with laughter again.

"I guess we really did bond by sharing toys, hm?" Aubrey started giggling as she settled to my right, the sound of Josh in the background telling us to shut the fuck up. Soon, I found myself smiling too. This felt right. The day stretched ahead of us, with nothing either of us had to do apart from sit back and enjoy our little place in the world.

I wanted to stay here forever.

 **Hi :)**

 **I'm really sorry it takes me so long to post these. I know with my other stories it got to a point where my updates started picking up in pace, but I'm planning this story out a lot more carefully so it's hard for me to write them as quickly as before. I hope you guys can forgive me for that haha.**

 **Anyhowsies, about the chapter, more cute fluffiness! I've been really in the mood for all of this lately so don't mind me xD Tell me what you thought :D**

 **Guest review thank you time!**

 **To the two anonymous guests - Thanks so much! I'm really glad you're enjoying the story :D**

 **To Mystery - I should be saying thanks to you, you guys in this fandom are seriously too nice (not that I'm complaining, the supernatural fandom should learn from you xD )**

 **Aaaand to Centa - Wow, prize to the longest review goes to you ;) Thank you so much! I'm soooo happy you like my writing speed, cos it's always a really finicky balance and I'm constantly afraid that I'm going too slow or too fast haha.**

 **So that's all for today, bye bye xx**


	11. Chapter 11

Aubrey's POV:

Today was a good day. Not just because Dean was next to me, but because he had a smile on his face, and one that seemed genuine. Of course, with him, there was never a sure-fire way of knowing, but I prided myself in being able to make accurate guesses at least 90% of the time. It was sad though, that he could be smiling at me with his eyes lit up like this, and he could be hiding so much sadness inside him at the same time. It wasn't fair for some people to be such good liars – not fair on him, nor the rest of the world, who continued to pass him by believing his stupid, stupid façade.

We'd finished a long day playing multiple games with the kids, mainly water sports, and we were both exhausted, laying back in our beds. The world could disappear in that moment and neither of us would care. Josh had left a good half hour ago, and I'd only noticed when I'd groggily asked Dean where Josh was and he'd replied with a laugh that I'd even said goodbye to him. Needless to say, I was very out of it.

"Hey, Aubrey, guess what?" He began, sitting up on his bed to stare at me with eyes full of excitement. I couldn't even find it in me to lift my head, simply groaning out a 'what' before sprawling on the bed. "Tomorrow we get to, possibly, have another off day."

"What, how come?" This was enough to make me incorporate myself a little more, lifting up to look at his shining blue eyes. Today must've been a good day for Dean too, I thought, although that could just be him dazzling me with his perfection again. In that moment, I didn't care.

"'Cause I'm amazing." He said, a teasing lilt to his voice.

"Yeah, whatever floats your boat."

"Don't deny it, you were basically begging me for a break tomorrow and here I am, offering you one."

"I do not think you're amazing, despite all that." I did think he was amazing. He definitely saw the truth in my eyes, because his smile just grew larger.

"You hurt me, Aubrey, you really do." He dramatically clutched his chest, coercing a giggle out of me. Not wanting him to see my burning cheeks at our interaction, I buried my head in my pillow, my next words being muffed by it.

"You love me really."

"Aha, right." Even though there was sarcasm heavily laced in his words, my blush raged strong, so I changed the conversation as quickly as I physically could. It was most likely very obvious, but I didn't know how to deal with cute guys teasing me and all I could do was rely on the default topics of conversation I'd been practicing for the past few years.

"I'm so tired." Luckily, Dean took the change in his stride, almost as if he'd been anticipating that, at least, I was thankful.

"I noticed. We didn't even do that much."

"Yeah but, like, I'm not used to sports." At this, he let out a loud guffaw of laughter, making me smile automatically. He had such a lovely laugh. Maybe that was how he kept his sadness away from the world's prying eyes – hiding behind a lovely smile and pretty eyes and cute dimples. Lovely things can't be sad.

"You're such a wuss."

"Says the person who's also dying on his bed."

"Oh shut up." He said, his joking tone warming me from the inside out. He made me feel like I was floating, even when we were just talking about nonconsequential things such as this. I grinned stupidly at the ceiling, hoping he wouldn't notice my goofy expression from the other side of the room.

"I'm actually having a lot of fun at camp, despite how tiring it is." I sprang out of nowhere, not entirely knowing why or how it came out of my mouth. I thought he'd laugh at me, or perhaps let out an 'I told you so', but all I got was him propping himself up on one elbow to give me a smile brighter than the sun itself.

"I'm glad, you didn't seem to be enjoying yourself at first." There rest of his sentence was left hanging in the air, the silent 'or now' never being spoken. I was glad for that, happy we could both pretend that I wasn't on the verge of a panic attack.

"You didn't either." I remarked, continuing to use the past tense so as to avoid us confronting this topic more seriously than need be. All I got was Dean tightening his lips, and falling back onto his pillow to stare determinedly at the ceiling.

"I dunno, I've been enjoying myself fine." Instead of arguing with him, I hummed in reply. His voice was paper thin and cracking at the edges, the fragility of the lie being palpable. I knew how awful it was for people to barge into the parts of your heart you'd closed off, and I wasn't about to do that to him. If he ever decided to open up to me, it would be on his terms.

In the silence that ensued, I found my eyes closing of their own accord, and soon enough I was surrendering to sleep. I didn't care that Dean was in the same room, nor that we had dinner in half an hour. I hadn't had a decent night's sleep in so long, too long, and my eyes burnt with the need to be shut.

Dean's POV:

After a while of staring at the ceiling with saying anything, a soft snore broke the silence. I knew Aubrey must've fallen asleep, and I let out a small chuckle at the fact that she couldn't hold her own against any type of activity. Not to say I could, I was constantly, permanently exhausted beyond relief. But I liked it here, in the silence of the cabin with her beside me. It felt as though I'd locked all of my awful thoughts outside.

This didn't used to happen. A lot of the time I felt like I ran and ran and ran but I never got further away from my problems. I banged doors shut, raising walls as high as skyscrapers, and they always found a way of seeping in. Yet Aubrey's presence seemed to ward them off, as if they couldn't hurt me and didn't even exist.

I knew it was all a false pretence, of course I knew, but as I watched her from across the room, I'd never felt anything realer. Her mouth was slightly agape, both arms tight to her chest, and a peaceful expression on her face. She looked… really beautiful. More than I'd care to admit. This was stupid, I didn't have time for crushes on anyone, let alone a girl who was as broken as me. I'd be better off locking myself from the world and keeping all my friendships as superficial as possible.

Even Grace, who I'd known for years and cared deeply about couldn't get past my defences. So what was it about Aubrey that did this to me? Was it the fact that she was suffering just like me? But it couldn't be, Josh was like that too and I didn't care for him any more because of it. I couldn't think of a single reason, if I was being honest, yet at the same time everything inside me seemed to scream an answer at me which I couldn't hear.

"Dean…" She sighed, making me turn back to look at her.

"Yeah?" But she was fast asleep, mumbling something or other under her breath. It made the corners of my mouth pull up immediately – her effect on me was probably disproportional to what she was actually doing but in that second I didn't care.

"Dean!" Her scream made me jolt out of bed, intending to go by her side, but she didn't look scared. She looked really pissed off though, her eyebrows drawn tight and a scowl on her face. "Don't bend the corner. Dean, no!"

Josh found me in the cabin a few minutes later, still laughing my head off. When I finally managed to get a full breath of air into my lungs, I looked at her, finding that her features had smoothened out again, a small smile taking the anger's place.

"Dude, you're so gross." Called Josh from the bathroom, sticking his head out of the door. I gave him a puzzled look, finally tearing my eyes away from her.

"What do you mean?"

"Oh come on, you must know you look like a lovesick puppy."

Shit.

 **Hi :)**

 **Dean's been a pretty oblivious idiot up til this point, but worry not, the magical Josh fairy has come to save the day ;) But literally, these two are more stubborn than Althea and Ian, and that's really saying something xD At least Dean's noticed his feeling's though, right? And, I mean, Aubrey's getting there. Somewhat. I'm sorryyyyy xD**

 **Aaaaand guest review time!**

 **\+ To the guest, ikr, I love teddies too :D I also hate people bending pages on books so it all worked out quite nicely ;)**

 **\+ Mystery, thanks a bunch!**

 **\+ Centa, wow, you're genuinely too nice. I'm so happy you like it though, it makes all the forcing myself to not get ahead worth it ;) I appease myself with cute scenes, which seems to be working for now haha. I might also get Josh to smash their head together in the future, see if that works out ;)**

 **\+ Sabine, I honestly can't remember if I sent you a PM saying thanks for your review. I mean if I did, double thank you then! And I know, fluffiness is honestly the best thing to happen since chocolate haha.**

 **Bye bye! xx**


	12. Chapter 12

Aubrey's POV:/p

"Aubrey, Aubrey, Aubrey!" Looking up from my book, I saw a few little boys from our group rushing up to me. We weren't doing much today, despite the illegality of it all. The adults had told us that we were supposed to be playing water polo, but our last day off had been much too long ago, when it had been raining a week ago, and we could all use a little break. In any case, Dean had promised it to me, and I'd made him keep to it./p

"What's up?"

"We have something to show you!" Zach was bouncing on his toes, a goofy smile on his face. His friends stood behind him, shyly peering at me from their safe vantage point. Truth be told, I wanted to stay curled up with this book forever, but if Zach and his little group of friends wanted to show me something that they'd deemed cool, so be it. I loved kids, it was such a shame the anxiety got in the way of so many things.

"Sure thing." As I stood up and placed my book down, an ominous voice in my head told me that I'd lost my safety, that the book I was hiding behind was all gone and I'd have to face the music if anything were to happen. With a trembling breath and clenched hands, I forced a smile on my features, nodding at them. "So, where's this cool thing?" Immediately Zach latched onto my hand, dragging me over to the pond off to the side of the pool, where him and a bunch of other kids were crowding around.

"Guys, I brought Aubrey." He stated proudly, puffing out his chest. With a grin, I leaned down, struggling to see what all the commotion was about. Once I did though, my blood ran cold, as I stumbled back. Little tadpoles were gathered around the shore of the pond, and I knew they couldn't hurt me, of course I did, but that didn't stop me from tripping over my feet in my attempts to get away from them.

And, seeing how luck was against me that day, I managed to fall straight into the pool, knocking my hip against the edge of it. The fall itself wasn't so bad, apart from the panic that shot through me as I clutched at empty air in hopes of grabbing something to steady me. What was bad, however, was the pop as I submerged, all the sounds of the world draining out. My mouth became water-logged, my lungs stinging and my chest on fire with the chlorine.

"After a few seconds, I finally rose above the surface, coughing water up from who knows where. It had all happened so quickly that no one had even had a chance to come to help me out, everyone staring at me with mouths agape. Dean snapped out of it quicker than the others, coming over to the edge to help me out. For that, I gave him a wobbly smile, while I continued to cough like my life depended on it.

"You ok?" The question took me a few minutes to answer, my mind too confused by the quick succession of events to really know if I was ok. The cement underneath me was scratchy, and warm from the sun that was high above me. I took one more steadying breath before I gave a nod, accompanied by an unsure smile.

"I'm fine. Just shocked, is all." Despite my words, I knew I'd analyse this moment once night fell. I'd play it over and over in my head, finding everything that went wrong and how much people would probably hate me for ruining their free day. I couldn't even meet Dean's eyes, I was so ashamed – I was clumsy and stupid and managed to almost drown in the 5-foot section of the pool. Not to mention that Zach and his friends were excited to show me the tadpoles, and instead were probably feeling guilty now.

"Ok." The tone in his voice showed me he didn't mean it one bit, but he still let me have that, simply crouching next to me. "I'm gonna get Aubrey dried up, 'kay Josh? Look out for the kids." There was no question in his voice as he helped me up, it all being a done deal since he spoke up. Josh looked like he wanted to argue, but by the time an indignant 'hey!' reached out ears, Dean and I had made it a good way towards the cabin.

"You doing alright?"

"I'm doing great." I responded, my mouth working as if on autopilot. Which was a good thing, considering he was still staring at me with those eyes that worked magic, and in that second I wanted to spill every secret I'd ever had.

"Right. But people who're fine… they can still ask for help, you know." At his words, my gaze snapped downward, as I shied away from his offer. I didn't need help and I wasn't going to ask for it. Certainly not in the middle of a large meadow in which anyone could be passing through. "Even if it isn't about what happened the other night," he was whispering now, both of us standing still and close in the esplanade. And every part of me was telling me to take off, to run and never look back. But my feet were rooted to the ground, all I could think about being that he knew something was wrong, and he wasn't running.

A wall inside my fragile heart crumbled at his words, and though twenty more still protected it, I felt as if I could reveal every single one of my secrets. With a clenched jaw and tightened fists, I went for the next best thing. I nodded.

"Is that a yes?" I couldn't say anything in response. That small nod had taken everything out of me. "Alright. So, what's with this fear of tadpoles?" The worry in his tone vanished, giving way to a teasing tone much too easily. It was obvious that he had a lot of practice in this field of changing your tone of voice to be something other people wanted to hear.

"Oh shush." I found myself smiling, because him teasing me lightly was emexactly/em what I needed in that moment, instead of all the crap we discussed when his expression sobered up. The seriousness was important, but this was so much easier. "This isn't even something I'm all that scared of."

"Oh? What would be then?"

"Pfft, so many things." He urged me on with his eyes, that easy smile still on his lips. "The dark and heights and cats and…" So it went, with me ticking them off on my fingers. At least half of them were animals. It really sucked, considering there were animals around the house constantly what with my mum's gift and all. "So I'm basically scared of everything."

"That's kind of adorable." His words made me look up sharply, finding his eyes glued to my face. I swallowed hard, my words stuck in my throat.

"I- I- uh-" All he did in response was chuckle, before opening the door to the cabin, which I hadn't realised we'd reached.

"Wanna borrow something dry?" He asked as he rummaged through his bag. I was still recovering from that conversation, slumping against my bed. I had some dry clothes, but in that second my mind didn't really register what he was saying, so I gave out a breathy affirmation.

I only relised how much of a bad idea this was when a shirt of his landed next to me on the bed, and I realised I emactually /emhad to put it on. A part of me liked the idea, as if we'd done this countless times before. The rest of me, however, was freaking out completely, until the point where I wanted to chuck it across the room.

Instead, I went into the bathroom, biting my lip hard. Ok, I could do this, it was just putting on a shirt. With a deep breath, I did, my hands shaking when I pulled the fabric over my head. I needed to stop, I was ridiculous. This was how every romcom started, but I had to get my head around the fact that Dean didn't see me in that way. The only reason he really hung around me was because he was worried about me. He'd probably only done this out of kindness.

"Telling myself I wouldn't optimistically look out for Dean's reaction, I sped out of the bathroom, sitting on my bed with my eyes downcast. Don't look don't look don't look- Damn it. I found my eyes drifting upwards, Dean's gaze meeting my own.

"What?" I whispered, my hands immediately going to my wrists to check that my bracelets were still in place. That was the only reason he'd be looking at me like that, surely.

"Uh- nothing. Nothing at all." He was blushing. My own face heated in response, as I once again asked myself what the hell I was doing.

This couldn't end well.

 **Hi :)**

 **Sorry this chapter's a bit shorter, but I hope I made up for it a bit with cuteness ;) Anyhows, tell me what you thought! I've had a bit more time for writing this week, thanks to it being half term, but unfortunately all my time's occupied with CV writing, which sucks ass, let me tell you. So bear with me haha.**  
 **Guest review thank you time!**

 **\+ Centa, thanks so much for your lovely review ^.^ And I like characters helping each other feel better by spending time together, cos I feel they're a bit too broken to do anything else, you know? But hopefully I'll make my mind up soon about how I want them to actually start dealing with their problems xD**  
 **\+ Mystery, again, thanks so much :D**

 **\+ To one of the guests (the one with the friend problem), I'm really sad to hear that, but I hope you'll feel better soon :D (and I'm glad that I could help :) )**

 **\+ To the other guest, I'm afraid I take a long time making characters get together, but all in due time ;) Thanks for your review!**

 **Bye bye xx**


	13. Chapter 13

Aubrey's POV:

We were going on a trip today. The news had been delivered with enthusiasm on Dean's part, like it was something to rejoice about. Under my breath, I hummed Funeral March, whilst Josh pretended to shoot himself. The affair brought a smile to Dean's lips, as if we were joking – I didn't know about Josh, but I certainly wasn't.

The thing was, I was sure that Dean wasn't feeling all that happy about it either, if the low hum of anxiety that I kept detecting from him was anything to go by. It was odd, how he was so good at making his smiles seem as radiant as the sun whilst holding so much pain inside him. I supposed that was the trick – the sun's too bright for anyone to look at directly. Whenever he smiled, the whole world lit up, and the room glowed gold, and we were all so entranced by it that none of us stopped to ask if he was ok.

And it hurt to think that so many of us were ignoring his predicament.

And it hurt that there was nothing I could do.

And it hurt that all I wanted to do was help him, but I was oh so broken myself.

Sighing, I finished packing my day bag, slinging it over my shoulder. The weight of it was comforting, whilst the world continued to swim with wrongness. It was a feeling that never truly left me, like this place wasn't meant for me. It was as if I had gotten lost at sea, or couldn't find my way in the dark. Except none of that was the case. The sun was shining and there were people smiling at me, but all I felt was _wrong_.

"Aubrey, hey." Dean jogged to catch up with me, Grace flanking his side. I gave them both a smile, knowing I could never rival his. I was sure they could see how I was lying, how my eyes squinted all wrong and my mouth's tilt was just a little too perfectly constructed. I was so certain of it that my chest clenched, and I was sure that the sadness swimming in my eyes turned into pain.

"Hey." It sounded weak and fragile to my own ears, so I pushed my shoulders back, hoping and praying that they wouldn't care enough to mention it. Today was certainly not a good day.

"You ready for this?"

"Not in a million years." I scoffed. I could downplay my sadness as anger at having to deal with the 'little monsters' (as Josh had nicknamed them) non-stop for a whole day. I could pretend I got motion sickness. I could do so many things if only I weren't such a bad liar and so selfish and so bad bad bad.

"Aw, come on, it's not so bad." Dean spoke with a lilt in his voice, showing his obvious lie, but I kept my mouth shut. I didn't think Grace had noticed, as she kept staring forward with a pensive look on her face.

I knew I needed to provide some response, but I was too out of it to really do so. My mind kept swimming into and out of focus, everything that was wrong coming to the forefront and forcing all other things into the back. All I saw was a dark, dark tunnel in front of me, no light on the other side. Today was one of those days that made me think about how I'd been living with this for several years, and had never gotten better. About how I probably never _was_ going to get better.

Even if I was, my non-fiction didn't have time for pretty narratives or happy endings. Because there was no ending. You get your happily-ever-after, you think everything's done and dusted, that nothing could ever get better than what you're living then. In a beautifully crafted story, that would be the end, no more to it. Why _would_ there be anything after that? From that point onwards there can only be bad. Happiness never lasts, things always happen. Things keep on happening no matter how much you want them to stop.

I wish I could've stopped yesterday, when Dean was helping me back to the cabin. His hand was warm and the sun was high in the sky and everything was good. I thought I could get better. But things never do. When they do, they just do so in order to get bad again. All just a stupid cycle of getting happy and getting disappointed. Rinse and repeat.

I wanted to cry.

My face crumbled, and before I could make a stupid excuse about having to go to the bathroom, Dean had grabbed my arm, towing me away from everyone. He shouted something to Grace, but I wasn't listening, blood rushing in my ears.

"Aubrey, Aubrey, hey, listen to me." We'd gotten to a spot nestled between trees. I didn't know how. My hands were shaking. I didn't understand what was happening.

Why couldn't I just _end_? It'd be so easy. Things never got better, so what would even be the point? Why couldn't I live in a fairy-tale, have things finish in due time, before they had the chance to go awry again?

I didn't know if I was breathing. Maybe I didn't want to breathe. Someone was shaking me. Dean. But panic just kept shooting through me and I kept seeing that tunnel ahead of me, with its dark opening and dark ending and dark everything, because things never got good for Aubrey Benedict. I started crying, ugly choking sobs, and Dean was hugging me now, and I still couldn't breathe.

Yet his touch grounded me, forcing me to come back to. My breathing was still sharp and all over the place, but I'd blocked any and all thoughts. They continued to seethe underneath the surface, but for now I was at a safe distance from them. Sagging against Dean, I took in a ragged breath, hating myself _so much_. Nothing ever happened to me, nothing truly bad anyway, I was just melodramatic and stupid and-

"Hey, it's ok. It's ok."

"I'm so sorry." I mumbled, the second my chest didn't feel like it was caving in on itself. I hoped the coach hadn't left without us, was my first thought. Then came the second, wishing they _had_ left us behind.

"Don't be. I just… I need to know if you're ok." He was going through something much worse than I, and here I was, placing myself in a situation in which _he_ was asking _me_ if I was alright. I hated this and I hated myself and I just, I wanted it to _stop_.

"I'm fine." I looked down at my hands, that were clenched painfully tight around my arms, and swallowed hard. "Of course I am."

Dean didn't say anything. Maybe that was for the best.

We didn't make it to the coach in time. Maybe that was for the best too.

 **Hi :)**

 **Sorry about the depressing chapter :/ But at least Dean was there for her, huh? ;) I've had this chapter planned for quite some time, but I found it a bit hard to write, cos I couldn't get down exactly what she'd be thinking to go through a panic attack. So I'm sorry it took longer to post :/ Tell me what you thought! :D**

 **Guest review time!**

 **\+ Thanks Mystery, I def needed the extra look with the Cv writing haha**

 **\+ Guest, thanks for your review! And unfortunately uni's are a bit expensive so I'm trying to earn some money beforehand to give me an advantage**

 **\+ Centa, you're so lovely, thank you so much :D And I have to admit, I love writing characters that have a tendency for cute moments cos it's what I live off of haha xD**

 **Bye bye xx**


	14. Chapter 14

Dean's POV:

I held Aubrey's shaking body as close as I could, sobs racking through her. Every once in a while, a 'sorry' escaped her lips, accompanied by more and more tears. I'd gone through many painful things this year, so it surprised me how much this hurt me. Every time I heard her cries, a dagger sunk itself deeper and deeper in my chest. I guess I hadn't truly realised how broken she was until I'd seen her go through a panic attack. Her eyes had been wild and frantic, her hands never idle – aggressive fiddling turned into vicious scratching, until I held them back, tightening my hold around her hands.

I knew it was a defence mechanism, but I didn't want her to hurt herself. I just wanted to help her. Why couldn't I help her? All I could do was hold her, and despite the beautiful day, feel like there was a storm cloud above us. The sun was shining on my face, the plaster wall behind me warm to the touch, yet all I saw was rain.

I wish I could simply remove her angst. If my power were greater I would be able to, but I was shattered myself, so I stared down at her instead. All I could see was the top of her head, as she was burrowed in my chest, obviously embarrassed to be crying in front of me. I didn't know what compelled me to do what followed, but I was emotional and scared and I had a crying girl in my arms. So I kissed the top of her head.

It was only a brush of the lips, maybe meant as a comforting action. Who it was supposed to reassure, I didn't know. I tried to convince myself that it was for her, but I knew it was for me. Because I felt so helpless, and there was nothing I could do.

Unfortunately, the action didn't go unperceived, as Aubrey lifted her head to stare at me. Her brown eyes had that intensity within that she always had, as if she was here and everywhere all at once. They were still frantic, glancing around like a hidden monster would jump at her at any given time. I didn't know what to say, her eyes held me in a trance I was unable to wake from.

"I'm sorry." She whispered to me.

"Don't be."

~That afternoon~

"Dean, oi!" I turned around slowly, recognising the voice straight away. It was Josh, who was storming towards me with a dozen kids in tow. I knew what he was going to say before he even opened his mouth. "You fucker! You left me alone with the gremlins in a fucking _museum_." All the kids in our group flinched, while I tried to look unperturbed – if you wanted children to be ok you had to first pretend that _you_ were ok. Luckily I'd mastered that a long while ago.

"Josh, is it really the best idea to discuss this in front of the kids?"

"I've been stuck with them for _hours_ Dean, do not tell me what I can do or can't do with them." Waves of sadness were already rolling off our group, which was no wonder, considering Josh was basically declaring his dislike of them. With a glare, I motioned they should come over to me. I couldn't stand to be around them like this without getting a headache, so I had to fix this fast.

"Who wants to see how Aubrey's doing?" I ignored Josh's indignant huffs from behind me, but I knew he'd be fine in a couple of minutes, especially if I was taking over from kid-duty.

"Is she sick?" Asked Lisa, who'd become particularly attached to her, ever since that first day in which they'd swam together. It was cute, and I didn't have the heart to tell her that Aubrey was worse than sick.

"Yeah, she came down with something this morning. I bet some get-better-soon cards would make her feel better though." Immediately, the sadness started ebbing away, as they all started discussing excitedly about the different cards they'd make her. With a smile, I directed them towards the arts and crafts hall, but not before sending a glare in Josh's direction. He stood stock still in the middle of the field, a mix between guilt and anger swimming in his eyes. He'd soon force all his feelings down with a bottle of vodka, I was sure. I felt bad for him, I truly did, but I had enough shit on my own to worry about the broken boy who was rude to the world and drank to forget he existed.

After an hour or so, all the kids had made cute cards, some with 'get better soon' written on, whilst others just had different drawings on them. I'd drawn her one too, and had written in small, tight writing at the bottom:

 _I know it won't get better soon, I'm sorry. I understand. I'm here if you need me._

I hoped she wouldn't notice it, but at the same time every fibre of my being buzzed with anticipation. I did want her to read it, I wanted her to look me in the eyes, giving me a small nod. I wanted her to clutch the card to her chest. More than anything, I wanted her to understand that I meant it.

"Do you think she'll like it?" Asked Zach from beside me, showing off his work with a proud expression. It was a sun with a smiley face on it, crudely drawn but cute all the same. It had a speech bubble next to it that said 'I believe in you!'

"Of course she will Zach, it's very pretty." He seemed satisfied with my response, nodding before trotting off to chat with his group of friends. After a while it had become obvious who was friends with whom in our group: Zach and his friends, all the girls banding together like an unstoppable force, and another pack of kids that always had energy to spare somehow.

I had yet to decide, but whether it was lucky or unfortunate, the walk to the cabin was short, with us coming to a stop in front of it a lot faster than I would've liked. And of course the enthusiastic kids had to run up to her door and knock, without giving me a few seconds to collect myself. I was so embarrassed by my card that I didn't even want to give it to her. Why had I said that I understood? I was so stupid, so damn stupid.

"Oh, hi." Aubrey said as she opened the door slowly, a grimace taking over her features. Quickly, much before any of the kids could notice, she twisted it into a smile. I knew she probably wouldn't want to talk to anyone, I shouldn't have said anything to the kids.

"We made you cards to help you get better!" Shouted someone at the front, and this was apparently an invitation for all of them to swarm inside, whilst Aubrey held the door open for them with a puzzled expression. I went in last, coming to stop beside her.

"I told them you were sick, so we made you some presents." I whispered in her ear, making her clutch the door tighter until her knuckles turned white. Softly, without looking at her, I separated her fingers from the frame, letting the door shut behind us. I realised I'd lingered perhaps too much on this action only afterwards, when I'd let her hand drop and found myself craving her touch.

My card remained in my pocket the rest of the afternoon, as Aubrey carefully opened every single one of the gifts the kids had made her. Every once in a while, my fingers twitched, begging me to just work up the courage to give it to her. It wasn't like it meant anything, she could think I was just trying to make her feel better, that saying 'I understand' was an act of sympathy and little else.

Yet no matter how much I tried to convince myself that it was fine, the card didn't move from its hiding place. When we went to bed I felt as if a hole had opened up in my chest.

 **Hi :)**

 **Sorry for the massive wait (I feel like I've been saying this so much lately "^.^ ) but waaay too much stuff has been happening lately so I haven't found time for this story. But I am honestly going to get down with it this week and catch up on tons of writing, in the spirit of NaNoWriMo :D**

 **Guest thanks:**

 **\+ Centa oh my god thank you so much! I'm always really unsure about writing scenes like that cos obviously ever person lives through panic attacks differently, so I'm glad you thought I did it justice :D And writing about stuff that can't happen in real life is definitely a great coping mechanism ;)**

 **\+ Guest, I'll be making the chapters longer from this one onward, so look out for that :) Thanks for your review :D**

 **\+ Mystery I'm glad you liked it ^.^**

 **\+ To the second guest, I haven't really gotten a job yet, cos apparently retail jobs are very demanding (smh). And thanks loads! I couldn't write such a sad chapter without Dean being able to be there for her, not gonna lie xD**

 **Thanks to all of you for reading :)**

 **Bye bye xx**


	15. Chapter 15

Aubrey's POV:

That morning when I woke up to the noise of the foghorn, no one was moving in the cabin. That was usually the case for Josh, who woke up seriously hung over most mornings, but Dean was always awake by the time I woke up. He looked tired most days, but he always managed to wake up.

The worry inside of him was thick enough to choke on, rolling off him in thick waves. He was either having a nightmare or awake, there was no way someone could appear so distressed in their sleep. Quietly, I made my way across the room, making sure not to wake up the still dormant Josh. The second I peered at Dean, I saw his eyes tightly screwed shut, almost looking painfully so. Whatever he was hiding from, he was doing a poor job of it, considering he still looked extremely sad.

I didn't want to startle him from his stupor, but he needed to get up soon. Josh had mastered the art of waking up half an hour late and being able to get dressed in 10 minutes, but I didn't think Dean would have that skill so perfected. Reaching out tentatively, I shook him.

"Dean, are you ok?" His eyes opened blearily, red rimming their edges. He looked awful, hair strewn every which way and dark bags under his eyes. My first instinct was to check for fever, but something in his expression told me this was something a little deeper than just a cold.

"I'm fine." Squinting at him, I made it perfectly clear I didn't believe him one bit. "I should probably get up." Despite indicating that he was going to do so, he took a painstaking five minutes to push the covers off, making it look like the hardest thing he'd done all day.

"You are _not_ fine. Go back to bed Dean." I shot him down, after watching him struggle with getting up, his anxiousness only becoming thicker with every second that passed. I wanted to try to relieve it a bit, but was afraid that if I dove into his deep seeded pain I might never escape.

"I feel great. Never better." The words left his lips dryly, without the usual forced excitement they carried. It shocked me that this was perhaps the first time I'd heard him talk without controlling his tone and every word. He was lying, yes, but I couldn't help but feel that this was the most honest he'd been since we got here.

"I'm serious, go to bed. I'll cover for you, tell them you're sick."

"Aubrey, I can't ask you to lie-" At this, I shook my head rapidly, preparing for my next words. I didn't want him to know that I'd noticed how sad he really was – he'd obviously put a lot of effort into hiding it from the world – but it felt inevitable.

"I'm not lying. Sure you haven't got a temperature, nor are you coughing your lungs out, but that's not all the types of illnesses there are." I felt that any words after that would be redundant, so I sent him a pointed glance, going into the bathroom to change. That day I drove a shaky line across my wrist because I couldn't help Dean find his broken pieces to put together again.

~That afternoon~

Today had been particularly hard, with Dean gone. He usually did most of the work, me being too much of a mess to and Josh simply not caring. That role fell on me today, as the kids didn't understand about people being too distraught to have fun with them.

Keeping a smile on my face became harder by the hour, until it was a feat to simply not burst into tears. Whenever I said something wrong, or Josh directed some particularly harsh words my way, something twisted painfully inside of me. It didn't help that Ben had been moved into my group, as it meant he was constantly dragging me to play with his friends. I didn't even have the option to supervise quietly from afar.

The girls had also developed quite an attachment to me, asking me to help them making bracelets for their barbies just like my 'cool' ones. It had all fallen apart when they'd wanted to take them off to take a closer look, to which I'd promptly snapped at them, too on edge to notice how out of place that was. Once I noticed that everyone was staring at me with wide eyes and slacked jaws, the little piece of my sanity I had remaining broke apart.

With a sorry and watery eyes, I ran from the building, hoping Josh would have enough neurons in him to take care of the kids. Truth be told, I wasn't thinking of anyone, or anything, apart from my bed. My warm cozy bed in which I could let my smile drop and tears fall. My bed, in which I could forget that there was such a thing as tomorrow. In which I could ignore that life was painful and every second hurt.

I was so preoccupied with my thoughts, that I didn't remember about Dean staying in until I was staring at the wood of the worn door. Once I did remember, I was tempted to walk away, go hide under a tree by the riverside in which no one would be able to find me. But then a sob escaped me, and Dean opened the door, and there was no way I could run whilst staring at his endless blue eyes.

"Mind if I pretend to be sick too?" I asked him, trying to ignore the tears cascading down my cheeks. My smile shook and trembled on my lips until it finally cracked, another cry leaving my chapped lips. He stared at me from his position in the door, looking pretty terrible himself, and nodded. He was shell-shocked, that much was obvious, and I wasn't in the mood for explanations as to why a day could break me so much so easily. I ducked into the room, going straight for my bed.

After a while hiding under the duvet, I heard the front door closing, footsteps padding across the room. The sound of sheets ruffling was a blessing, it indicating that Dean had gone back to do what he'd been doing before I'd barged in and destroyed his peace and quiet. He didn't take long to break the silence again, speaking up.

"Are you ok?" The question was shaky, but I ignored it for his sake.

"Yes."

"Bullshit."

"I don't think you're really one to talk about bullshit, Dean." My statement was met with a deafening silence, so I decided it was probably my turn to break it. "Have you been crying?" I wondered aloud, remembering his red, puffy eyes, as if they'd been scrubbed free of tears but more had just kept coming.

"No."

"Bullshit."

"I haven't."

"I think we're beyond the point where either of us can succeed in lying, so cut it out."

"Fine, then you start with your confession."

"I've been crying. I'm not ok." I said plainly, trying not to let emotion seep into it. I still had to choke back a sob at the end, because I'd never admitted this to anyone and it felt _so good_. Especially because I knew Dean wouldn't be able to tell anyone, lest I tell others about his own problems.

"I've been crying. I'm not ok." He echoed, it being enough for me. I knew we were both on ice too fragile to admitted anything else, even though I wanted to scream it all, now that I'd gotten started. How I had anxiety and every day hurt to go through. How nothing was good because everything could always go wrong. How I cut and sometimes I didn't even know why. But in the end we both stayed silent, all our secrets flitting between us without needing to be spoken.

"Have you…not been ok for a while?"

"Since September last year." From his actions and his words, I could guess he had something similar to me. What exactly, I didn't know – after all, he hadn't exactly let me see the real him, hiding behind his bright smiles and cute dimples. And in that silence in that quiet room, under my warm duvet and scary thoughts, I finally felt I understood. "Hey, Aubrey?" He asked after a few minutes of silence.

"Yeah?"

"Can I give you something?"

"Sure." I sounded calm, but immediately I clammed up, terrified of what he'd bring. Luckily, once he placed the mysterious object on my bed sheets he didn't stick around to see my reaction, simply hiding under his duvet. Tentatively, I reached my hand out, until my fingers brushed crumpled up paper. Curious now, I pulled it quickly under my covers, finding a card much like the ones the kids had made me a few days ago.

This one had a drawing of a brown love, with a speech bubble saying "I'm a horse!". Through my tears, I let out a giggle, whilst I smoothed out the wrinkles that ran across the whole thing. He must've been really emotionally frustrated when making this card, it looked like he'd even stomped on it.

However, when I opened it, the laughter died in my throat. In small, tight writing, it said "I know it won't get better soon, I'm sorry. I understand. I'm here if you need me", making me choke back a sob. This was possibly the sweetest present anyone had ever made me, especially without there being a reason for giving out a present.

I wanted to thank him my hugging the life out of him, but when I poked my head out from my sanctuary I found he was buried deep in his. I couldn't force myself to even get words out, so I laid back down, a giddy smile forming on my lips. Sure, I still had trouble interrupting people and was shy out of my mind and had possibly had a breakdown in front of a group of 10 year olds, but I was ok.

I had Dean, so I was ok.

 **Hi :)**

 **They finally admitted to each other that they're not ok! Took me a while ;) From this point it isn't just gonna be easy sailing, but for all of you who wanna get to the romancy bits they'll be showing up** ** _really_** **soon, promise :D**

 **Alrighty, and now guest review thank you!**

 **\+ Mystery, thanks! And I'll try to update more often :)**

 **\+ Guest, thank you, I'm glad you do :D**

 **\+ Centa, thank you so much, keeping up with updates on this story has been pretty stressful haha. I guess I've just turned into a massive perfectionist all of a sudden, so it's a bit of a mess atm "^.^ And Dean gave her the card! Thanks a bunch xx**

 **Trish xx**


	16. Chapter 16

I didn't understand what was happening. I'd woken up in a daze, unable to sleep, and had walked outside. I'd looked over at Dean's bed, at his calm features, not finding it in myself to wake him up from his slumber. This had become a regular occurrence at camp – me waking up, wanting to go over to him more than anything, and in the end just walking away. Now I was outside, with Josh standing in front of me, and I didn't even know how I'd gotten here.

"Hey Josh, you ok?" I didn't have any real reason to be afraid, Josh had never shown signs of wanting to hurt me, but for some reason my heart was thundering, and my feet were shifting in an attempt to make me run away in that moment. Behind him, I saw glass glinting, a bottle being hidden. This only made me more scared.

Instead of saying a 'fine' and letting us both get on with our lives, he let out an awful, bitter laugh that made a shiver run down my spine.

"W-what?" I shouldn't ask, I should just laugh along with him and then go. His expression had this horrible look to it, one that set me on edge even before he'd opened his mouth. Maybe it was the way the moon cast shadow over his face, or maybe it was the way he was obviously drunk. But there was something to him in that moment that told me to run. Run, never look back.

"Don't ask stupid questions, Aubrey."

"It was just- I didn't mean-" I couldn't finish my sentences, everything scrambling.

"I know, I know, I'm holding a bottle, and I'm the booze addict of the camp. So, obviously, I must be _great_." I swallowed thickly, taking a step away from him. His tone grew darker by the second, causing a knot in my throat. I knew he was hurting badly, but there was nothing I could do – nothing any of us could do. We were all just as broken as the others, the only thing we could do was try to get on with our lives and pray that at least a few of us came out of it alive.

"That's not what I meant." My voice was quiet, a silent whisper that sounded thunderous in the empty camp. I shouldn't have come out, it was late and I had no way to defend myself if something were to happen. Immediately I felt guilty for thinking such a thing. I wouldn't need to defend myself from him, I tried to reassure myself, but everything inside me kept screaming to run.

"Right, of course." He spat bitterly.

"I was just checking-"

"Because I'm obviously not ok, is that it? Because I hold a bottle in one hand and all my pain in the other?" I just wanted to go to bed.

"That's not it-" In that second, his emotions uncoiled, making him become bigger and meaner. His expression darkened too, a dangerous fire lighting in his eyes. I took a step back, growing more afraid by the minute, but he just came closer.

"Do you think this is easy?! Do you think I _chose_ to do this to myself?!" He shouted, his arms swinging wildly. I'd just asked him if he was alright, in the way you ask someone how they're doing or what they're up to. I couldn't do this, not at 2am, not ever. I wasn't good at dealing with people's pain, I had too much of it myself.

"Josh-"

"No, I know you judge me!" It must be the alcohol, I tried to console myself. After all, I hadn't _done_ anything. Had I?

"I- I just came to get some water, I'm sorry." I was backing away, eyes wide. I still didn't really comprehend what was happening.

"You hide behind your stupid bracelets and long sleeves and pretend like the rest of us don't matter. Hiding in your own shell as if you're the only one hurting. Well you aren't!" He grabbed my wrist, pulling sharply at it. I'd been trying to run away, and instead we were now closer than ever. I could see his chest moving up and down rapidly, and his breath fanned across my face, making me wince. He stunk of sweat and alcohol, and his anxiety crowded me.

"Why are you doing this?" I'd started to cry, pulling harder and harder. He didn't let me go.

"Because it hurts!" And then he broke off my bracelets, as if his pain justified doing this to me. As if him needing someone to vent at justified him cornering me when all I'd done was ask him if he was ok. With tears streaming down my face, I ran, but I knew he'd seen the expanse of scars that covered my wrists.

I didn't know what to do, so I somehow found myself back at the cabin, and then in front of Dean's bed. My whole body was in turmoil – with anger at Josh and anger at myself for making Josh feel like I was judging him, and fear that made everything throb with pain. I must've let out a noise of distress, because Dean was now opening his eyes, staring at me through the darkness.

"Aubrey? Are you ok?" A mangled sob left my lips, as I brought my arms close to my chest. I couldn't even articulate a single sentence, just sobbing in front of him. His gaze immediately shifted down to my bare arms, an understanding expression crossing his features. "Hey, hey, it's ok. I've got a long-sleeved t-shirt." Without taking another look back at me as I crumbled, maybe respecting that I didn't want to be looked at it in that moment, he got up to rummage through his bag. The t-shirt he lent me last week appeared by my side soon after, bringing a smile to my lips even through the tears.

Whilst I put it on over my own top I thought Dean would be overly respectful and let me get back to bed – despite that being the exact opposite of what I wanted – yet the second I finished putting it on, I was crushed into his arms. A giddy smile took over my features, but I only started sobbing harder.

Slowly, Dean laid back on the bed, pulling me with him so I'd lie on his chest. In any other circumstances I'd be freaking out about what this meant, but in that instant all I could do was cry as I tried to sort through my mangled thoughts. I didn't fully comprehend what had gone on, but there were sobs racking through my tired body and there was nothing for me to do apart from let them take over. It was as if I was sad without truly knowing why, even though I knew there was a reason for it.

I just felt so far away, the idea that someone had seen my scars so crazy and inconceivable and scary that I couldn't fathom it. You fear being mugged in a dark alley or the monster under the bed or finding a murderer behind your shower curtains, but when you're looking for the monsters the rational side of you knows there'll be no one there. You're scared, but it won't happen. This was like finding someone with a gun drawn laying in your bathtub.

"It's ok." Dean whispered in my ear, trying to comfort me. But I really wasn't so sure anymore. I felt as if a bullet had lodged itself in my chest. So I just let out a loud cry and buried myself further in his chest.

 **Hi :)**

 **Um, sorry? Please don't kill me xD I know this seems a bit out of character for Josh atm, but everything will be explained soon, promise :) And yeah I hate myself too for writing this haha. Also! I uploaded this a couple days early! Which is quite the feat considering my track record with uploading lately xD**

 **Guest review time!**

 **\+ Mystery, again thank you so much!**

 **\+ Lollipoof, I'm really glad you like it :) And I'm sorry if it's confusing, so I'll really really try to get these up earlier. I hope 2 days early is good enough haha. Thanks for your review :D**

 **\+ Guest, thank you so much! I'm so happy you found it sweet ^.^ And they will overcome it together, I culdn't live with myself if they didn't ;)**

 **\+ Centa, wow, your comments are so lovely I don't even know what to do with myself haha. The magnificent love has started! Although it's gonna take them a while to work through things, I need to give myself a little bit of fluff to make it all better ;) Thank you so much!**

 **\+ Guest, I know, it's hard to not go straight to it xD Soon though, I promise :D**

 **Bye bye! xx**


	17. Chapter 17

Josh's POV:

Things had never been particularly good for me. Maybe I was just exaggerating. Maybe I could only see the bad side of things. But that's what was wrong. Not the things happening around me – though that was certainly a large part of it – but rather that I made everything around me bad no matter what.

I was sure other people experienced it too. Aubrey herself was in a constant state of anxiety regardless of what was happening, while Dean went around with that fake smile of his as though he didn't have every reason to smile for real. And I drunk until I forgot everything, because I could never see the good in things. We were a screwed up bunch.

It was dumb, we all had perfectly lives, I thought bitterly, swirling the beer around my bottle. I had nothing _to_ forget. I sometimes told myself that I drunk, not to get the answer, but rather to forget the question. But what _was_ the question? That I had such a hard life teaching a bunch of 10 year olds how to play Marco Polo? Pathetic.

We were all just that, pathetic. Aubrey and Dean too. Not to mention Grace, who zoned out more times a day than I could count, all to fade into her own little world to forget the rest of us. I'd been trying to get her attention for close to a month now, and I never got any closer to her. It seemed like the world was too boring for her. Boo hoo, I wanted to shout at her, but really, who was I kidding, I was like that too. We all were, it's what teenagers do.

Although I sometimes felt as though we took this stereotype that people forced on us and embraced it. When someone says you can't do something, you're less likely to be able to do it. And when someone says you're more likely to be sad or egotistical or overdramatic, you feel entitled to do it, like there are no consequences of doing that because people expect it of you anyway.

It was dumb, oh so dumb.

Not liking the spiral of pain my thoughts were being sucked into, I thought back to Grace. She had pretty eyes and a pretty mouth and pretty everything. Yet she was so pretty that people expected her to be something special, so something special she became. She was aloof a lot of the time, only coming down to earth to make stupid jokes with Dean.

Dean had a way of doing that to people, pulling them down and forcing them to listen to him, similar to the way you can't help yourself from looking up at the night sky when all the stars are shining. I hated him sometimes, I truly did.

I still remembered the first time she'd come to the clearing I was sat in now, when I'd felt so inadequate compared to him. Yet for some reason she'd still chosen to have me comfort her instead of him.

 _"Grace?" Speak of the devil, I thought bitterly, as Grace walked through the treeline almost in a trance._

 _"Josh."_

 _"…you ok?" She was out of it, but more so than usual, a blankness in her features that seemed unnatural._

 _"I don't know." At this, I frowned, standing up. Immediately, she took a step back, hiding partially behind a tree. I was a bit passed the point of drunk, but I surely couldn't be that terrifying. I was just trying to help. I was just_ trying _. Why was I so useless?_

 _"Did something happen?" Ignoring my question, she started fiddling with her hands, picking at her nails. Trying my luck, I took a step forward, but all she did was go back again, now getting further from the meadow. I knew I should sit down, stop being threatening to her, but everything inside me was telling me to run to help her, so I stayed standing, my feet shifting in anxiousness._

 _Everything was hazy, the alcohol giving the world a blurry tint. I was used to it, but that didn't mean it wasn't dulling my senses. I should perhaps not speak, in case any of my inner thoughts suddenly teleported to my mouth without my permission, but I wasn't known to have much common sense whilst drunk, so I tried again._

 _"What are you doing here?"_

 _"Dean told me you hang around here."_

 _"Yeah? You could've talked to me during the day Grace."_

 _"This is important." I frowned at her words, not understanding what could be so important at midnight, when Grace had previously not even given me the time of day._

 _"Oh?"_

 _"How do you deal with pain? I can't do it anymore." Her voice was strained, as though the question had forced itself out of her lungs. If I had been sober I might've given her a proper response, but as it was I was beyond gone, so I let out a loud guffaw of laughter._

 _"I think what I do can hardly be classified as dealing."_

 _"Please."_

 _"I… don't know, Grace. It's hard, you know, of course it is. I don't know what you're going through, but there's always going to pain."_

 _"Don't tell me that!" Her outburst took me by surprise, and it took my cloudy brain a second to catch up. She'd taken a few steps forward, her face heating in anger._

 _"I'm sorry?" I'd never seen her angry before. Aloof, yes, but never anything that took more effort than a half-smile._

 _"I'm hurting so so bad, you can't just tell me it won't ever go away." Of course. We all had to be special snowflakes, the only ones entitled to pain and to hurting and to dramatic breakdowns at 1 am._

 _"What else do you want me to tell you? We're all hurting." She'd probably expected me to see her glassy eyes, tear-streaked face, and felt some pity for her. Gone over to her, hugged her to my chest, made empty promises that things would one day be ok. If she wanted chic-flick shit like that she should go to Dean, maybe Aubrey. Definitely not me. I was the one to go to if you wanted to get slapped by reality, which was obviously not what Grace had wanted._

 _"I just want it to go away."_

 _"Don't we all." I offered her a beer with a sardonic smile, which she took hesitantly. And so, our friendship was sealed._

She still barely spoke to me during the day. The most I got was a sparing glance. But at night, when she crawled beside me and the rest of the world looked away, she was finally back on earth.

"Hey Grace." I greeted her, motioning she should sit beside me. She still believed herself very special for drinking to forget the pain, but each to their own I supposed. She'd probably not told Dean, wanting to reveal it in a dramatic meltdown in which she told him all her secrets.

"Hey." When I handed her a beer, she snorted, laughing softly. "You're such a bad influence."

"That's me." By that point, I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't think to wink at her, or act flirty in any way, despite that being my usual MO around her.

"You alright?"

"Just a bit out of it."

"If it makes you feel better, I'm probably worse. You wouldn't believe what happened today." And so, she started retelling her day, whilst I couldn't help myself from thinking that it felt like a competition. Like I wasn't allowed to say 'I'm hurting' without her corresponding with 'I'm hurting more'. It was stupid, but then again so was I, and I found her so entrancing that I kept watching her telling the story.

"Oh yeah, my day was pretty bad too-" I began once she was finished, hoping to maybe get in a couple of jokes to make her laugh. She stopped me before I could though.

"Can't be worse than mine." There was humour in her eyes, but her words still cut right through me, bringing to the forefront everything that had been wrong with this friendship from the start. How it was just the one-man Grace show, despite there being two of us. How she just wanted to feel like she was in a chick-lit for hanging out with me at night but not looking at me during the day. How she wanted to be special for drinking away the hurt.

"You know, it isn't a competition. We can both have shitty days."

"That's not what I was saying-"

"I know, but my point still stands. It's just that these things always feel like a competition with you."

"Maybe I'm just in a lot of pain." Her words angered me, making me scoff.

"Oh fuck off, we're all in a lot of pain. Have you _seen_ Aubrey and Dean lately?" From her blank stare, it was very obvious she hadn't. "I'm sorry Grace, but it's clear by this point that all you care about is _your_ pain, _your_ storyline, _your_ problems. I'm not saying they're not valid, but so are everyone else's."

"Are you calling me selfish?"

"Maybe." And, because I wasn't one to sugar-coat the truth, I had to fuck everything up. Without another word, she stormed away, leaving me alone with my thoughts. Yet the silence didn't last very long, Aubrey coming in like an elephant in a stampede.

"Hey Josh, you ok?" She asked, her big brown eyes blinking at me. I still had fire within me, and pain seeping through every surface, so I exploded. I'd probably regret it the morning after, but all I could think about in that moment was how Grace was the closest thing I had to a friend, and I had to fuck it up. All I saw was the bad in things, and that included people too.

 **Hi :)**

 **Sorry this chapter didn't have Aubrey or Dean, but I really wanted to explore Josh's character and introduce his friendship to Grace, so I sort of forgot xD But I mean extra lg chapter, so at least there's that, right? ;)**

 **Guest review thank you time!**

 **\+ Mystery, I'm glad you liked it :D Thanks a bunch xx**

 **\+ To the llamacorn Guest, haha, your review was brilliant. And I'm glad my updates help ;)**

 **\+ To Centa, yeah, it definitely makes the ending that much better, that's why I end up being really mean to my characters a lot of the time xD And I'm glad you thought it was heartbreaking, I was hoping for that :D Thanks ^.^**

 **Bye bye xx**


	18. Chapter 18

Aubrey's POV:

Maybe I was dissociating. Maybe I didn't have any idea what was happening. All I knew was that I was meant to be sad. Josh had broken my bracelets, revealed the only part of me I'd wanted to kept hidden forever, so I should be destroyed. Hiding under my bed, compulsively scratching my arms, struggling for breath. Instead I felt… empty. Truly, absolutely empty.

I hadn't gone into the pool today, because I was stuck in a long-sleeved top pretending I was ill. Dean had been the one to devise the plan, whilst I stared blankly at him from my spot on the bed. The conversation hadn't been exactly riveting, nor held the charm that I was usually hopelessly attracted to. I just replied in grunts as Dean flitted about me, asking a plethora of questions along the lines of are you sure you're ok?' 'did something happen?' 'where are your bracelets?' 'who did this?', and many more I hadn't so much as bothered to remember.

My brain felt chaotic, as though I'd stuck it in a hurricane and everything was happening too fast for me to comprehend. I wanted it to stop, I thought to myself, but that didn't feel like quite the thought I was trying to convey. It was what I always thought when in this type of situation, but I felt too numb to really think of much this time.

Maybe I was meant to be angry at Josh, or perhaps thankful that Dean had taken me under his wing. Maybe I should be hiding my melancholy expression from the kids splashing around in the water in front of me. Maybe I should feel shame or sadness or _anything_ but not this emptiness that threatened to void me of any emotion.

This was fine, I told myself. It was better than crying or having a panic attack. It _was_ , but at the same time, it felt wrong, like despite not feeling anything I was still experiencing it all, just too far away to be able to stop it or properly feel it. But it was _there_ , and it was making me feel bad all over.

Josh hadn't shown up yet. Dean still didn't know that Josh was the one who'd caused it, although he might suspect it, from the looks he kept tossing over his shoulder at the entrance to the pool. He was keeping his expression neutral, so as to not alarm the kids, but that wasn't any good. If he was mad, I could be mad too, anger rolling off me as I punched walls and kicked into the water and threatened to take myself out if only to destroy Josh too. If he was sad, I could finally wallow in the despair that constantly surrounded me, pretend to be desperately sad for a few days, and finally get that break I apparently needed.

But he was neutral, and I didn't know how to feel. All I knew was it was bad, and I didn't know what to do.

Almost mindlessly, I grabbed the notebook next to me, which had been placed by a hopeful Dean in case I 'got bored'.

 _I don't know how I feel._

 _Tears are welling in my eyes, threatening to over take me and wash away the pain. But they never come, just leaving me with this sort of churning in my stomach that makes me feel sick. I'm not sure why I'm even writing all of this down, it isn't making me feel better, but the things are getting a little bit too much and I need some way to get it out. Things are always 'too much', like my brain can't handle even being lightly grazed by a feather. I'm hopeless, I truly am, and this will never get better. Even when everything's going well, and I've got a husband and two kids and maybe even a white picket fence, I'll still find things that will hurt me. I'll knit-pick at the situation, taking it apart piece by piece, until I find something that gives me anxiety._

 _And I'll let it end me._

This wasn't helping. With an angry growl, I threw it in the pool, earning me the attention of the whole group. Dean was the first one to react, much like always, when he saw my tear-streaked face.

"Guys, keep playing, I don't think Aubrey's feeling ok." He quickly swam over, ignoring the kids that were gawking at me. At any other time I would've wanted to hide away, forget this moment ever happened, but I felt so _broken_. I splashed my toes in the water, noticing how cold it was starting to feel. Dean was getting closer, his concerned grimace only deepening as he saw my expression. Tears kept rolling down my cheeks without there being anything for me to do to stop them, so I continued to splash water.

"Dean look!" I tried splashing at him, to get the attention away from my tears and my pain, but Dean simply looked more worried.

And then I started sobbing harder than I'd ever done in my life, feeling stupid, oh so stupid, because I didn't even feel bad. Just empty. Like my emotions were so big that I could no longer even graze them with my fingertips.

At the same time, it felt like I was being hit by a ten ton truck, like there was every reason in the world to cry in front of 20 odd kids. The turmoil inside my head was so confusing, that I couldn't sort out what was happening, couldn't _think_. Crying seemed all I was capable of in that moment. Gently, Dean lifted me up, without me noticing that he'd gotten out of the water.

"We shouldn't leave the kids." I blubbered, and I knew that should be the least of my worries, but I felt like trying to understand my thought process by this point was like trying to catch flies with chopsticks.

"It's fine, I left Lisa in charge." We were back at the cabin now, somehow, although I didn't even really remember going anywhere. "Aubrey, hey?"

"Lisa's young though."

"We talked about that like ten minutes ago, are you ok?" He kneeled down in front of me, to come eye level with me on my spot on the bed. I was still blinking tears out of my eyes, but I didn't know if they were falling. Judging by Dean's expression, they probably were.

"No Dean, I'm fine." Everything was breaking and everything hurt. And maybe this was the culmination of the past 3 years of anxiety, maybe not, but I felt as though nothing had ever been fine.

"I thought we'd agreed to cut the crap." His words would've sounded harsh from anyone else's mouth, but he said them so softly, as though all he wanted was for me to understand that he was here.

I wanted to trust him with everything, to say 'I'm not ok, I'm really really not ok', but I couldn't do it. I opened my mouth, I closed it, and I knew sound should come out, but it never did.

"What're you so afraid of?" Dean asked me, his words sparking with blatant worry. But this was the wrong thing to say, my mind flooding with a plethora of ideas. I was scared of Josh getting angry that I'd told Dean things to turn him against me. I was afraid of him thinking I was stupid – and he wouldn't be wrong. The sentence 'Josh ripped off my bracelets' didn't seem to account for even half the destruction that had gone on in my brain. Yet it was more than that, it wasn't just Josh, it was years and years of piled up pain, and suddenly getting my defence mechanism taking from me by force. There was no way of explaining that to Dean without sounding pathetic. So I started with something I _could_ talk about.

"The dark. Dogs. Cats. Josh. Never escaping the pain. Heights. Being pathetic. Being selfish. You." I realised this didn't answer his question, but it was all I could do. I wanted to escape, to maybe hide in the bathroom for a few hours, but I was weak – I couldn't pull myself away from his gaze. So I stayed rooted to the spot, all of my secrets splayed out for him to see.

 **Hi :)**

 **More Dean and Aubrey this chapter, cos I felt you deserved it after a chapter solely on Josh ;) From now on the chapters will have more of a mix, rather than just being about one character, which is good cos that's a lot more fun for me to write :D**

 **Also, we're about to reach the 100's and as per usual I wanna write you guys a special chapter :) If you have any ideas, drop them in the review box, and I'll put together a list of suggestions next chapter :)**

 **Guest review time!**

 **\+ Mystery, thanks a bunch :D**

 **\+ To the first Guest, I'll be getting to the savant stuff quite soon, but I'm not sure how long I'll take to reach the soulfinder bit. Hopefully the rest of the story can tide you over til then :)**

 **\+ Llamacorn, I know what you mean about preferring reading to important coursework and revision haha, so I'm glad my story's a good distraction xD And dw, they'll all be getting some happiness soon :) (I think they kind of deserve it by now, haha)**

 **\+ To the second Guest, here's your cute Dean and Aubrey chapter! Hope you liked it :D**

 **\+ Centa, yeah that's what I wanted to explore, how Josh seems like such an awful character, but there's always a reason behind certain actions. And I've always been really optimistic, so I wanted to try to see the world from the eyes of someone really cynical. And yeah, it will (hopefully ;) ) work itself out, it's just a case of me figuring out how haha. Thanks for your review!**

 **Bye bye xx**


	19. Chapter 19

Dean's POV:

I didn't know what was happening in the camp, but it seemed like everyone was going in a downward spiral. Like we'd all reached our limit and triggered the same event to occur in everyone else. Aubrey was so out of it that she seemed to be looking through objects, her gaze lost and unfocused. Josh was drinking more than ever, only reappearing from his place in the forest for dinner and to look at Grace with a hard, unwavering stare.

She didn't seem to mind, her mind too lost to notice much of anything. Normally I was enough to pull Grace down from her spot up in the clouds, a few well-placed jokes being enough to elicit a laugh from her. Nowadays, she only came down long enough to shout at Josh, and even then she retreated into her own mind to protect herself from Josh's words. Their arguments were always the same, her screaming she wasn't selfish and him laughing and her screaming some more.

I'd tried reassuring her that she wasn't selfish, but I didn't have the effect Josh did, I was no longer enough to get her attention. She needed a fiery passion – whether from love or anger, the verdict was still up in the air – not a friend that told her what she wanted to hear.

The camp was falling apart, and with my mum's fast approaching anniversary, I felt as though I was too. The world didn't have time for my self-destruction though; Aubrey had been hurt by something, Josh and Grace had a lot of issues to solve, and little kids didn't understand about people being too hurt to take care of them. So I swallowed it all back, told them all to stay home, and joint my group with Grace's. Her partner was quite nice, albeit a bit quiet. It was a nice change from the hell that awaited me back at the cabin.

The day passed without much issue, at least on the surface. Beyond that, everything was going wrong. My stomach was twisting and clenching, I felt like nothing had ever gone right, and the craze that awaited me back at the cabin was making me want to hide out in the forest forever. Not to mention that I couldn't stop thinking about Aubrey, like she was a forest fire, overtaking everything until there was nothing but her. The embers in her eyes and the burning in her cheeks and her rosy lips and how much she hurt without letting herself show it.

However, despite how much I was dreading it, I had to go back at some point. Whilst all the kids went to have dinner, I made the tread through the small clearing, approaching our cabin much faster than I wanted to. The closer I got, the clearer I heard the screams coming from within. More than ever, I wanted to turn around now, but I knew that if Grace and Josh were duking it out, someone had to come and stop them. Somehow, I couldn't see Aubrey doing that.

Yet as I got to the door, it became apparent that Grace wasn't in there. For one, all I could hear was Josh's voice – and Grace didn't take shit from anyone, so she'd for sure be shouting back if she were in there. But it wasn't just that. There was a twisting in my heart that told me Aubrey was in trouble, an indescribable turmoil of pain that told me to barge in there and take her far far away.

"You think you're so special, just like the rest of them! All special snowflakes, too precious for this world. Well you know the fuck what? Maybe it's good I ripped off your bracelets! The world's been so kind to you, and yet you still antagonise over everything as though it's the end! There's people with _actual_ fucking problems Aubrey-" At the mention of her name, I'd had enough, slamming the door open. If it were possible for me to do so, I was sure there'd be sparks emerging from my very form. A tornado would swoop in through the door, formed from my sheer anger alone. More than anything, I'd be flying high up in the air, Aubrey safe in my arms at last.

"You don't know what the _fuck_ you're on about." I'd never been so angry. Sad, depleted, anxious, yes. But it had been a whole year since I'd felt an emotion as intense as this, rather than just apathy.

"Aw, look Aubrey, your prince charming to the rescue. Because you're too pathetic to save yourself." He said it all in the tone you'd use to speak to a baby, as if his words weren't filled with enough venom to kill. Not caring about what had caused this, I tackled him to the floor, anger rolling off me in waves.

"Shut the fuck up."

"No! I'm so done with all of you! I'm sick and tired and all you do is think the world fucking revolves around you and your broken hearts."

"I said shut up!" My hands were clenching on the floor, begging me to throw a punch his way. Everything was throbbing in pain, my whole being telling me that this asshole had hurt Aubrey and, in that moment, that mattered a whole lot more than the fact that we'd known each other for 3 years. I'd always put up with his shit, but he'd crossed a line.

"Why?" He taunted at me, making my already angry mind erupt in flames.

"Shut. The. Fuck. Up." With each word, I sent a punch his way, most of them being avoided. I didn't care, the single one I landed on his jaw was satisfying enough for me to keep trying, even when my knuckles started burning and I'd hit the floorboards more than him. In a single movement, he flipped us over, his head towering above me, a viscous smile on his face.

"And what're you gonna do to stop me?" By that point I was so fired up that I couldn't think straight, couldn't realise the repercussions that my following actions would take. With a growl, I threw him out of the room, using my telekinesis to hurl him as far as I could. Satisfied, I slammed the door shut, the lock clicking in place.

"D-d-dean?" Realising Aubrey was in the room, I turned towards her voice, her form huddled against the corner. Rushing to her side, I picked her up, hugging her with none of the anger I'd held inside me only seconds before.

"I'm so sorry he said those things to you. They're not true, not any of them, I promise."

"You made him _fly_." Shit. I'd forgotten in the heat of the moment that Aubrey didn't know what I was. Immediately, dozens of excuses started flying through my head, but none of them could explain away someone flying through a doorway and then the door shutting after them.

"No. No- you- you imagined it."

Grace's POV:

At the shouts from nearby, I'd gone out of my cabin, not trusting Dean and Josh to be nice to Aubrey. Dean seemed to care about her an awful lot, but when he got fired up he often forgot the rest of the world. I couldn't blame him, spending much of my time in the clouds.

I didn't have much time to myself to ponder about what could be happening, finding Josh on the floor in front of the cabin. He was staring up blearily, his hands tightening around strands of grass as though they were his lifeline. I wanted to grab his hands, make him hold me instead of the ground, but I'd destroyed any chance I had of being able to do that. So instead I made my way over to him, trying to act as aloof as possible.

"Josh? Are you ok?" The answer was obvious, but I pretended that his being on the floor was a complete normal occurrence. It'd be easier than gathering enough emotion to show my worry for him. I had a problem with facial expressions – it was always so much easier to keep my face neutral, the turmoil happening in my head rather than outside for anyone to see.

"I'm fucking fantastic, Grace, that's why I'm lying on the floor." We each had our defence mechanisms, I supposed.

"Sorry." I said in a tone that clearly indicated I was anything but. Why did I like him again? I wasn't entirely sure I could feel emotion, yet Josh made me feel as if I could. When he looked at me, I always glanced away absently, like I hadn't noticed his lingering gaze, but something inside me stirred at his actions. Something which had remained unmoving for a very, very long time.

"Dean kicked me out of the room."

"What did you do?"

"I shouted at Aubrey." At this, I slapped him lightly on the shoulder, but there was no intention in the hit. Shouting at people was bad, that's what I'd been taught, although I personally saw no fault in it. What better way to get your point across? Then again, if you needed to use volume to do that, perhaps your argument wasn't that strong after all.

"Idiot. Of course he kicked you out, he cares about her."

"I've had a lot of problems lately. I start shouting at people without even noticing why."

"Like the other day with me?" I said it quietly, not wanting to remember that painful night. I knew I was selfish, and so empty of emotion that I could possibly considered a sociopath, but I didn't like thinking about those things. Everything inside my head hurt too much.

"Yeah." He got up painstakingly slowly, until he was sitting on the grass with me, his eyes reflecting the shine of the moon. "Fancy a drink?" I knew this was his piece offering, and, frankly, I couldn't think of a better way to forget how fucked up we all were.

 **Hi :)**

 **Sorry this is a day late, I wasn't completely happy with this chapter so I put off posting it last night so I could retouch it this morning. I'm still a bit iffy with it, but I hope you guys liked it :/ Sorry Josh and Dean got into a fight, they just started writing themselves at one point haha - this wasn't even part of the plot. I'm such a disaster, I swear.**

 **Anyhows, guest review thank you time!**

 **\+ Mystery, thanks for your comment! And I'll add that to the list, watch out for it at the bottom of this author's note :)**

 **\+ Llamacorn, I'm glad you thought so! I mean I'm not glad that you almost cried haha, but I'll get a nice fluffy chapter in there to make it up to you ;) I haven't got a job yet, no, although I'm applying to burger king now, and I've heard they don't reject anyone so who knows xD**

 **\+ Centa, oh my god, you're too lovely. Thank** ** _you_** **, honestly that review made my day, I'm glad I was able to portray Aubrey's feelings in a way that felt realistic :D I was kinda worried about it, cos a lot of her other feeling I've personally felt before, but I've never felt that empty, so I had to do a lot of research aha. Thanks for your review!**

 **Now, these are the ideas I've compiled for the special chapter! Vote in the reviews and I'll see which one you guys want :D**

 **\+ Christmas chapter! This would never happen in the story's timeline cos they're at summer camp, but we can pretend ;)**

 **\+ A chapter from Grace's POV, all about her feelings towards Josh and the like**

 **\+ A chapter about Aubrey's childhood, featuring Petal and Gray :)**

 **I know this A/N was really long, sorry about that**

 **Bye bye xx**


	20. Chapter 20

Aubrey's POV:

With a disgruntled sigh, I pressed the stapler against the wall, hearing the annoying click again that told me I was out of staples. I wouldn't be subdued however, pressing it again with more force. A click sounded again, like it was making fun of me. All I wanted was to finish putting up the tinsel without having to go down the ladder, was I asking for too much from it?

We were preparing Christmas decorations for the kids, as we'd each gotten assigned different jobs. Unfortunately, we all had to help set out the hall, regardless of what he had to do individually. I'd learnt the hard way that people on this camp didn't like working in teams, instead each shunning themselves to their own festive corner. Mine wasn't looking all that festive, tinsel drooping sadly on the wall and the 'merry Christmas!' banner having lost its charm a good after the 5th time it had refused to stay up. Apparently cellotape didn't agree with it.

"Aubrey, you doing ok up there?" Dean's voice soothed over me, making me stop attacking the wall with the stapler. Truth be told, I was as far away from ok as it got. I was about a metre from the ground, my knuckles clenched so tight around the handle of the ladder that they were white, and the last thing I wanted to do was go back down. Beside me, the banner slowly detached itself from the wall, one of its corners sagging. I could feel myself going crazy.

Not to mention that Josh's words kept resonating around no matter how hard I tried to get them out. Pathetic, he'd said, or was it useless? I couldn't remember, the words all merging together until all I heard was coated in a sheen of malice. I hadn't gone in the pool for about a week now, keeping to long sleeves regardless of how much the kids begged me to come in. That was the only good thing about today - getting away from all that. Everything else was bad however, including the ladder I was precariously standing on.

For most people, a metre in the air wasn't a problem. It wasn't for me either, usually. But when the ladder had been shaky and I'd had to wiggle around to try to stick tinsel to a wall, I'd almost quit altogether. I would have too, if I hadn't heard Josh's voice behind me, saying something about how the ladder wouldn't run away if I held it any less tight. This had been proceeded by Dean threatening to punch his teeth out, and Josh pretending to seal his mouth shut. It hurt to see everyone from so upset with each other, and I'd had tears welling in my eyes until I pushed them all back.

"Aubrey?" Dean called again, reminding me that he'd asked me something.

"Yes. I just, um, my stapler ran out."

"Here, pass it down, I'll stock you up." He seemed to read my meltdown as frustration rather than genuine fear at having to move, which I was happy to let him believe. I'd already given him enough trouble with my panic attacks and general emptiness this week. With a relieved sigh, I started turning to give it to him, when the ladder shook just the slightest amount. This was enough to spook me however, making my legs shake and my breath go all over the place. As quickly as I could, I turned back around, sticking myself to the wall and wishing more than anything that there were something to hold on to. "Woah, what happened?" He asked, his hands settling on my shoulders to steady me. The small touch was enough for my heart to beat even faster in my chest.

"I- the ladder- and- and- heights and-" Immediately, his arms wrapped around my waist, lifting me straight off the ladder. I let out a small squeak at the sudden movement, my frantic hands clutching at thin air until they finally settled over his. When my feet touched the ground, only seconds later, all the air inside my lungs whooshed out of me, leaving me sagging against Dean. But he never let go.

"Better?" He whispered in my ear, sending goosebumps racing down my neck. I could only nod. My stomach was in knots and I hadn't felt an emotion this strongly in months - not one that wasn't fear or dread. I couldn't even recognise it, it had been so long.

"Better." He must've not felt the electricity coursing through him like I did, as he quickly recovered, turning me around in his arms.

"You should've said if you were scared." Of course he didn't feel like I'd done, I'd been silly to think I could cause someone to feel as if their veins had been injected with pure gold. That's what he made me feel. All the while he was only thinking about how I got scared of going up on what could practically be considered a stool. "I would've done it for you."

"You would've?" I wasn't concentrating on our conversation, as the anxiety within me returned the second his hands dropped from my waist. After that small oasis of happiness, the emptiness inside me felt even larger and darker than before. My hands clenched into fists by my side, but I refused to let out any other indication of how awful I felt. How awful I'd been feeling for a week now.

"Always." And with that, he grabbed some staples and moved up the ladder, securing the Christmas banner as he went. As I watched him work, all that kept bouncing around my head was that word – always. It removed the darkness inside me once more, lighting me up from the inside out, and I again returned to that beautiful world in which Dean paid attention to my every move and Josh's words didn't exist.

~O~

I was decked out in elf gear and, honestly? I didn't think I'd ever hated life as much as I did in that instant. My hat jingled every time I so much as blinked, the outfit was baggy to the point where I looked like a twelve year old boy, and there were kids flocking me. Dean's effect on me had long since worn out, the dread at having to deal with so many children and keeping away from Josh and everything else returning. I felt as though something were squishing me down, too many things to think about drowning me. There wasn't enough time to figure out how to stop everyone fighting, whilst figuring out what to do about my scars, and as a horrible plus knowing the kids would soon start questioning my slowly increasing anxiety. I was sure it was completely apparent to everyone by this point, I'd never been a good liar.

"Aubrey, Aubrey! Since when have you been one of Santa's elves?" One of the braver ones asked, possibly for the fiftieth time tonight. With a strained smile, I repeated the same story.

"He recruited me because he knows so many of you in this camp are good, so he could use some helpers. That's why Josh and Dean are dressed up too." Really it was because all the cabins had drawn straws and we'd pulled the shortest one. I'd been too anxious to be the one to select a straw, so luckily none of that blame fell on my shoulders. Josh carried the burden instead, making Dean glare at him out of the corner of his eye every few minutes.

"If only you'd picked the one I told you to-" He hissed at Josh, in a low whisper that the kids weren't supposed to hear. They weren't stupid though.

"Dean." I spoke, my tone strained. This was enough for him to pull back, continuing to tell the kids stories about reindeers. We were just cheap entertainment until Santa came, really, so the only point to us was to chat to the kids.

"Aubrey, what's Rudolf like? Did you meet him?" Asked Lisa excitedly, pulling my attention away from the two boys. Carefully, I made up a tale about a reindeer who's nose glowed red, luckily making the kids giggle and ahhh at the right parts. All the while, my eyes continued to drift over to where they were standing.

Tension between them had been out of control since the other night, and I still didn't quite believe that Dean hadn't made Josh fly. Then again I'd been crying my eyes out, and trying to find a way to break them apart, so it was possible that I'd simply been seeing things. I was smart enough not to start throwing around the word 'savant' just in case. That was just another thing added to my list of worries that I didn't have time to properly sort out. I wish I could disappear for a few days, so I could calm down and finally get my head straight. At this rate i'd finish camp with empty eyes and soul.

"Now, has anyone ridden a reindeer before?" I questioned, looking at all of them attentively as if I was expecting anything other than a firm no from all of them. They were between the ages of five and ten, so I got a few dramatic eyerolls from the few kids who'd already heard the santa's not real mumbo-jumbo from their parents. I desperately tried to pull my thoughts away from the destructive path they were going down. "Oh it's so exciting!" I began, picking up a random kid from my crowd. I swung him high in the air, careful to keep a firm hold on him. "You fly super high in the air, and just as you think you couldn't possibly get any higher, the reindeer swoops down, getting oh so close to the floor before- Whooo! Right back up again." I followed my words with the little boy, sweeping him high and low as I went. Quickly, I was surrounded by kids begging me to show them what it was like.

It was easy to forget about Dean this way, but it seemed he had the same troubles as I did.

"Hey Aubrey, need a little help? You look tired." He came up beside me, looking at me with troubled eyes. I was tired, the day had been demanding, and carting around 20 odd kids was hard on the back. I wasn't about to admit that though, I wanted him to believe that I wasn't the pathetic damsel in distress Josh had called me a few nights prior.

"Just peachy." I whispered to him, my throat sore from shouting along with the group of kids that had seemed to develop a fondness for me. "Shouldn't you be with your kids?"

"I should, but they all came over here to see what the excitement was about." His words were accompanied by a wink, sending my heart beating erratically in my chest. I'd not had time to think about my feeling towards Deam either, so I tried to push it all down. I'd have to leave it to the side for now, although the new problem settled heavily in my chest.

"Oh, some help would be lovely then." What would happen if I really did like him? He couldn't like me back, I'd seen his reaction to helping me down before. While I was having trouble breathing and remembering how to speak he'd simply been worried about me faceplanting the floor. No, I couldn't think about this now. With a smile in his direction, I picked up the next girl excitedly reaching her hands out to me, not missing the pang of anxiety that filled my chest.

~O~

Soon everything was over, the kids lining up to sit on 'Santa's' lap (really just Hugh with a beard and red suit), and us left alone for at least an hour. No one wanted to chat to the elves when santa was a available. I was ready to accept that.

"God, I'm exhausted." Complained Dean from beside me. We were sat together, pressed against one of the walls, with Josh in the other corner, silently sulking. I wasn't going to lie, I'd checked for a mistletoe before sitting down - the last thing I needed was for Dean to look at me with disgust and laugh off the obligatory kiss.

"I know, my back aches really bad."

"That's what you get for pretending to be a reindeer." He teased, his tone light. In response I simply rolled my eyes, although inside of me a war was waging. Did I like him? Did I not? What was happening?

"I should've just stuck to being an elf, that was bad enough as it was."

"Eh, wasn't too bad. I loved seeing the kid's eyes light up."

"What, from seeing us looking so ugly in these costumes?" My comment made him laugh, throwing his head back against the wall. With a final chuckle, his rolled his head over to look at me, his eyes soft with something I couldn't recognise. "Cos you have to admit I look horrendous in this." I said, my voice trailing off as I saw the way he was looking at me, his eyes wide open and his mouth parted and his cheeks lightly dusted with red. He looked beautiful in that moment, for lack of a better word, and I couldn't even find it in me to finish my sentence properly.

"I beg to differ." My cheeks lit on fire, a blush spreading across my whole face. He found this hilarious again for some reason, making him flick my nose. With a grumble, I felt my face go even hotter. "Cute."

Was he… flirting? I'd never done this before. Maybe Christmas miracles could happen.

 **Hi! :)**

 **I don't have much time to talk because I'm currently in America and using up my limited mobile data, but merry Christmas to you all! This isn't the special chapter I promised you, rather a Drabble I really desperately wanted to do for the holiday season (I live off Christmas themed stories haha) so expect the *actual* special chapter next week. That will be about Aubrey's childhood, which is what most of you have asked for.**

 **I really don't have time to write up thank you's for everyone, but I hope you all have some lovely holidays, and that you get lots of amazing presents. Thank you so much for all your support, it's made my Christmas all the more special ^.^**

 **Bye bye xx**


	21. Chapter 21

Petal's POV:

I'd always believed that having a kid would be a slow and daunting process – that days would trickle by as slowly as they possibly could, and I'd soon find myself going crazy. I loved children they had pure hearts and bright smiles, and the potential inside of them to become the next… anything. But things like that also terrified me. I knew I wasn't in top condition, and my father's A+ parenting hadn't exactly reassured me that I was the best person to bring a kid into the world.

However, once I had Aubrey, everything seemed to almost blur together – days and months and years spinning into one another until I was left sitting on my porch wondering where the days had gone. The first month was painful, of course it was, full of crying (not just Aubrey), sleeping a lot more than seemed normal (again, not just Aubrey), and yet at the same time sleeping a lot less too. Whenever her cry broke through the silence at 2am my stomach made itself into knots, and even when it wasn't my turn to feed her I still found myself in her room, watching Gray, watching _her_.

I knew it was silly, but she was my baby, and if she gave even the slightest indication that she was in pain my heart went haywire. But, suddenly, just like that, she was older, and she was crawling around the house. She bumped into things, fell on her face more times a day than I was willing to count, and I was forced to calm down. If I were to almost have a heart attack every time she ran into a wall I wouldn't have made it to this day.

With a grin, I remembered all the lazy days we had during that period, full of giggling and finger-painting.

 _"Mummy, mummy look!" Aubrey lifted her hands, showing me her paint smeared hands._

 _"Mine too!" I said with a big smile, showing her mine. With a determined look on her face, she crawled over me in order to highfive me from her low vantage point. The paint was sticky when she joined our hands, and some of it even splattered, going onto our cheeks and hair. With a grimace, I pretended not to notice, because she was looking at me with the widest of grins._

 _"Art mummy, we made art!"_

 _"We sure did pumpkin." I hugged her close, not bothering with keeping my paint away from her. I could already feel her rubbing her hands on my back so I'd have to put these in the washing machine tonight anyway. I wished I'd started enjoying moments like these earlier, instead of worrying myself sick about everything. Now they were almost ending, her toddling days soon to be over, and I couldn't bear the thought of not having her running around all day whilst I worked._

 _"Mummy, why are you sad?" Aubrey was staring at me, her eyes scrunched up in concentration. She placed her hands on my cheeks, paint going everywhere again, but this time I didn't even have the concentration required to give it any heed. Her bright blue eyes held so much childish concern, meaning I just watched her with my heart swelling in my chest. Just as I was about to reply, Gray interrupted us, barging in through the door._

 _"Mummy's sad? We can't let that happen, can we Aubrey?" She shook her head determinedly, whilst I just watched them both with a mix of confusion and adoration. It was sometimes hard to even comprehend that I was in a room with both of the people I loved the most in this world, and I could have this_ every day _. "Dad to the rescue!" He picked us both up in a bear hug, Aubrey squealing in delight and screaming she couldn't breathe. All I could do was smile at them fondly, purple paint cracking on my cheeks._

 _In that moment, my heart felt like it was bigger than anything imaginable or comprehensible. This was what magic felt like._

Sighing, I wished I could have all of them back from camp already. Sure I had Gabe here, as he was much too young to go away, and Gray kept me busy by taking me on long walks through the forest, but it simply didn't feel the same. Normally the house was full of clutter and screams (of happiness usually, although we'd all discovered the hard way that Faun liked screaming her lungs out when she _thought_ she saw something move in the closet). Now it felt so empty, rooms of cleanly made beds that smelt like fabric softener and a kitchen that didn't require being cleaned 3 times a day.

I knew I should be glad, after all Gray and I were usually worked into the ground cleaning after so many little monsters, but I enjoyed what came before. The laughter as paint flew everywhere and the shrieks when food was thrown – primarily by Gabe, although Aubrey had been known to throw bread at her siblings when they got too annoying.

 _It was a hectic morning, as they usually were, the dinner table being overrun by the kids. I'd placed a plate of hashbrowns in the centre with a strict order to share, but they seemed to be doing anything but. Instead they were pulling and tugging at the dish, eventually food getting on the table. As I removed it with a sigh (I'd simply have to divide it up myself), an uproar was heard._

 _"No, mum, tell them I get more because I'm older!" Came from Ben, who was playing at his luck with that statement, considering Aubrey could easily reclaim that title. Luckily, she seemed distracted, staring down at her phone as if she was telling herself not to look up and face the mayhem. I couldn't blame her, I wished I could hide behind a phone screen too._

 _"I get more because I'm taller."_

 _"Are not!"_

 _"Am too!" And so it went, as I studiously ignored them, dishing out servings for everyone. Mostly of the same size, as there wasn't that much, but passed out bread to the older ones._

 _"Can you all be quiet!" Aubrey shouted, after a few minutes of the kids piling on top of each other to prove they were taller. Even the smaller ones, despite the obvious height difference. At that point, I knew I needed to intervene, lest my kitchen become a warzone. Again._

 _"Guys, guys, let's all calm down. You're upsetting Gabe." He was only 6 months old, and the poor thing was starting to fuss in his high chair. "Why don't we talk about our favourite colours?" My plea felt on deaf ears, even as Gabe's wail cut through their fighting. His arms started flailing, taking out the porridge I'd placed on the table and careening it over the edge. With baited breath, I watched all of them, hoping the flying food wouldn't be enough to set them off, that they'd all ignore it in their haze of being better and taller and smarter than the others._

 _Of course, this wasn't the case. It was never the case._

 _Faun screeched as porridge feel on her 'new' shoes (I'd hidden them after 6 months of disuse so I supposed it was close enough), whilst the boys started banging their fists on the table in delight at the new possibilities this entailed._

 _"Food fight! Food fight!" Soon food was flying in every direction, Aubrey and I looking at each other helplessly over the mess. After a while the chaos began to die down, getting bored of the activity as kids often do. Telling off was in order, but that passed quickly too. In half an hour the incident had been reduced to all of us scrubbing the floor and Aubrey hitting Ben lightly with the sliced bread, this being returned with an impish smile._

"Hey, Angel, are you ok?" A voice from behind me startled me out of my reverie. It was Gray, staring at me with worried eyes. I must look a mess; I'd woken up, put a blanket over my shoulders and sat on our porch, letting the chilly morning air sweep over me like the tide.

"Yeah, just feeling a bit nostalgic is all." I said in a small voice, watching as Gray sat down beside me. Noticing my shiver, he wrapped his arms around me, protecting me from the cold and all the memories that swamped me.

"Remembering too much?"

"Yeah. But it's crazy, I mean 20 years ago remembering would've meant plunging into the nightmares about my father but… now, everything's just, so beautiful?" I was crying, somewhat, but we both religiously ignored it, including the occasional sniffle. "When I think back I get images of you and me and you with the kids and us making a mess of the house and just… happiness. Pure, absolute happiness."

Maybe the years had blurred past, making Aubrey's childhood seem quick and fleeting, but I knew I'd never been as happy as I'd been during these years. The craziest part was that I'd never thought I'd be able to say that. Not simply having a few good days, but years and years of complete joy. I'd been right before, this _was_ what magic felt like.

 **Hi :)**

 **Ok so this was the special chapter I promised! I hope you guys liked it, I certainly enjoyed going back into Petal's head, although it was harder than I remembered it being haha. It's been way too long, but oh well. Did you guys see the new Sherlock episode? Oh my god. I won't put any spoilers but just... oh my god.**

 **Alright and now proper thanks to all guests, as I'm back in britain now and with a proper computer :D**

 **\+ Mystery, merry (a tad late on my part) christmas! I hope you had some great holidays, and thank you for your review :)**

 **\+ Llamacorn, I know, I've been wanting to go to america for aaages so I was really happy :D We went to disney yeah, so no snow there, it was like summer, which was brilliant ^.^ Thanks so much for your review!**

 **\+ Guest number 1, I'm sorry about that, my writing style tends to be a bit slow. I promise to ramp up the plot a bit in a few chapter's time, but until then I hope you can bear with me. Thank you for your review :)**

 **\+ Guest 2, thank you! I'm glad you thought so :)**

 **\+ Centa, ikr, Dean's flirting was so much fun to write. It was kind of a shame I didn't get to write more of it up for this chapter haha. I hope you enjoyed your holidays too, happy new year! (I love christmas specials, so I feel you. It's such a shame that the christmas feeling's over now ;-; )**

 **And that's it for now :) Although I should mention that between christmas and my exam week, which is starting next week, I haven't had time to write any chapters ahead of time - which I usually do have in case I don't have time - so next week's chapter might be a bit late. Sorry xx**

 **Bye bye!**


	22. Chapter 22

Aubrey's POV:

I woke up that morning much like I always did - in a cold sweat, with fear permeating my every thought. This time, however, it was different. The cold never left me, even as I covered myself with a multitude of blankets and begged my heart to reduce its accelerated pace. It was as though my anxiety had spread from my mind to the rest of my body, making me shiver in the middle of summer.

As I went through my day, it was apparent it wasn't going to go away. In fact, it became even worse. With every look from Josh, every angry glare between him and Grace, every time Dean's fear washed over me. Lately my power had spun out of control, meaning I couldn't filter the amount of anxiety I perceived, so Dean was an epicentre of added stress.

This wasn't the first time this had happened. I should've noticed everything before, really. Whenever my anxiety got really, truly bad, this sequence of events began unfolding. It had only happened once before, and it had been the worst month of my life. I got cold, so cold that nothing could ever keep it at bay. I tried blankets and baths and swathing myself in winter coats, but nothing did the trick. My showers became ones of scalding water, if only to feel some warmth against my skin, and my self-harming got worse so that I could _feel_ for once. At the same time, I constantly felt as if I was feeling too much, thoughts tormenting me at every turn. The voice in my head that called me pathetic turned angry and full of turmoil, making every second a living hell.

This wasn't the worst I'd ever been, I tried to console myself, even as I knew I was spiralling back into that deep, dark hell. I still remembered the night I considered the most painful, when I'd woken at 3am unable to sleep, cold cold cold. Everything had felt frigid, and my breaths were coming in short gasps, and I felt dizzy and sick and bad, oh so bad. The next morning, mum had found me lying against the radiator in the kitchen, three blankets over me and a cup of boiling water clutched between my fingers.

There hadn't even been tea or coffee in the mug, I'd just boiled water in the kettle every 10 minutes to be able to have something warm next to my heart. I'd had to lie to her, told her I was ill and felt feverish. That technique didn't work this time round however, as Dean was far too perceptive for his own good. The second I woke up, started feeling bad, his eyes were pinned to me, as if already knowing there was something going awry.

Which was ridiculous, considering things had been going wrong for two weeks now, and Dean was very aware of all of that. So how did my slow decline into insanity trigger some new worry? Maybe we were all falling prey to the pain together, and his way of doing this was worrying about others. If that was the case, I didn't want him anywhere near me - he had enough problems of his own, if his mental turmoil was anything to go by, and I couldn't simply pull all his attention to me.

So I pulled further away from him, and the more I did, the colder I got.

"Alright guys, so today we're going to do a scavenger hunt. Who's up to that?" Asked Dean from the front of the group, a very forced smile on his lips. Slowly, but surely, his lying abilities had gone out the window. Or perhaps I'd gotten better at telling that he wasn't as happy as he wanted us all to believe. The kids hadn't noticed a thing, of course. They were too happy being away on summer camp.

"Me! Me!" They all shouted excitedly, bouncing around and high-fiving each other. All the while, I stood off to the side, head lowered and not even bothering to pretend I was ok. There was a stiff smile on my face, as if my face had gotten frozen in the unnatural position and there was no way to reveal what I truly felt. Luckily, all of the kids' attention was on Dean's (much more impressive) act, so I got spared for the time being.

"You know-" Josh appeared beside me, venomous words on his tongue, I was sure. Yet before he could spit them out at me, Dean's head snapped in our direction, a death glare directed straight at Josh. Without another word, he backed off, sitting on the grass a few metres away from me. I knew it was pathetic to need Dean to fight all my battles, but that's because I _was_. Truly pathetic. I didn't need Josh to tell me that to know it.

I was about to go down another self-destructive train of thought which would surely lead to me locking myself in our cabin's bathroom, when Dean came up to me. The kids were occupied, now having gotten their maps, so he and I were free to stand off to one side without getting bombarded by their questions. I didn't know whether this was a good thing or not. He didn't say anything to me, simply staring at me with too much intensity in his eyes, as though he could see right through me. At the same time, I searched for something in his eyes which would tell me how he felt - if he actually had time to worry about me or if he'd simply latched onto the thought of me to avoid facing his own problems. I knew all about doing that, having done it thousands of times myself.

"Aubrey, will you help us find the first treasure?" Came Lisa's voice from beside me, a hopeful smile on her face. I went to reply that we weren't allowed to give any teams advantages, when Dean cut in, a map in his hands.

"Actually, Aubrey and I are going to work on our own one. You wouldn't want to lose to us, would you?" He asked, a wicked smile on his face. I was tempted to ask when the hell we'd decided we were going scavenger hunting with a bunch of 8 year olds, but in the end simply kept my mouth shut. He probably knew what he was doing.

"Nuh-uh." A look of determination covered their faces, and soon they were running off, screams of which direction to go rising in the air.

"What did you do that for? Now we need to look for clues." I wondered out loud, looking down at the map in Dean's hands. Truth be told, I'd wanted to go back to the cabin and hide under my duvet in chase of heat.

"Oh come on, it'll be fine." Without any other argument in his defense, he started walking towards the forest, me feeling the need to follow him for some odd reason. Mum would've loved this camp, surrounded by greenery and a plethora of animals that I was too clueless about to appreciate. Unfortunately, I hadn't inherited her love for this kind of thing, and after ten minutes of trudging through the foliage I was already getting tired.

"Are you sure we're going in the right direction?" I didn't know if what I was feeling was anxiety or exhaustion at how long these couple of weeks had been, but the ugly mix of the two made me feel sick to my stomach. A shiver coursed through me, despite there being sun rays skirting through the trees to warm up our skin. I felt as though I was covered in a sheen of fear that wouldn't let them in.

"Yeah. I think. Don't worry about it." His words weren't exactly comforting, making me scratch my arms as subtly as I could manage.

"I can't help but worry."

"I know." Slowly, maybe so as to not startle me, his hand wrapped around my own, pulling it away from where I'd started scratching. I let him, god knows why. And when he didn't let go of my hand afterwards, well, I let him do that too. With a smile in my direction, he tugged me the way we'd been going previously, his steps lighter and happier. I couldn't help but let a small smile slip on my own features. His hands was warm. I felt like I was in a large esplanade, sun on my face and flowers around me, a feeling of peace and tranquility and _warmth_ overtaking me.

I maybe wouldn't go as far as calling this happiness, but it certainly was as close as I'd gotten since we started camp.

Dean's POV:

I didn't know what had come over me to make me hold Aubrey's hand, yet the second I did, I couldn't conceive why I hadn't done it before. Her hand was small in mine, and her touch sent heat coursing through me, to the point where I was sure I was blushing. Even now, a few hours later, when the hunt had already ended, I still felt like Aubrey had solved all my problems with a single touch. I was, dare I say, _happy_. This past year I'd been happy before, of course. When I did particularly well on a video game or watched a funny video on youtube or finally talked to my dad about what was happening. But never had it been like this.

This felt the happiness was bubbling up inside of me, filling me with so much energy that I could dance. And the simple thought that Aubrey hadn't let go was enough to make me feel tall enough that I could simply reach up and skim the sun with my fingertips.

It was silly to be this full of energy this late at night, as it meant all I could do was stare up at the ceiling with excitement coursing through my body, but that was alright. I'd experienced much too many sleepless nights because of the pain inside me - I appreciated one because of joy instead.

"Um, Dean?" Aubrey's soft whisper broke me out of my stupor, as I glanced in her direction. The light from the moon filtered through the window, lighting up her half of the room in stark monochrome. I could see her nose and her wide eyes and her legs as she slowly stood up. I knew I should reply, but all I could do was watch her, that same feeling bubbling in my stomach. What was happening to me? "Are you awake?" Realising she couldn't see me, I finally spoke up.

"Yeah. What's up?" She was sat on her bed, one of my long-sleeved t-shirts shrouding her form. I couldn't remember when I'd given that to her, maybe when she'd come crying to me? Maybe when she fell in the pool? Now that I thought about it, I'd been perhaps giving her too much of my clothing for it to still be considered normal friend category. I should be more upset about that than I was.

"I can't sleep."

"Me neither."

"Can I… come over?" The question was tentative, she was obviously afraid of asking, and all I could do was nod.

"Yeah, yeah, jump in." God, I sounded like such a dork. It was hard to get words past my mouth though, when my heart was beating so loudly in my chest that my pulse thundered in my ears. She'd climbed into my bed before, but she'd been crying then, and it'd been required of me to offer comfort. It hadn't been like this.

"What do you do when you can't sleep?"

"I count, normally, or sing a song in my head."

"Oh, I do that too! I also make up stories, that calms me down a lot." Neither of us mentioned the fact that she shouldn't need calming down from anything.

"That sounds like fun. We could make one up now, each saying one word."

"Alright." I could tell from her tone that she was already growing tired, so I savoured what I knew would be the last minutes of conversation.

"I." I began, apparently not being able to think of anything more creative in the dead of night.

"Went."

"To."

"Help." Of course that would be her choice.

"Someone."

"Who."

"Needed."

"A."

"Ton."

"Of." Seeing my opportunity after her choice of words, I jumped in.

"Dicks."

"Dean!" She laughed, slapping my arm lightly.

"Aubrey!" I mocked, earning me another teasing hit. With laughter filling the air and my chest feeling light, I hugged her to me, not noticing what I'd done until it was perhaps too late. Knowing that any conversation I got out from that point onwards would be full of stuttering and me being a general dork, I chose my next words carefully. "Good night Aubrey."

"Night Dean." She sighed, the noise full of contented happiness, and I finally let myself relax against her.

 **Hi :)**

 **Super long chapter today :D I finally sat down and wrote (mostly to procrastinate from revision but shhh), so you get an angsty/fluffy chapter. It was a ton of fun to write, and I've set it up for what has to happen next chapter, which will be some super important shit. I'm still not sure how I'm gonna execute it, but be prepared for that :D**

 **Anyhows, guest review time!**

 **\+ Llamacorn, ikr, little Aubrey was a ton of fun to write too, I just love little kids, they're too cute. Thanks for your review, and for the good luck :)**

 **\+ Centa, oh my gosh I love Sherlock! I just get really impatient with how long it takes them to make new content haha. And yeah, I really missed Petal and Grey, so I might bring them back at some point, although that would mean pulling Aubrey out of summer camp, which I still haven't decided how I'm gonna do, so it's all up in the air atm haha. Ikr, October to Decemeber is just so great and then January comes, it's so depressing. Thank you! And I hope you did well :D**

 **\+ Mystery, thank you!**

 **That's all for today, see you guys next week :)**

 **Trish xx**


	23. Chapter 23

Aubrey's POV:

Slowly, my eyes opened, blinding white light contrasting to the numbing darkness I'd been privy to before. I hadn't had such a good night sleep in what felt like years. Slowly, my hand rose to rub the sleep out of my eyes, and as I opened them again – my vision much clearer this time – I noticed… Dean.

I guess a part of me had forgotten that I'd fallen asleep beside him. So, when I saw him, he took my breath away. He looked so peaceful in his sleep, like his demons couldn't chase him in the realm of dreams, and the light from the window behind him shone over his head like a halo, illuminating his very being. I knew it was silly, but in that moment, I felt happy to be alive, simply to be able to presence Dean being himself. He always felt like something akin to sunshine to me, but in this moment it was like he'd surpassed that, become it not only in appearance but in my feelings towards him too.

We were entering dangerous territory – especially considering he'd never confirmed liking me back – but then and there, in that tiny cabin and with only a breadth of air between us, I felt like I could love this boy.

"Boo." He whispered, opening his eyes at the same time. The small action took me by complete surprise (or maybe I was just embarrassed to be caught staring), making me screech and tumble off the side of the bed.

"What did you do that for?" I whisper-yelled at him, afraid Josh might wake up and start screaming at us.

"Sorry, I didn't mean for you to fall off the bed." He replied quickly, an impish smile on his face. "Are you ok?"

"Yeah, I was just surprised." With another smile, he offered me a hand up, one that I gladly took. I thought he'd simply help me get on my feet so that we could both start getting ready, but instead he pulled me onto the bed. Immediately, his arms wrapped around me, making a home for me in his chest. I knew I should be less receptive to this, but without me even noticing, I melted into his arms. This way, I could pretend I never had to leave the comfort of his embrace. Or that he actually liked me back. Or that everything would be ok.

"Aubrey, do you ever think about us?"

Before I could answer, or even think about what the hell he meant, a wave of concern washed through me. I'd had my power for enough time to recognise it as a separate emotion to my own. However, concern wasn't one I was usually perceptive enough to feel. My shields were tight enough to not let anything weaker than full on fear get past them. With a frown, I did a quick scan, expecting to find a hole in my shields or something of the like. Instead, what I discovered left me in a catatonic state.

It was a connection, between Dean and I, a sort of portal between our minds that joined our emotions together no matter how much I tried to pull it apart. Had I done that? I needed to talk to my mum, or a savant that had a similar power to mine. Somehow I'd formed a bond between us, without even meaning to. Perhaps in my sleep. Oh god, I shouldn't have gone to him at night, this was all so bad. I hadn't know this would happen, had no way of knowing this _could_ happen at all. I'd never heard of people forming bonds with others. How the hell was I going to explain this to Dean?

However, when I looked back up to him, I noticed he was staring at me in shock too. I didn't know if that meant he could feel it too. I certainly hoped not, that would be even harder to explain. 'Hey Dean, I have superpowers and it's all a massive mess and I somehow managed to transpose them onto you, haha?' I couldn't do this, I needed to get my phone.

"Dean, I-uh-uh sorry." With that, I ran towards my bag, grabbed it, and ran out the door, all the while hoping and praying my phone would be in its contents.

Dean's POV:

I watched her run out of the door, tempted to tell her that she wasn't wearing anything apart from one of my long shirts, but then I decided I needed time to sort out this mess in my head first. I'd somehow managed to make a bond between Aubrey and I, god knows how.

I couldn't even call home and ask, because dad was probably locked in his room right now, phone turned off and hiding away from the world. His mind was chaotic at the best of times, and I couldn't exactly blame him, so that left me stranded and alone. After he'd seen his soulfinder die in front of him, his mind had blanched, leaving him in a constant state of unresponsiveness. I'd gotten used to it during this year, but that didn't mean I didn't feel desperate for my parents in times like these.

Mum would know what was happening, she had the same power as me, and she was always three steps ahead of any question I needed to ask her. I was so lonely in that moment, that any thought of Aubrey disappeared from my mind, being replaced by an overwhelming despair. I came to this camp to forget all about my useless dad and dead mum and pitying friends, and here I was, remembering all of them, ahead of time because of a simple problem that I could easily ignore.

Before I could go further down that train of thought, the door slammed open, waking Josh up in the progress.

"What the f-" He began, as Aubrey marched in, taking my hand.

"We're going on a walk. Josh, you're in charge of the kids today." I'd never seen her like this, stunning me into silence as I did the only thing I could, following the tug of her hand. Josh apparently had been surprised too, as he let us walk out with nothing more than a 'hmph' and him crossing his arms. I was sure we'd get hell for it tonight.

"Aubrey? What's up?" Did she feel my emotions too? Could she feel the wave of despair that overtook me? But she couldn't, only a savant would be able to detect emotions like that, or recognise that they came from somewhere outside of their own emotions. And I was 90% sure she wasn't savant, after all she'd seen me use my telekinesis and she hadn't said anything, instead letting me lie to her. If she were a savant she'd surely have confronted me about it when I made Josh fly.

"I- you're sad. Are you ok?" So she could feel my emotions, she must do. Did that mean she was somehow advanced as a human being or something? Maybe she had savant genes in her. God, I was giving myself a headache.

"Yeah, I just- how did you know I was sad?" I didn't know what to think anymore, I just had to openly ask her and hope for the best. This was all messed up, how had this only happened in half an hour? And to think it had started with the best morning of my life, waking up next to Aubrey and feel warm and happy and complete.

"A, um, a special skill of mine?" Through our connection, I felt her fear chill me to the bone, cluing me in on the fact that perhaps she knew what was going on more than I did. This again left me feeling like she must be a savant, even though everything that had happened up to this point had told me otherwise.

"Right. Look, this may seem crazy, but something happened to us." Ok, if she said anything now then she could confirm or deny my thoughts, in this very instant. I, somehow, without me even realising, found myself hoping she'd tell me she was a savant. All I wanted was someone to talk about this with. Why didn't I have anyone? I felt so alone.

"I know, it- it's in my head." Damn it, she wasn't asserting anything, obviously choosing her words carefully so as to not reveal anything more than what I had. I just wanted her to say it, 'I'm a savant'. I just wanted her to fill the void in my life. I just wanted _her_.

She must've felt everything roaring in my head, because suddenly I found myself with her in my arms. I couldn't do anything to separate myself from her – wouldn't have wanted to even if I could. She clung to me fiercely, as if afraid that I'd let go. As if any part of me would want her to do that.

"It's gonna be ok. I don't know what's happening but everything will be fine Dean." I didn't know what was happening either, but in that instant I felt like everything made sense. She was here, right here, and nothing else mattered.

She still hadn't said whether she was a savant, not done anything to convince me one way or the other. She still hadn't said whether she liked me in the way I liked her – with all my dying, rotting heart. I still had a void in my life and my heart and there was a pain in my chest that was irreparable. But none of that mattered. With a contented sigh, I slowly sat us down on the grass, resting my back against a tree. Her face nestled against my neck, whilst I slowly let my head fall against hers. Without really meaning to I kissed the top of her head. I was… happy.

 **Hi :)**

 **Important stuff! :D I hope you guys liked it, and don't worry, the bond thing will be explained in later chapters. Although right now you guys have a better idea of what it is than them haha. I just couldn't come up with a way for them to find out they were soulfinders, and I thought this would be cute. I mean so far it's a mental breakdown, cos obviously that's what they're like, but dw it'll get better :D**

 **Guest review thank you time!**

 **\+ Llamacorn, I hope this was a good replacement for revision ;) I know it was a good one for my revision haha. It does suck egg, but hopefully we'll get through it eventually. I haven't found a job yet, no, but I'm sending out more CVs so hopefully soon :) Thanks for your review!**

 **\+ Mystery, thank you so much!**

 **\+ Guest, they're very close now, pinky promise :) Thanks for your review :D**

 **\+ Centa, ikr, fluffy Dean and Aubrey is just my favourite to write. It's just a shame they're both so sad. But luckily we've gotten past the worst part of them not trusting each other haha. And oh my gosh I know, I can't wait for the sherlock finale tonight. Tbh I posted this just to entertain myself while waiting cos I thought it came out at 8 haha. I'm glad you did well, hopefully I did too :) Thanks for your review!**

 **Alrighty, that's all. Have a lovely week :)**

 **Bye bye xx**


	24. Chapter 24

Aubrey's POV:

"Hey Aubrey?" Dean whispered, as his hand slowly made its way through my hair. The action felt so comforting, so lovely, that I was afraid to break the magic by speaking. Maybe once I did he'd realise what he was doing and pull away from me, stating very clearly that he didn't see me in that way. And despite all the pain I'd had to live through, I felt like that might just be the biggest of them all.

"Yeah?" I felt warm here in his arms, like I'd never felt the cold on my skin. Where before there'd been frost and frozen fingers and ice shards in my heart, there were now flowers. Beautiful petals bloomed wherever he touched, lighting me up from the inside out. In my chest, which I'd previously thought to be full of barbed wire and pain, a beautiful rose grew, replacing all the hurt. I wish we never had to move.

"What's happening to us?" He asked. I could feel his heartbeat slowly accelerating, so I played with the buttons of his shirt, hoping the action would be enough to calm him down. Somehow, it only made his heart beat faster.

"I don't know. I don't know how we'd find out either." Maybe he would, if he were savant, but that question was still up in the air. How I was I supposed to slide that casually into a conversation without breaking twenty-seven savant rules?

"This has never happened to anyone in your family?"

"No, not anyone I know of anyway." That wasn't a complete lie. I knew people who had savant abilities, but no one could read other's emotions in the particular fashion I could. Grandma Sky could see auras, but she didn't feel people's emotions like I did - in my chest and in my head and inescapably _there_.

"M-my mum might've." I could tell he was hesitating with his words, trying not to give too much away, and I decided I was sick of this stupid game. I felt like we were both tiptoeing around telling each other when we both already knew. The problem was that if that _wasn't_ the case I'd get lynched when I got home. Or possibly get called crazy by Dean. I didn't know which was worse.

"Could you ask her about it?" All I got in response was a firm shake of his head, so I let the question drop, continuing to fiddle with the buttons of his shirt. It was surprisingly therapeutic, and much less destructive than scratching at my scars. After a few minutes of silence, he seemed to be finally prepared to reply.

"She… She died last year." Immediately, I sat up, my eyes widening in surprise. _This_ was why he was so hurt, why his smile didn't quite know how to be happy, why his fingers were always moving and never idle.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry Dean."

"It's ok." I could tell that it was anything but ok. I could tell it was hard and vicious and rotten. It had destroyed him, ripping him up from the inside out, but kept him just alive enough to be a dead man walking. His pain flooded our bond, filling my head with the emotions I could always see painted on his face.

I put my hands over my ears, struggling to do anything else to keep it out. It was so horrible, there was pain everywhere, my head feeling like it was going to explode simply from having too much of it. And the worst part was that I knew Dean was feeling the same thing. Clutching my forehead, a moan escaped my lips, without me meaning to. I didn't want him to worry about me, he had enough problems of his own. That much had become apparent.

"Aubrey? Oh god I'm so sorry. I don't know how to make it stop." He was panicking around me, frantically checking over me as if he'd be able to find a way to stop the flow of emotions. However, this meant that his sorrow was replaced by fear, an emotion I was much more able to handle. Carefully, I wove a box around it, slamming it shut with a satisfying click. There was still more pouring out of our bond, but it was enough for me to manage. I knew all about dealing with stress.

"I'm ok. I'm ok." I took in a gasping breath, my mind finally quiet enough to be able to focus on my surroundings. Dean was kneeled in front of me, his hands holding my face as though afraid I would fly away.

"You're not ok."

"Neither are you."

For the first time, I felt free.

"And- And maybe that's ok Dean." I put my hands over his, leaning into his touch on my cheeks. I'd never been able to say or think this honestly - that it was ok to not be ok. Because I always carried so much guilt with me, dragging it behind me to the point where I was barely walking at all, just struggling to move my load a single inch.

"Yeah. Maybe it is." He stared at me with so much intensity in that instant, like I'd be able to search for thousands of years and never escape his gaze. I wouldn't want to. My immediate instinct was to look away quickly, not letting me enjoy the eye contact in case it revealed more than I was willing to, but my whole being had already let him in. Trusting was a dangerous thing. But I pulled my eyes back up to meet his.

"Dean?"

"Shh."

"I don't know what we're doing." We were just looking at each other, but he know what I meant. That this was a little more than just a staring contest.

"Me neither." And with that, he leaned forward, kissing me softly.

Josh's POV:

Those two assholes had disappeared in the morning, and had still not shown up. I thought maybe lunch would be enough to lure them out, but I knew Aubrey kept a tub of peanut butter in the room, so maybe they were conforming themselves with that. I knew I should let them be, to sort out all their problems, but I couldn't help but be furious with them.

So what if Dean's smile was breaking? So what if Aubrey cut herself at night when she thought no one could see? They acted like they were the only ones in the world who had it tough.

To make matters worse, Grace came over to me during lunch, a frown on her face. I wasn't in the mood to hear her whining about how the world was so cruel to her. We were all fucked up, why couldn't they see that?

"Hey Josh." She leaned on my shoulder, and I let myself believe for a second that this was the only thing she wanted from me. A comforting touch and someone to be talk to her about the funny things her kids had done during the day. Instead of needing me to listen to her ranting about everything under the earth, while she hid her tears in my shirt. I wanted her to just sit there, smiling because _I_ was beside her. She was probably just thinking that I was the only person that let her get away with this shit.

"Hey, you ok?"

"Yup." Her voice was quiet and fraying at the edges, but I kept quiet. Sure, I felt protective over her, and longed to remove what had caused it to be like that, but that's not what she wanted. All she wanted were reasons to be upset, and if I took this one again it would only be a matter of time before she found another reason. All humans were like this. "You?"

"I'm alright." Both of us were lying, but neither of us willing to ask the other why.

"Our friendship's weird." She commented, the words muffled by my shirt, as she obviously tried to hide them within. With a small smile, I wrapped an arm around her, not being able to help myself. Despite all the cynicism and pain in my head, I couldn't help but care for her more than I should.

"Tell me about it."

"Isn't it funny? How you ask 'are you ok' and I say 'I'm ok' and you say the same, and we both know we're lying, but we just smile and walk away?" I simply shrugged, being used to this kind of thing. Her hurt was obviously a lot more recent, a newly discovered emotion.

"I guess. Doesn't everyone do that? I don't think I've ever gotten a different kind of response when I ask people how they are. They're always fine and not too bad and ok and alright. No one's ever sad, how crazy is that?"

"Maybe the world's happier than we thought."

"Or maybe everyone's hurting a lot more than we know." Not liking where this conversation was going, I stood up, offering her a hand up. "Should we go find Aubrey and Dean? I feel like we should give them something to eat." I'd been wanting to say sorry to Aubrey for quite a while, and this seemed like a good enough peace offering. It was just hard, to stop being mean once I'd gotten into the motions of it. It was all I knew how to do - thinking mean thoughts and doing mean things as if my actions didn't have consequences.

"Yeah, alright."

We found them quite quickly, curled up together next to the base of a tree. I didn't know how to even announce my presence, this seemed way too intimate to be presenced by someone like me, who barely understood love as a concept. Luckily, Grace had more affinity for this kind of thing.

"Aww, you guys are so cute!" Her words startled them, as they pulled apart quickly. They hadn't been doing much, so I didn't know why Aubrey looked so embarrassed, but I guessed that was more the surprise. "Are you together?" This question brought a whole new wave of mortification from Aubrey, who blushed brightly under Grace's scrutiny.

"I- uh-" She began, stuttering out the sentence. I didn't know why she even tried, Dean would have to interject and translate her jumble of words anyway.

"Yeah." He said, as casually as he could probably manage. She looked back at him, moving so quickly that her hair fanned out behind her. Her cheeks glew brighter, despite me not thinking that possible only seconds before. Not wanting to have to deal with them discussing the details of their relationship however, I stepped in, placing a tray of food in front of them.

"Fair enough. We brought you food, thought you might be hungry."

"Oh, thanks man." Dean was the only one to reply, Aubrey obviously still too muddled to get anything out. Which was a shame, as I was hoping this would be enough for to take a hint that I was trying to say sorry. I was having no luck today though. Not wanting to have to clearly say it out, I sat down in front of them, Grace copying me quickly. They both looked surprised at seeing us here, even more so when it dawned on them that we'd all been pretty angry at each other these past weeks. I was sick of fighting though, sick of demeaning Aubrey and attacking Dean's relationship with her and humiliating Grace for being human. "I thought you'd give us shit for leaving you with the kids." He spoke up after a while, taking a bite of a tuna mayo sandwich. Aubrey was simply picking at her food.

"I've left you with them plenty of times, I deserved it." I lifted on shoulder in a half shrug, finding it hard to keep eye contact. I'd never particularly liked saying sorry, and I was sure he would make me grovel. Aubrey would too, if she weren't so afraid to hurt a single fly.

"That's good, we've fought enough this past couple of weeks."

"Yeah." I started ripping up grass blades, afraid to look up. I didn't know whether he was calling a truce or nudging me into talking more and giving a proper apology. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to get that far."

"It's alright, sometimes things get out of hand." He seemed prepared to forgive me, but she was still deadly silent. "Aubrey, you ok?" He asked in her ear, almost inaudibly. Grace and I pretended not to hear anything.

"Yeah." She said lowly, before finally looking up at me. "Yeah, it's ok."

"I was a massive asshole."

"So was I." Dean said, shrugging. "But she wasn't, so you better give her a proper apology."

"I will, I will." Shaking grass out of my hands, I stood up, not being able to stand this anymore. "To begin with, I do believe I owe you taking over your plate washing duty for the night?" Her eyebrows raised, as her hands slowly found her way to her arms, imperceptively trying to scratch them. Without even looking down, Dean took her hands, holding them in his own to stop her. It was obvious she thought this was a trick of mine. "Is that alright?"

"Y-yeah, thank you." Her words were merely a whisper, but it was enough for me, as I practically flew out of the meadow, Grace hot on my heels.

"You did well." She said, not waiting for me to stop to start up a conversation.

"I don't wanna talk about it."

"That's ok." With that, she took my hand, as we both sprinted through the forest. I was trying to burn off all the adrenaline I'd gotten in my system, my heartbeat so loud I could hear it in my ears.

After a while, when I couldn't run anymore, I collapsed against my knees, Grace catching up with me only moments later. She made me sit down with her, but she didn't make me speak, simply sitting against a tree in front of me with a slight frown on her face.

"I don't like running." Her words felt silly after all of that, so I let out a loud guffaw of laughter, pulling on her hand so she was lying against me.

"Same here."

"I don't like seeing you hurt either." For all I'd judged her, calling her selfish and only concerned with her own hurt, I'd failed to realise that maybe she cared about me as much as I did her.

 **Hi! :)**

 **Ok, so I** ** _may_** **have gotten a bit carried away with the length of this chapter, but once I started I just couldn't stop haha. But they kissed! I'm v excited, even tho I made it happen xD Also the thing with Josh is starting to sort itself out, so this was mostly just a light, fluffy chapter**

 **Review thank you time!**

 **\+ Mystery, thank you so much! :)**

 **\+ Llamacorn, I am honoured :D And I granted your wish ;) I'm glad you liked it, thanks for your review!**

 **\+ Centa, I know all about breaking things whilst celebrating haha. And ikr, I'm just enjoying writing it so much, especially the kiss :) (cos I have a problem with shipping people, let's be honest xD ). Oh wow, that's really unlucky, I hope you get to see it soon, it was amazing, not even kidding. I'm so glad! Thanks for reviewing ^.^**

 **\+ To the two guests, here's the update! Hope you enjoyed it :D**

 **Thanks so much for all your reviews, I got tons for last chapter which makes me ridiculously happy :D**

 **Bye bye xx**


	25. Chapter 25

Dean's POV:

I didn't know what was happening, but, honestly? I didn't care. Being able to hold Aubrey's hand and kiss her whenever I wanted made all the confusion worth it. And, sure, if she wasn't a savant this could all be really wrong, and if she wasn't my soulfinder I could be causing something disastrous, but I couldn't force myself to do anything about it.

Even if Aubrey wasn't my soulfinder, she felt close enough that she could be, understanding me like no one else did. So who cared if she didn't end up being the one? Right now, she was, and later didn't matter. My mum's death had taught me as much. I hadn't said I love you before she went, I hadn't fully appreciated her, had gotten into arguments with her and anything of that accord. I wouldn't make the same mistake with Aubrey. If I cared for her then, damn it, why shouldn't I?

A lot of things in life felt like a race, a desperate attempt to get from point A to point B. You struggle with all your might, you go through all the pain in the world, and when you're just crossing the finish line, everything seems worth it. But then you realise that it wasn't the end, that there never _is_ an end. You get another finish line pressed in front of you, life pushes you on and tells you to run. Yet there comes a point when you're just _tired_. Of running, of struggling, of reaching inane goals, of living.

But kissing Aubrey was nothing like that. It was just warm and nice and felt like coming home. Her hand clutched at my shirt and my arms wrapped around her waist, and there was nothing else but here and now. No finish line, no ultimate goal, just two people who'd felt cold for too long and had found happiness within each other.

I wasn't with her now though, as she'd insisted she didn't want to have dinner and had crawled back into the cabin. I was staring at my mac and cheese, stirring it through with my plastic fork, and wishing I could kiss her in that very moment. I just felt so lonely, like there was a string attached to my heart which was tied to her, and now it was pulling and pulling at my chest, begging me to go with her.

"Dean, are you planning on marrying your mac and cheese?" Grace's words cut through my mental ramblings, making me look up, surprised.

"Huh?" I noticed her and Josh holding back laughter, so I scrunched up my eyes, afraid of what she'd said. "What did you say?"

"Oh, nothing." I highly doubted that, but in that moment my mind was too preoccupied to worry about what she'd said. After a while of hearing them whispering to each other, and silent giggles, accompanied only by the sound of my fork scraping against the styrofoam plate, I pushed it away. I couldn't stand this.

It was like our bond was shouting at me, telling me to go towards her because it was unnatural to be anywhere but. And, sure, it was clingy as hell, and probably unhealthy, but these weren't normal circumstances. Normal people don't form emotional bonds with others either.

"Dean?" Grace spoke up again, this time looking concerned. I clutched at my forehead, trying to drive it all out. The bond was crazy, absolutely insane, because even though I knew she was just resting, I needed to go check she was ok. A trickle of sadness flew through the bond, and that was all I needed before I stood up in one fluid movement, my chair scraping hard against the floor.

"I… I need to go." Taking my plate, I dumped it into the nearest bin, taking satisfaction from the fact that it was finally gone from my sight. I just needed to make sure, that was all, and distress had begun flooding through now.

Aubrey's POV:

That night found me like many others, sitting on my bed trying not to think. Not just trying, but desperately pushing at any thoughts with all my might, to the point where there were tears rolling down my face, but still not a single thought materialised in my head. Thinking hurt, oh so badly, and I'd been so happy this past day. Why had I not gone to have dinner? Maybe that would've provided a good distraction.

It was hard though, to have a day as monumental as today and not be able to have a few moments to myself to sort everything out in my head. Especially when Dean and I hadn't talked about the fact that we had kissed. I didn't know what to think. At the same time, I was doing too much of it.

I liked it, of course I did, a lot more than I probably should. And it confirmed that Dean liked me back, which was already too big to comprehend. The boy that could light up the room, that could with one smile paint the walls yellow and make the sun shine brighter, that held a sea of sorrow inside him yet still moved forward each day - he liked me. He was everything light and I was everything dark, dull and plain and the night sky without any stars. I didn't understand, couldn't even begin to, but that wasn't the biggest of my issues.

What _was_ however, was that I wasn't ready for this. Whatever _this_ was. I could barely convince myself some mornings that I was ok, how would I be able to convince Dean every single day, every single hour? Hell, one kiss was making me break down. This just proved how much of a wreck I was - this was supposed to be a good thing, but as always I was pulling it apart until only the bad remained.

Thinking was hard. So I started counting instead. I counted the number of floorboards and I counted the number of scratches on each wall. I counted my fingers over and over again, as if I would get a different answer from ten. When I got bored of that, I started simply counting up, and whenever my mind threatened to swing back to the problem of Dean, I blanked everything apart from the numbers.

One, two, three, it went, and then his dimple haunted me, so I kept going, shouting the numbers in my mind, and saying them as quickly as I could, so there'd be no space for anything else. Fourfivesixseveneight - his bright blue eyes - nineteneleventwelevethirteen - how much I cared for him, and how angry I was that my anxiety would most likely ruin it. No, not my anxiety, _me_. _I_ would ruin it, like I ruined everything else. Not wanting to keep thinking, I covered my ears, actually speaking now.

"Fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen-" My breath came out choked, tears streaming down my face. Because how was I this much of a fuck up? Dean was probably having fun with Grace and Josh, laughing along to their dumb jokes, and mentally celebrating that something had come of our friendship. And here I was, buried under piles and piles of blankets, counting to forget how to think. I'd gotten kissed today, why couldn't I just focus on that? On how nice his lips felt on mine, how his hands ran through my hair or held my hips or _anything_. Anything besides this horrible pressure in my head.

Whilst he was with me it was easy to forget about the world, and the constant whirlwind of emotions that ran through my head, but, now? It was oh so easy to get lost within them. There was still the problem of Dean possibly not being a savant, and me having a soulfinder out there, and so many more questions that were too complicated to put into words.

I needed him to drive all the painful thoughts away.

And then the door slammed open, halting at once all of my deliberation and overthinking.

"Aubrey, I-uh- I felt you being sad." I could see him feeling foolish, as he panted and held onto the doorframe. His mortification filled my mind, but I shook it off, the emotion not being strong enough to take hold. This bond must be stronger than I thought, if it gave him the feeling that I needed him. I didn't want to be clingy, but I couldn't help but feel happy that he'd come.

"No no, I'm ok. You should go back to having dinner." I tried wiping my tears as subtly as I could manage, but I could never hide anything from him. I wanted him to stay so badly. And then he came closer, cradling my face in his soft hands, and I couldn't remember a single reason why this wasn't absolutely perfect.

"It's alright. Come on, let's get ready for bed." He dragged me out of my cocoon of blankets, handing me one of his shirts and then turning away from me. I took that moment to compose myself, taking a deep, steadying breath. I didn't want Dean seeing that I was affected by things as miniscule as this. Whilst he was still turned around, he spoke up. "Aubrey, are you… Are you ok?"

"I'm fine Dean." I spoke carefully, pulling his shirt over my head. It was big on me, like all of his were, and I wanted this to never end. This small, slight instant, where all I was doing was putting one of his shirts on and nothing else, the moment filled with a gentleness and love to it. I wanted the pain and the anxiety to come to a halt, I wished I were strong enough to push it all away. And yet, his simple presence was already enough to calm me down, my tears having dried. It was like without even speaking to me, he could drive all the worries away.

"Ok. You done?" It was easy to tell from his tone that he didn't believe me, but he didn't push.

"Mhm." He turned around immediately, taking my hands.

"You should get some rest." He commented lightly, looking at me as though he was trying to discover the secrets of the universe. I closed my eyes to not have to see the intensity of his gaze. It scared me, everything about this did, yet at the same time this was all I'd ever wanted.

"You should too." I wanted to crawl into his bed and curl up next to him, but I didn't know if that was allowed. I didn't know if in the new circumstances we were in it would mean… something else. I didn't want something else. I just wanted to sleep next to him, with his breath spanning across me and a feeling of safety in my chest.

"Come on then." With one tug, he pulled me towards his bed, a lazy smile on his lips. We were so different, how would this ever work? Before we got in, he leaned in, his lips close to my ear. My breathing all but stopped, a miniature heart attack taking place in my chest. "Stop thinking so much."

"You know I can't help it." I whispered back, feeling as though my entire being was about to give out.

"I know. But this feels right, doesn't it?" I knew exactly what he was referring to when he said 'this', but I decided to play dumb.

"What's 'this'?" I asked, voice quivering. He pulled away, taking my hands up to his mouth to softly kiss my knuckles.

"This." Then he leaned in again, this time using the opportunity to kiss my cheek. "And this." He didn't pull away to say the words, so I felt his lips tracing the words on my skin. A shiver coursed down my spine, as he moved carefully so that our lips hovered just above each other. "And this." With that, he kissed me, making me forget every single thought that had disturbed me earlier so much. After a while, he pulled away, as I struggled to pull a full breath of air into my lungs.

"Maybe I should stop thinking more often." My words pulled a smile to his face, as his arms wrapped themselves around my waist.

"Oh yeah?"

"Mhm."

"I can help with that." Again he kissed me, making my toes curl in my bunny socks. And, sure, there was a lot to figure out, but perhaps this could be the first time that I let myself not have to control everything. I could survive without knowing what exactly would happen tomorrow, as long as I knew Dean would be right beside me.

"Anxiety and depression suck." I mumbled after a few minutes, probably ruining the mood completely. He didn't seem to mind, that same look of fondness making his eyes crinkle at the ends. Something akin to love passed through our bond, but I was no longer sure if it was his or mine.

"I know. I can't promise it's gonna be ok, but… will you at least let me promise you that I'll do anything in my power to make things ok for you?"

"You shouldn't have to focus on me. What you had to go through was awful Dean, god knows you need your help more than I do." He quickly shook his head at my words, pulling me down with him onto the bed. The quick action took me by surprise, as he held himself above me.

"But I only want to help you."

"And I want _you_ to get better."

"Then, alright, let's do it together." And in that instant when the rest of the world was quiet, all I could do was nod. His hair was falling into his face, and he had stars in his eyes, and he shun brighter than the sun, and I could still taste him on my lips. So I nodded and I let my tears fall and I bit my lip hard, because I couldn't believe I was doing this.

"God, this is crazy." I'd always wanted to get better, but I'd never been able to do anything to go towards this. I couldn't get a therapist and I couldn't stop worrying, as though the worry were intrinsic within me, so there'd never been a way to. But in Dean's eyes, I saw a promise, one to make these whispered words on a quiet night worth more than a signature on paper.

"Crazy perfect?" He asked, a teasing smile on his lips. I giggled softly, getting lost in his eyes and in the beauty of the moment.

"Yeah, crazy perfect."

 **Hi :)**

 **Ok, I know some of you really want soulfinder stuffs to happen, so worry not, that'll be happening very very soon, pinky promise. I was just in the mood for some cute shit, and I needed to introduce an idea this chapter (it's super subtle so I dunno if you'll have noticed it) that'll make a reappearance later on in the story. So I'm sorry that this is a bit of a filler, but at least it has fluff right? :D**

 **Guest review thank you time!**

 **\+ Centa, ahh, I'm so glad you liked it! Tbh I kinda felt like flying too when I wrote it haha. And i totally know, shipping is just too great to pass up on, especially when something actually comes of it (and then there's non-canon ships, which will be the death of me). Thank YOU for reviewing haha. And yeah, I was still in the deciding process with what I wanted to do with Josh and Grace, when the ship just kind of happened, but I'm quite fond of it**

 **\+ Llamacorn OH MY GOSH I KNOW. And dw, Josh doesn't like Aubrey, but he likes another someone (hint hint, nudge nudge nudge ;) ). Thanks for your review!**

 **\+ Mystery, thanks a bunch :D**

 **\+ Guest, I'll be sure to add more super long chapters then :D Thanks for your review :)**

 **\+ Guest numero dos (and also 3), here you go! :D**

 **Alright, see you guys next week! (I'm kind of hyper, excuse my overuse of exclamation marks).**

 **Bye bye xx**


	26. Chapter 26

Aubrey's POV:

The next morning, it was cloudy outside, and I was oh so warm next to Dean, so I cuddled closer to him, pretending I'd never have to get up. I created a world in my mind in which we could live in a fort of pillows, stealing peanut butter and nutella jars to eat straight from the container. We'd always be surrounded by bright white sheets and pastel blue comforters, and so many pillows we wouldn't know what to do with them. We could just lie here, for the rest of eternity, and I'd finally be happy.

Unfortunately, my pretending didn't last long, as Dean stretched, a yawn leaving his mouth. I blinked up at him blearily, really wishing that I could live in my fantasy for a few seconds longer. I wished so hard that I closed my eyes tightly shut, and I was sure he could feel it through our bond.

"Morning sleeping beauty." He whispered, voice husky from sleep. All I could do in reply was bury my face in his chest, a disgruntled noise leaving my lips. "Come on, we should start getting up." I didn't want to - I was so eager to stay that my heart clenched in fear in my chest.

"No." I had to admit, I sounded like a stropping toddler, but today was one of those where I felt happy and content with my place in the world, and I knew that something as simple as getting up could shatter my fragile happiness. So I held onto his shirt, hoping he could feel my desperation.

"Do you really want to stay?" I knew what he was asking - whether this was simply me being lazy or an actual anxiety emergency. And, sure, I wasn't having a panic attack, but these past few days had been such a roller coaster, I felt like I needed this, selfish as it was.

"Please." Just at the thought of having to get up, my voice flooded with panic, cluing Dean in on how badly I needed him to stay by my side.

"We already quit on Josh a couple of days ago."

"I know, but…" I couldn't finish my sentence, my voice going thick with emotion. All I wanted was to stay here, right here, in his arms, where nothing could go wrong. He held me tightly to him, his thumb slowly stroking the small of my back.

"Ok. You know what? I think it's raining." We both knew what his words meant: a day off. But surely it couldn't be raining, I'd checked only a few minutes before. I peeked from under the blankets at the window, finding the day dull and gray but little else.

"No it's n-"

"Shhh." Looking up at him, I finally caught onto what he was saying, a stupid smile lifting the corners of my lips. He laughed, winking at me, and started getting up. Surprised by his actions, I reached out and grabbed his wrist, my eyes filled with question. "Don't worry, I'll be back, I just need to tell Hugh that we're all taking a day off. I think everyone else will appreciate that too anyway."

And just like that, he left, leaving me all alone to get flooded by thoughts and nightmares. Before I could go down that rabbit hole however, Josh yawned loudly, cluing me in on his presence. This was why I didn't want to get up, damn it.

Dean's POV:

I made my way across the camp quickly, hunching my shoulders to keep the chill out. Normally it was warm enough for a t-shirt to be enough, but today fog covered the still sleepy campsite, making cold creep through my thin shirt. It really was a day of staying in, and we would've probably done it anyway. Aubrey had just accelerated the process with her doe like eyes and quavering voice. I couldn't stand seeing her upset. This was what we were being paid for, but I wanted to stay in so badly. I'd also worked here for quite a number of years, meaning Hugh owed me at least one favour.

Knocking on their door, I stuck my hands into my pockets, trying to strive for nonchalance. In reality, my stomach bubbled with fear, afraid they'd be angry at me. And angry they were. Immediately, I heard a grumbling through the thin door, and then Hugh cursing rather loudly.

"What do you want?" Claire was the one who opened the door, a cigarette already clutched tightly between two of her fingers. I didn't understand how anyone let her around this many kids when she smoked like this. Her hair was a mess, her eyes drooping with tiredness.

"It's kinda a gloomy day, I thought we could maybe have a day off?" I said, going straight to the chase. I knew she didn't appreciate people beating around the bush. I put on my best smile, hoping to persuade her.

"Hugh, you heard that?" She shouted behind her, being replied to by a mumbling from under a duvet.

"Tell him to fuck off, I don't pay him to take breaks." To be fair, I had been taking too many breaks recently, but usually he was a lot more chill about that kind of thing. His boss must be on his ass about us taking days off. To be fair, what did they expect? We were a bunch of 17 year olds, of course we didn't want to do shit.

"You heard him." She went to close the door, but I stuck a foot through the gap before she could.

"But it's too cold to go to the pool." I pleaded my case, practically getting down on my knees in front her. This wasn't even about Aubrey anymore, I wanted a break to talk things out with her as much as she did. We hadn't even talked about what the kissing and holding hands meant.

"What's it to me? Make some macaroni necklaces or something in the hall, I don't care." With that, she knocked my foot out of the way, slamming the door shut on me. With a growl, I kicked the ground, satisfied by the dent I left in the damp soil, and then marched off, anger permeating my every step.

When I got back to the cabin, I expected to find Aubrey sleeping, or at the very least swathed in blankets, but instead found her sat up, alert as ever. It soon became obvious why, Josh sitting across from her with a smirk on his face. I was spoiling for a fight, so I was ready to punch his face off if a single comment left his mouth. Surprisingly enough, he didn't do that, seeming to be having a nice conversation with her. Or, well, as nice as Josh got.

"Hi Dean." She mumbled, the second I walked through the door, as if she'd sensed my presence. I waved in reply, sitting next to her. My immediate thought was to put an arm around her, but she looked uncomfortable, so I kept my distance, knowing it'd have to wait.

"Hey. Hugh and Claire said no, so we've got to stick it out today." At my words, Josh chuckled, his eyes filling with mirth.

"What, were you expecting them to give you a day off?" He asked, his voice laced with amusement. I didn't understand why that was so funny to him, but I let him have it, pursing my lips at him.

"Didn't seem to be my best plan, no."

"Aubrey's plan seemed better - hiding out in your bed all day." Shit, that's why she looked so uncomfortable, he'd basically caught us red handed, and was probably drawing all sorts of conclusions by this point. And there was no non-awkward way of assuring him that it really wasn't what he was thinking. So i did the next best thing, wrapping an arm around Aubrey and shooting him a not-so-subtle look to back off. He did so without a word, pretending to zip his lips out, which at least got a laugh out of her.

xXx

Hours later, we were doing what Claire had told us to do, whilst I watched Aubrey sink further and further into herself. She hadn't been lying when she'd begged me for a day off, fear making her voice crack and fray at the edges. I didn't know what to do though, we were stuck doing this today, especially because Hugh and Claire were now keeping me under their watch, knowing I was likely to try to get a longer break than I'd been allowed.

So I simply sat next to her, hoping and praying that this would be enough, or that it would at the very least tide her over until the end of the day. Problem was, there was still a long way to go until we got dismissed for dinner.

"Dean, what colour should I make my necklace?" Asked one kid or another. I wasn't able to keep track of all of them when Aubrey looked so terribly sad. Before turning towards them, I grabbed her hand, rubbing soft patterns into her skin. Immediately, her eyes softened, but not enough to lead me to believe we were in the clear.

"Well, what's your favourite colour?" I asked, reluctantly taking my eyes off of her. The little boy in front of me held a look of concentration that really wasn't required for making macaroni necklaces. But they tended to take things like this seriously, as kids often do. On any other day, I would've found it adorable. Now, too many emotions swamped me to allow for room for anything else.

"Umm, blue."

"Make it blue then."

"Ooh! Ooh! And green!" With that, he scrambled off, already frantically looking for the paints of the colours he required. I wasn't even needed here, not really, I was just filler for their thoughts so that they could get everything organised enough to decide what they wanted. As well as to make sure that no one painted themselves - it'd happened 3 times by now - or tried to stick macaroni up their nose - luckily, that disaster had been avoided this year. A few years back, we hadn't been so lucky.

"Dean?" Aubrey whispered, bringing my attention straight back to her and away from the kids and their mishaps. She grabbed at the sleeve of my shirt, her eyes looking panicked and her breath coming short. I knew we were over-staffed for this makeshift arts-and-crafts evening, so I didn't hesitate to take her hand and walk her straight out. Hugh may or may not have shouted at me to 'come the fuck back', but, if he did, I pretended not to notice.

"Hey, it's ok, just breathe." Knowing we wouldn't get much further, her knees shaking and threatening to give out, I led her to the side of the building, sitting her down the second I knew we would be away from the kid's prying eyes.

"I- I- I-"

"Shhh, it's ok, I promise Aubrey, it's all going to be ok." Suddenly, her panic swamped me, barging into my head like a hurricane. I'd never felt this much fear in my life, so strong that my entire being shook with the urge to run away, whilst at the same time giving out and threatening to perish and never come back. It occurred to me that Aubrey must've been shielding all of her emotions, so that her anxiety couldn't reach me, and this was the dam breaking, sweeping me up in the tide. I felt like I was drowning, choking on air, unable to pull a single breath into my lungs, for the air was so charged with fear.

It came from nowhere, from everywhere. It clenched my chest and made my heart feel like it was on fire, pulling and prodding at my thoughts until every single memory was filled with monsters instead of people and glares instead of smiles. I put my hands on my head, begging it, pleading for it to end the torture.

And, just like that, it stopped.

The anxiety abandoned me, as though it had never been, leaving me drained and shaking against the wall. The cool plaster of it alleviated some of the pain in my head, allowing me to finally think straight. I was still heaving, but I opened my eyes, seeing Aubrey's panic filled ones.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." She must've recovered enough to put her shields back up, because her whole form was shaking, and she still hadn't escaped the anxiety attack. If what she was feeling was what I'd gone through moments before, I didn't know how she could focus on anything besides her paralysing fear.

Not letting me say even a single word, she jumped up, holding onto the wall for dire need. She looked so fragile in that moment, so absolutely broken, and I was forced to remember that she experienced this on the daily - this overtaking terror that made you feel cold from the inside out, that made your bones heavy and your heartbeat loud, that made you feel like there was nothing apart from it. Just you and the paralysing fear that would never let you out of its grasp.

"I'm sorry." She repeated again, before sprinting away, leaving me shell-shocked. We still hadn't talked about this, any of this, but she… She mattered too much for me to let her go like this.

"Aubrey!" I shouted, trying to scramble into an upright position. She never turned, so I tried again. I was close to giving up, my legs too weak to let me sprint towards her, when I had a stupid idea. She could shield, so she had to be a savant, I couldn't let myself believe anything else in these painful moments. And so, I made perhaps the worst mistake of my life. This would change everything, but in that instant, where all I could see was Aubrey's retreating form, I didn't care.

 _Aubrey!_ My words were said through telepathy, making her freeze on the spot. Her shoulders tensed, everything in her being shaking, and then she was running again. Running from all of us. Running from me.

 **Hi :)**

 **Ahh, I'm so sorry for the cliffhanger! Also, this is a day early cos I was so excited about it that I started writing tons yesterday, meaning I'm now like 5 chapters ahead haha. Which means earlier updates! I hope you guys liked it :D I mean I know this story has been slow so far, cos I personally like being able to base the plot completely on the characters, but I hope this was worth the wait ^.^ Also, watch out for the end of the author's note, I've got a surprise for you guys :)**

 **Guest thank you!**

 **\+ Llamacorn, aww, thank you, your review was too sweet! I think the ban in America is awful, and I really feel for all the people who weren't allowed to go home, but luckily that judge has finally spoken up and the ban has been lifted. I hope it stays like that for a while :/**

 **\+ Mystery, thank you so much :D And here you go!**

 **\+ Centa, I'm glad you like them! And Aubrey and Dean too, they're like my little babies haha. Cos I mean I have tons of broken characters, but I've never had this many in the same story, so I feel really bad for them "^.^ Your review was just too nice honestly, haha, so thanks so much :D I hope you liked the soulfinder stuff!**

 **\+ And to the three guests, here you go! Thanks for your reviews :)**

 **Ok, I know this A/N has gotten way out of hand length-wise, but I've been writing a new story! I've got the first few chapters written up, so tell me what you think:**

 **Olivia was a normal girl, living a normal life, until that one world-shattering day. Her life starts spiralling out of control, it all starting with her having a baby. She suddenly finds herself lost in the middle of Denver, surrounded by a sea of strangers, with no home and no hope apart from her daughter in her arms. Alone and frightened, she doesn't know anyone apart from that one annoying girl, with the bright blue eyes, that keeps insisting on helping her. Elaina says she cares for Olivia, but after being kicked out by her parents because of one mistake a drunken night, she finds it hard to believe that anyone could mean that.**

 **I'd appreciate it tons if you guys told me what you think, and if you like it it should be coming up in a couple weeks, maybe a month if I get caught up in things (as I often do haha). See you next week :D**

 **Trish xx**


	27. Chapter 27

Aubrey's POV:

All I could think about was that I'd hurt him. I hurt him so so bad. My feet pounded on the floor, the beat sounding thunderous to my ears. Everything hurt, my chest exploding with pain and panic. But I had to keep running, had to get as far away from him as I could, so that I'd never be able to hurt him like that again.

From behind me, he called my name, but I ignored him. I could still see the way he'd writhed on the floor, grabbing his head as if trying to get the pain out - trying to get _me_ out. He'd been heaving and struggling for breath, and all I'd been able to do was watch, as anxiety blew a hole straight through my chest.

 _Aubrey!_

Everything. Stopped.

My feet froze underneath me, the whole of my fear and pent up hurt being replaced by a bright glow within me. It was like I had been given the sun, my head filled with light and warmth. It was the feeling I'd come to recognise as Dean, that slow burning fire in the pit of my stomach, that took away all the shadows in my form. The comfort and happiness, like nothing could ever go wrong.

Flowers grew deep in my heart and stars glew bright behind my closed eyelids and fireworks went off in my chest. Everything was good, in this very instant. I could see Dean's eyes clearly, as though he were with me, and I could imagine how they lit up when they were happy and how they became cloudy when he let the depression overtake him, and how little creases appeared on the side of them when he laughed along to something stupid I'd said. All beautiful, always beautiful, because Dean was light and everything I was not, illuminating me until I shone with light that didn't belong to me.

But, just like that, I realised what this all meant. We were soulfinders. We were _soulmates_ and I'd just hurt him. He was the sun, and I was the darkness all around him, waiting, threatening to put his light out. He deserved another star, not the abyss. With a choked sob, I continued running.

This time, I didn't think about what an awful person I was, not even about how I'd just destroyed his life. No, I simply focused on my footsteps, making a relentless beat against the cold, hard ground.

xXx

What could've been hours, but may have just been minutes later, I finally stopped. I was panting and sweat dripped down my back, despite the cool air around me. My mind continued telling me to run, to go so far that my thoughts could chase me no more, and the untimely bond I'd formed with Dean would vanish from existence.

Unfortunately, neither of those things were likely to happen soon. All my anxiety slammed into me like a freight train, making me stagger and fall to the side, an empty shell sagging against a tree. Dean's emotions weren't helping, his panic fresh and thriving in my already broken mind.

 _Aubrey, please, I don't know if you can hear me, but, listen, I'm so sorry._ He'd been speaking in my mind since I'd taken off running, making my body ache to reply to him. Maybe he wouldn't be disgusted, he had kissed me after all. But that'd been before I hurt him. That's all I did, wasn't it? I stressed out over nothing, detonating on everyone around me, bringing hurt and pain to the people I cared about most.

So I closed the link once and for all, not knowing how much longer I'd be able to deal with having to hear his voice without replying back. It hurt every inch of my body, but I slammed my shields up, leaving such a deafening silence in my mind that I found it hard to gather my bearings for a few seconds.

It was possibly the hardest thing I'd had to do - all my body and heart and mind wanted was for me to turn around, sprinting straight back to camp so I could just in Dean's arms. I'd whisper my apologies, and he'd hug me, telling me he didn't care. Then I'd softly say something in his mind, something cheesy like ' _I found you'_ or maybe something awkward and Aubrey-like such as ' _Um… hi?'_. His face would fill with awe, and he'd hold me tight tight tight, as though nothing in the universe could separate us - and nothing would.

But then there was the alternative. Then there was the possibility of him smiling at me, all fake and wrong. Outside he'd say how happy he was, but inside he'd be reeling, wondering how he could live with someone like me. How he'd be able to deal for the rest of eternity with the void. Maybe at first he wouldn't realise, he'd be excited, and that emotion had a way of driving coherent thoughts out. But after a few weeks, months, perhaps even years if I was lucky, he'd realise that all I'd done was pull the life out of him, with my incurable anxiety and permanent pain.

I couldn't go back. I _couldn't_.

Even if the first scenario happened, I'd still always know that it could turn sour at any point. And I cared for him so deeply, how would I be able to cope with the thought that my selfishness and fear could tear us apart at any time? My anxiety would loom in the back of my mind, baring its teeth at me with a ghoulish smile, simply waiting for the perfect moment to come to sink its fangs into me.

 _Aubrey? Are you blocking me? Does that mean you're a savant?_ Damn it, how the hell had he gotten passed the shield in my mind? Grandpa had taught me to do that, telling me that it would take one hell of a savant to push them down. I tried pulling them back up again, struggling with all my might, but Dean had stuck his foot through the crack in the door. There was nothing I could do. _Look, it's ok if you don't want to talk to me, but just… Please come back? It'll get dark soon, and I can't stand the thought of you wandering alone in the middle of a dark forest._

He was right, of course he was. There was just one small, tiny problem, which I realised as I quickly spun around, dread filling my entire being. I had no idea where I was. I'd been so preoccupied with escaping my feelings, that I'd lost all direction of where I'd been going. No patch of forest looked remotely similar to me, all simply dark bark and high treetops which blocked the sunlight. Even still, I could see the orange colours that painted the sky, dancing in my vision as even more fear filling me from the inside out. I quailed, realising I didn't even know which way to start.

It was as though I'd been sunk to the middle of the ocean, and now had no way which was up or down or anywhere, because it was all water and I was just drowning drowning drowning.

I couldn't ask Dean for help either, because there was no way I was revealing to him that we were soulfinders. I was simply too afraid of his reaction. It didn't matter if he _was_ happy with it - I knew the darkness inside of me would soon take over our bond and taint everything in its ugly shades of monochrome. I couldn't do that to Dean, the person who made people feel like sunshine simply by looking at them, the boy with the golden smile and bright eyes and beautiful, neverending love.

Letting myself fall against a tree, I sunk to the ground, defeated. I didn't want to have to wait out here for the whole night, until a rescue party found me. The bark dug against my back, and it was still too cold to be out like this, the frosty air making goosebumps rise on my skin. I rubbed at them, pitying myself to the moon and back. Not to mention that my phone was digging into my leg-

My _phone_.

I was so stupid. So, so stupid.

Immediately, I got it out, praying to every holy deity out there that I'd have service. I only had 'E' for mobile data, and the signal was shaky at best, but it would do. Hopefully. I knew that I should call Hugh or Claire, or someone who I knew would be a responsible adult. But in that moment I didn't need them to take control of the situation and tell me how to get out - I just needed someone to tell me everything would be ok.

"Dean?" My voice was wobbly, I sounded like a scared little girl, but I didn't let myself think about that. Dean was what I'd been running from, but he would help, I knew he would.

"Aubrey, oh my god, are you ok? You just ran off and I've been searching for you the whole day-"

"I'm ok." I assured him, cutting him off. The emotions seeping into his tone terrified me. It sounded like he deeply cared about me, despite all the shit I'd put him through because of my selfishness. Did that mean he didn't care about what had happened only earlier today? He must have zero sense of self-preservation, and, in that moment, I couldn't be happier. I still didn't want to be anywhere near him, lest I end up taking the sunshine from his eyes. But I still needed for him to tell me that he cared for me and didn't mind that I was broken. I was selfish, and it'd been such a long day that I couldn't keep fighting it.

"Bullshit. I can feel your emotions, you know that. And I know you're a sava-"

"Dean, don't."

"Why not? Why's this so terrifying for you? Why can't you just talk to me?" A beat of silence passed through the phone, as I wondered whether he truly wanted me to answer those questions. "I'm scared, Aubrey." He finally broke away from his panic, the defeatedness in his tone settling heavy in my bones. Maybe we both needed this. Maybe the soulfinder bond had chosen us like this for a reason.

"I'm scared too. A-and I'm lost, I don't know where the camp is." This was good, better than talking about the emotions I was still having trouble comprehending. It was hard, to battle against yourself when almost every single part wished to let it go and run straight into Dean's arms. Only a small, still logical part, of my brain remained coherent enough to tell me that I should care about Dean enough to not do this to him.

"Shit. Where's the sun now? Like, relative to you." It was hard to see exactly, what with the dense foliage and quickly diminishing sunlight, so I took a gamble, hoping I wasn't wrong.

"Um, behind me."

"Ok. I'm not entirely sure where you are, but if you're still in the same sort of direction that you left camp in, I think you need to travel away from it. Hopefully we should be able to get you close enough that we can find you." I mumbled an affirmation and set to work, as he muttered about getting Josh and Grace to help look for me around the forest.

"And, Dean?"

"Yeah?"

"Please don't hang up." I was clutching at my phone, knowing this was all wrong, that I should be getting further away, not walking straight towards him. I didn't have it in me to care anymore.

"I wouldn't think of it."

 **Hi :D**

 **Your response to last chapter was so amazing, thank you so much! Also, sorry that much doesn't happen this chapter, but I needed to explore Aubrey's feelings (cos I have a problem with getting too involved with my characters feelings xD ) but hopefully you liked it :D I promise more will be happening next chapter. Soulfinder stuff? Maybe... ;)**

 **Guest review thanks!**

 **\+ Guest 1, thanks! I changed the AN a bit, so it (hopefully) makes a bit more sense. You can go check it out if you want :)**

 **\+ Mystery, thank you tons! :D**

 **\+ Llamacorn, thanks for your review! And the story relates to the original Benedicts cos Olivia (the main character) is a sister of Althea. But that's mostly an excuse for me just to write a completely unrelated story haha. Thanks so much, you're too kind :)**

 **\+ Centa, your review was just wow, honestly, you're too amazing. I'm so glad you liked the chapter! I was struggling to find a way to make him speak telepathically to her, so I'm glad it worked out well :) And yeah, I'm way too harsh on Aubrey, but it can only go up from here, huh? (that's what I said last time but I've gotta tell myself that at some point I'll stop being mean to her xD ). Thanks so much!**

 **\+ Guest 2, here you go! Hope you liked it :)**

 **And your comments about my new story were so great, so that should hopefully be coming out soon :D I've gotten like 4 chapters written up so far, so hopefully (fingers crossed) I won't procrastinate putting it up too much haha.**

 **Have a nice week (half term to those of you off school)!**

 **Bye bye xx**


	28. Chapter 28

Dean's POV:

I was close to pulling my hair out with desperation, taking long strides through yet another forgotten meadow. The sun had long since set across the horizon, meaning my only light source was my phone. I was sure Grace and Josh had given up by now, but I kept treading through, knowing that nothing else mattered when Aubrey was involved. Not my tired muscles, which ached and begged me to sit down, not the frigid air that formed goosebumps on my skin, nothing.

"Ok, describe where you are again?" I asked through the phone for the billionth time, as I felt her begin to despair again, much like I was. Both of our emotions twirled together, the fear feeding off of itself. It wasn't a good combination, but I wouldn't be able to stand not having her in my mind, so I left the bond wide open. I'd just have to pray that she wouldn't close it like she'd done before. She'd slammed her shields so tight that not a sliver of emotion flitted out, making my head feel empty, as I shouted for her in my mind, my voice echoing back to me. I'd had to pull so hard at them that if it'd been real, my fingers would've bled and my joints would've given under the pressure.

"Um… I don't know Dean, I'm in a meadow? There's a few trees, denser in front of me than behind." I knew this all already, having heard this exact same description a few times in the past hour, but I nodded all the same.

"Ok, ok, that's is fine, we'll find you."

"Where did you send Grace and Josh?"

"To the sides, although I dunno, I think they might've given up by now." I grit my teeth against the cold, scrubbing my hands furiously together, and turned up the light on my phone even more, hoping to be able to see all the roots my feet kept catching on.

"Oh." She sounded so hurt, so small, that if we'd been standing next to each other, I would've hugged her closer than I'd ever held anyone, and threatened the world to keep away. "That's ok. You should give up too." Her words made me freeze in place, my chest imploding with sadness for this girl who didn't think she deserved anything in life. I wished I could give her the moon and all the stars, so she could finally realise that, to me, she deserved everything and more.

"Of course not Aubrey, don't be ridiculous. There's no way I'm leaving you stranded in the middle of a forest at night." She hiccuped on the other side of the line, it sounding too much like her repressing tears for it to be anything else. The hole in my chest panged at the sound, as i started searching with even more fervour, hoping, praying.

"But I did this to myself by being such a horrible person. That's all I am, selfish and stupid, so fucking stupid."

"Oh Aubrey…" Scratch giving her the moon, what I wished in that moment was for her to be able to see herself through my eyes. Then she'd see how she shone brighter than all of the stars combined, how her light burned through everything, even my pain and sadness. How could she not see it? That she'd made me feel again, that she'd made me look up at the sky and finally see the sun, that she'd been the only thing to truly matter. "You're not selfish, not anywhere near that. What you do each day, hiding your pain from everyone so as to not hurt them - that's the most selfless thing I've ever seen."

"Bullshit, you do that too, and so does Grace, and even Josh to a certain extent. We're all playing the same stupid game, and I'm just the dumb girl who thinks she's the only one in pain."

"Aubrey-"

"No! Didn't you hear Josh? He can't be the only person who thinks that! Everyone hates me, why the hell would you be an exception?" I finally stopped searching, reeling back from her words. How could someone hate themselves so much? I felt her self loathing in my very soul, invading everything like dark, swirling black smoke that overtook everything else. I ran my hands through my hair, pulling at the roots lightly to try to get it out.

"Because I care for you. How can you not see that? Why won't you let yourself see?" Her pain in my chest made it hard to get words out, so they came out with less conviction than I would've liked, instead being meek and pained and everything in between. Aubrey didn't reply, the silence stretching infinitely between us. I was standing still, my extremities aching and slowly growing stiffer from the cold, but I paid them no heed. The hurt in my head was worse than anything around me.

"Try shouting again? Maybe I'll hear you." I could see what she was doing, avoiding the conversation just like anything about soulfinders or savants or anything that might remotely resemble feelings. So I sighed, scrubbing a hand over my face tiredly. How long would I be able to play this game, where Aubrey jumped across conversations until they landed solidly in her comfort zone? I needed answers, needed to talk about this like any other human would, but Aubrey let her fears rule her over.

"Fine." I could've perhaps sounded less frustrated, but it was nearing on 10pm, and all I wanted was to lay in bed with her and finally talk to her about what the fuck was happening. Rather than this stupid manhunt, with a distance between us that was both metaphorical and way more literal than I liked it being. I shouted her name, my vocal chords already raw from doing this for hours before, but, finally, there was a reply.

"Oh my god, I actually hear you. Ok, stay exactly where you are, I'm going towards it." And so, I stayed rooted to my spot, the line going silent, and wondering when everything had gone wrong. Because maybe she'd find me, and maybe we'd go to bed tonight together, but we were far from reaching a mutual understanding. We'd lay side by side, each staring at the ceiling, and not a single word would be spoken - not any that would matter anyway. My soul would feel tired and a million years old, and I'd wonder how you can feel so far away from someone who's right beside you. "Hey?"

"Yeah?" My voice was fragile, but we both pretended we couldn't hear. All I wanted was to understand her, why did she keep running? A part of me almost wished that she'd ask me what was wrong, that she'd question how weak I sounded, why my voice sounded wrong and like my whole world was collapsing around me.

"I'm sorry."

"It's alright." It was everything but. "Whatever happened today, we'll get through it." I was doubting this already. "All I ask is that you trust me." But there was a small voice inside me that told me she never would.

"I'm so sorry." A soft cry accompanied her words, making me snap out of my self-pitying reverie. I was stupid, being angry at her for not opening up and for driving this distance between us. She was broken inside, who was I to judge how she was reacting to stressful situations? Maybe I was the type of person to want to sit down and talk things out, but if Aubrey needed to run through a forest with wind ruffling her hair and the feeling of the world being left far far behind, then so be it. We'd get through this. We always would.

"Aubrey?"

"Yeah?"

" _I'm_ sorry."

Suddenly she was right across the meadow from me, tears flowing down her face, and I was smiling weakly, and maybe nothing else mattered. And maybe the good moments in life had to be preceded by a hell ton of bad. And maybe I could be ok with that, if it meant finding Aubrey at the end of every storm.

"You found me." I whispered into the phone. Where my soul had felt heavy before, I now felt as though I was full of light, smiling even though she couldn't see. And despite not being able to see her facial expression clearly either, I was willing to guess that she was grinning too.

"Yeah." She let out a soft laugh, as I crossed the meadow in large strides, until I was finally by her side. The distance was still there, but the breach felt just the slightest amount smaller. And that was enough for me.

Before I got a single word out, she was barreling into my arms, making my cheeks heat up against the cold hard night. I didn't hesitate to hug her back, as I felt her holding onto me as though I were a lifeline. Her hands grasped at my back until she held fistfuls of my t-shirt, her body shaking against mine. She was scared, and I was scared, and it felt like the whole world was quaking around us. So we held onto each other, a barricade against the hurt forming silently between our hearts.

"Dean… I have something to tell you."

"Oh? What's that?" I tried to make my tone as casual as possible, being able to feel her anxiety flowing through me as if it were my own. My lungs constricted, the moment feeling monumental and scary and too much for a silent meadow far far away from the world. But I didn't let it show on my face, hoping I'd be enough to calm her down. Hoping I'd be enough.

"I'm… I'm… I'm… a savant." At what she revealed, I let out a loud laugh, squinting at her. My chest felt lighter, the tension of the instant dissipating into thin air. However, she didn't feel the same way, her anxiousness hitting me hard, as though I was drowning. It felt like cliffdiving on a stormy night, taking in a choked half-breath before suddenly hitting the surface of the water. It was cold and frigid, and it dragged me under with malice, making me struggle for breath as my lungs burned and screamed. And, just like that, I was breaking the barrier, taking gulping breaths of icy air.

"Jesus Aubrey, we've got to get your mind under control." I panted, finding myself on all fours on the ground. "That wasn't even that bad - I already knew that." I smiled up at her, looking up from the damp grass that made my jeans wet, but it died on my lips when I saw her. She was staring at me, wide eyed, lips trembling, pupils blown in fear so large that it looked to be overtaking everything. Her hands slowly rose up, covering her face, as she let out a quiet, almost imperceivable sob.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm-"

"Shh, I don't care, what's a few minutes? I don't care Aubrey, I promise." I got up, scrambling for purchase on the wet ground with my tired limbs. However, when I took a step towards her, she took two back, driving a spear between us and twisting, hard.

"I- I hurt you Dean."

"Is this why you ran earlier?" The only response I got was a shaky nod. "Haven't you already seen that running gets you nowhere?"

"You didn't see it Dean, I hurt you so much you were writhing on the floor, and clutching at your head to try to get me out. You were _screaming_."

"I _don't care_."

"Well I do!" She took in a couple of choked breaths, and continued, building up inertia in her body. Her words sweeped through me like a hurricane, displacing everything inside my head. They tangled my thoughts, making things wrong and twisted and blown to pieces. "I care about you, ok? I… I care about you so much." In her last sentence, she seemed to wind down, all the fight spinning out of her with her quiet, sad sighs. She made to leave, this time not running, but rather taking slow, tired steps that dragged her away from me. But I wouldn't let her go, not this time. So I grabbed onto her hand, imploring her to stay. Somehow, she did.

I couldn't help but think that I shouldn't have to hold her for her to want to stay with me.

And that night, when the world was silent and we lay in bed, one beside the other, I cried. I cried because the hole inside me was still expanding, eating up everything it could. I cried because I wanted to help Aubrey, but I wasn't enough. I cried and cried, because she said she cared for me, but I couldn't see how anyone could. In that moment, I knew that I'd be able to make a list of 100 reasons to hate me before I came across a single reason not to.

Aubrey shifted in her sleep beside me, nuzzling her nose against my neck. I let out a shaky breath. Everything inside me was breaking.

"What's wrong?" She mumbled, yet she seemed to be more asleep than awake.

"I- I don't know." I sat up, wiping away my pitiful tears, and this seemed enough for her to wake up. She incorporated herself next to me, running slow, soothing circles into my back. I chanced a quick glance at her, seeing her eyes half lidded and drooping closed. "Don't worry about me, go back to sleep."

"I'm not going anywhere, Dean."

All I did in response was cry harder.

My soul felt heavy. It felt a thousand years old. But Aubrey was by my side, silently wiping away my tears, and maybe this could be enough for now.

Maybe... Yeah, maybe.

 **Hi :)**

 **Sorry for the depressing chapter, tbh I had no idea where it was going to go, but my writing led me to this, so I guess here we are haha. Also, this is a tad late cos I was travelling yesterday, but after this week I'll go back to updates on saturday :)**

 **Guest review thank you!**

 **\+ Mystery, thanks so much!**

 **\+ Llamacorn, I hope you had a good halfterm :) Aw, you have a four year old brother? I'd love to have a little kid around the house, they're too cute. I'm so glad you liked it! And your PS made me laugh really hard haha, so thanks for making my day better too ;) Thanks for your review!**

 **\+ Centa, I'm so happy you liked it! Especially cos I'm never sure if people actually wanna see chapter after chapter of characters analysing their feelings haha. So have a Dean chapter! Tbh I was gonna be really awful and finish the chapter on " "I- I- I dunno." But she was already snoring. " But I just couldn't do it, I felt too bad for everyone xD So we're not _too_ far from a happy ending (just like 10 chapters, hopefully, if I don't find ways to fuck them up any more haha) . Thanks so much for your review!**

 **\+ Guest, wow, thank you! That's honestly the nicest thing ever, your review made my day :D And yeah, the suspense is killing me too haha, I don't know how long I can write these two skirting around the problems. So v v soon I promise :)**

 **That's all for now, see you next week!**

 **Trish xx**


	29. Chapter 29

Aubrey's POV:

The next morning, I woke up beside Dean, much like I always did. He was still sound asleep, soft sighs leaving his lips and a tranquility spreading itself over his calm features. Yet it was all a lie that kept itself precariously in the balance thanks to him being asleep. The bags under his eyes and the redness around them betrayed his real state, and when I remembered how hard he'd cried last night, I felt like I was drowning.

He yawned, startling me, but went straight back to sleep, leaning forward and nuzzling into my neck. Without noticing what I was doing, I started running my hands through his hair, blinking tears out of my eyes. I shouldn't be crying about something as silly as this, but I cared for him so much, and he couldn't be mine. Everything hurt.

I felt his eyes slowly opening, his eyelashes tickling my neck. Whilst I waited for him to gather his bearings, I glanced out the window, seeing a bright, sunny day, which contrasted so much with yesterday that it hurt. It was as though the dreary day had never happened, the universe covering up all our pain so the world would never find it. And some day, years into the future, someone would take a hike through those woods, and stumble across that meadow - _our_ meadow - and they'd feel a semblance of the emotions we'd felt whilst there. Because something like that doesn't get forgotten easily, and hurt has a way of sticking to places, creating scars that are hard to mend. But it wouldn't matter, they'd shrug off the pain and the adoration they'd suddenly feel, and it'd once more be forgotten. Dean and I were the only ones who'd understand.

"Morning." He whispered, voice husky, and I had to will my pitiful tears away once more.

"Hey." My shaky tone made him pull away, eyes hazy with sleep. They were too blue, too beautiful, piercing me with one single glance. I was drowning in them, getting lost in the bewitching nature of the deep blue. The worst part was, I didn't care. I was swimming, down down down, and I never wanted to breach the surface if it meant having to look away from him.

"You ok?" His brows furrowed with concern, as he traced patterns into my hip, where my shirt had ridden up. I swallowed thickly. How was I going to survive this?

"Yeah, never better." Somehow, a part of me meant that. My words made his eyes crinkle, a slow, sleepy smile forming on his lips. I reciprocated it before I'd even realised I was. Our whole relationship was on shaky feet, trying to find purchase on a slippery sheet of ice, so thin that it wasn't about whether it would break, but rather when. And I found myself thinking that maybe that wasn't such a bad thing, if it meant being here and now, with Dean by my side.

"You sure?" He asked, his hand coming up to touch my cheek carefully, a featherlight touch that left me desperate for more.

"Yeah." To hell with it, I decided, bringing my face as close to his as I could. Our noses bumped together as he hummed contentedly, making my heart beat loudly.

"You smell nice." It was so out of the blue that a surprised laugh left my lips, making his lips quirk up in response. His eyes were half-lidded, staring at me with something akin to adoration, but I couldn't let myself hope.

"Really."

"Mhm." He, once again, burrowed himself into the crook of my neck, placing a small kiss there. My entire being shook, as my heart fell to pieces. My head was swarmed with want for someone I could never have. "Like flowers and everything sweet and nice."

"You're such a sap."

"Yup." He lifted his head then, grinning big and bright, as though he could fix all the problems in this broken world. In that instant, I knew I could fall in love with that smile. That I could fall in love with _him_. Maybe I already had.

I didn't know what the hell we were doing - we hadn't even given this a name. He didn't even know we were soulfinders.

The thought settled heavily in my chest, making me pull away once and for all. I sat on the edge of the bed, pulled my hands through my hair, and I still had no idea what the hell I was going to do. I remembered my faltering words from the night before, when I'd almost told him, but ended up chickening out. He'd told me he cared for me, but to hell with that, it didn't mean anything if he couldn't see how truly rotten I was inside.

"Aubrey?" His voice was shaky, like he could see every single thing that troubled me. Like he'd seen how my shoulders were hunched forward and how my hands were shaking, and had looked straight through all of that, seeing how everything inside me was breaking.

"You… You know how I ran yesterday?" He came to sit beside me, his arm automatically wrapping itself around my waist. I struggled not to, but ended up leaning against him, unable to resist.I shouldn't, I should get up now and go, never looking back so that his eyes couldn't lure me back. But I was weak - and Dean felt like home.

"Hard to forget." I took a deep, steadying breath. It was now or never.

"It- It's because- I-" My chest felt like it was caving in on itself, so I stood up, pacing around the room in short strides. I pressed my hands to my chest, trying to resist the urge to scratch my arms, but it was inevitable. The panic inside me was too large, and without Dean by my side it was the best I could do. So I began tracing patterns onto my skin, which soon turned into viscous scratching that made my scars throb in pain.

"Aubrey, if this is making you so stressed out, you don't have to tell me." Whilst I'd been pacing, I'd failed to notice he'd also stood up. Suddenly he was there, eyes clouded with concern, and I felt like I was going down down down. I wouldn't be able to let him go. I wouldn't.

"I do have to. This is really important." I squeezed my eyes shut, not knowing whether this was to get the image of him out or to will my tears away. Either way, it didn't work. My crying was quiet, whimpering sobs leaving my mouth when it was impossible to hold them back, and all I could see was Dean. His smile and his dimple and the way he'd helped me so much, whilst I'd only broken him down further.

"What is it? You're worrying me."

I couldn't do this. I couldn't make the final step towards our demise.

Sprinting towards the door, I didn't let myself look back, didn't let myself- But for a split second, I did. Just as I opened the door, I chanced a small look backward, finding him looking at me. His eyes were swarmed with guilt and pain, which I could feel in my heart. I loved him so much my chest ached, and all I could get out were choked mumbles. Everything hurt, but I owed him at least this much.

 _I love you_. I was afraid I'd see disgust or aversion, or even him reciprocating my feelings, so I slammed the door shut, taking off towards the back of the cabin. He'd surely not think to search for me here. At least, I hoped not.

My heart pounded at what I'd done, a knot forming itself in my throat. Completely unrequited, memories formed behind my closed eyes. Of Dean giving me a bandaid with grinning suns on it, of Dean smiling big and broad and _real_ , for the first time. Of us hugging and us crying and us laughing together until our stomachs hurt. And… of him writhing on the floor, yelling for me to make it stop ' _please Aubrey please'_ whilst I stood by unable to do anything. Of me being rotten and horrible and hurting the person I loved the most, because I was so shattered inside that it was the only thing I could do.

"Aubrey!" Dean's shout broke through me, it being accompanied with a slam as he shut the door in his haste. I trembled, hoping he would simply plough forward and forget all about me. The grass in this side of the building was unkempt, and I was pretty sure my foot was stuck in a thorn, but it didn't matter. I pulled my knees to my chest, nausea overtaking me.

 _Aubrey please!_ I shook my head, despite him not being able to see me, tears cascading down my cheeks. My chest felt irreparably tight, and the thorns in my heart sunk so deep they made me quiver. I loved him, I loved him so much that my brain was full of buzzing feelings and my soul felt heavy. I loved him so much I couldn't stop crying. I loved him so much it hurt.

Josh's POV:

Stretching tiredly, I adjusted myself next to Grace, trying to regain feeling in my limbs. We'd fallen asleep next to the river side, two empty bottles of beer beside us. Normally I drank more, but I hadn't wanted to forget the brightness in her eyes, nor the way she moved closer to me as though by gravity. We'd counted stars last night, and, in my head, I counted her laughs, her smiles, her little gasps when she pretended to be offended only to break down into giggles. That felt a thousand times more precious than a pinprick of light in the distance.

Her eyes slowly opened, as she blinked at me in confusion. I gave her a tired smile, my back aching and damp with morning dew, but feeling happier than I'd done in quite some time. She returned it, the only sound for miles being some birds and grass bristling in the breeze.

"Aubrey!" And, just like that, it was broken.

"Son of a-" I started, sitting up with a groan.

"Josh, language." Grace cut me off, still lying down, a delirious smile on her face. I'd never seen her look so happy. I wanted, more than anything, to think it was because of me. Maybe that was selfish, I certainly didn't care.

"They always have to ruin everything with their stupid bitchy problems." She simply shrugged, finally sitting up. Her hair was disheveled, and the mascara under her eyes was smudge beyond relief, but I'd never seen anyone more beautiful. She must've seen the way I was looking at her, because she leaned in close, so close I could smell her strawberry shampoo. The air around us crackled with electricity, and it felt as though you could drop a match and the whole world would go up in flames.

"Aubrey!"

"God _fucking_ damn it." The moment shattered, as she blinked once, twice, and then looked away. She was confused by her actions, that much was obvious, so, with one last sigh, I pulled myself to my feet. "Come on, we should help them before Dean breaks something." She nodded silently, still looking a bit dazed.

It didn't take long to find him, as he was stood in the middle of camp, red-faced and with tears running down his face. When he saw us, he immediately ran over, his actions frantic as his eyes darted around our forms.

"Have you guys seen Aubrey? Is she with you? Where is she? I need to- I need to-" Dean looked ready to take off running god knows where, so Grace took over straight away, going over to wrap an arm around him.

"Hey, it's ok, don't worry. We'll find her. But I think you need to calm down a bit first, ok?" He shook his head rapidly at her words, trying to pull away from her. She held fast, motioning for me to go to his other side. I felt a bit foolish, but did as she asked, taking Dean's arm.

"I can't calm down, what if she's hurt? Or- or worse? What if she-"

"Let's go back to the cabin, and then we can talk about what happened." I spoke up this time, getting an appreciative look from Grace. That was enough for me to ignore Dean's struggling and all but drag him to the cabin.

Once there, she was quick to string him into a conversation about what had occurred to make him such a mess. I couldn't really help out, so made myself useful by going around camp asking if anyone had seen her. No one had, so she must've gone into the forest, but I would've thought she'd have learnt her lesson from yesterday. From what Dean had told us, she'd been pretty shaken up. Still thinking through the events, I walked back, finding Dean on his third re-telling about how she'd told him something really important and had then run off.

"And all I wanted to do was- You know?" Neither of us did, but we both nodded solemnly. This was such a disaster. How could two teenagers be so fucking dramatic? 'Something really important' my ass. This was just them needing to make a mountain out of a molehill. "What if she's lost? What if we never find her? What if we do but she wants nothing to do with me? What if she _hates_ me?" From what I'd seen of Aubrey, I could tell her feelings towards Dean were much the opposite of hate, but whatever floated his boat.

I leaned against the wall, opening Aubrey's jar of peanut butter, and grabbed a spoon for Grace and I. It was going to be a long day.

 **Hi :)**

 **Please don't hate me! Tbh I didn't really know what I wanted to do with this chapter, I kept swinging between giving them an early happily ever after and screwing them up even more. Guess I went for the latter? But dw, things will get resolved pretty soon, cos I have bigger plans for these two. I'll give you guys a hint: camp's coming to an end. Maybe i revealed too much? I dunno haha, I have an oversharing problem xD**

 **Also, I think my new story's gonna go up at some point during next week (wednesday most likely?) so watch out for that :)**

 **Guest review thanks!**

 **\+ Llamacorn, thanks! Yeah I know it was depressing haha, but I'm glad you thought it was good :D And ikr, society has such a stigma about boys crying, but the poor guys have feelings too. I thought of not writing it in, but I knew if Dean was a girl character I would've definitely had him crying, so I was like fuck it haha. Thanks for your review!**

 **\+ Mystery, thanks so much!**

 **\+ Centa, you defo make my day haha. And I'm glad you like the chapters where the characters think a lot, cause they're my favourite to write tbh. I mean I love writing fluff, but being able to explore a character's feeling is so therapeutic. I know, it's why I changed the ending, I just couldn't do it xD Idk if you can call this chapter progress, I guess that's up to you to decide ;) I mean they found out they're soulfinder's so... I guess that's something? Thanks for your review (and for saying you think they're beautiful, that's like the highest of praises, thanks so much!)**

 **Alrighty, that's it for today, tell me what you thought! Have a nice week :)**

 **Bye bye xx**


	30. Chapter 30

Aubrey's POV:

Once it got dark, and the mumbling from the cabin finally went silent, I crawled out of my hiding place, my joints stiff and my hands shaking. I could pretend it was because of the cold, but I couldn't lie to myself. I was terrified. Of everything, of everyone, of myself.

When the door creaked as it opened, I flinched back, almost expecting something to jump out at me. Luckily, no one stirred. Grace was lying on the floor, sprawled out and hugging my jar of peanut butter. Josh lay beside her, slowly inching towards her until he mumbled and wrapped an arm around her, bringing her tight to his chest. I looked away, knowing it wasn't my place to look. And Dean… Oh, Dean.

He was curled up on the bed, the duvet tangled around his legs. He tossed and turned, going from one side of the bed to the other, and then again and again. That felt like a good analogy for the stupid game we were playing, where we got together, and then I ran a mile away from him, and we got together, and then I just ran again. I was sick of myself, I hated everything about me.

If I were normal I'd be happy about having found my soulfinder. And I _was_. It wasn't something that happened every day, especially since Crystal had long retired from that business. And I… I _wanted_ to be happy. Of course I did. But what would be the cost of my actions?

Not allowing myself to keeping staring at Dean's form, I shook my head at myself, continuing to make my way to the bathroom. Halfway there however, he mumbled, making me freeze in my spot. He grumbled about something inconsequential and then, suddenly, sat up.

"Aubrey?" I didn't dare to look at him, to move a single inch, to even breathe. Everything stood still in that moment, the silence in the cabin being deafening. "Is that you Grace?" Maybe if I kept silent he'd assume it was and then just go straight back to sleep. Damn him and his ability to be aware of everything. But then he stood up, and I knew this would end badly no matter what. The worst part was that there was a little corner in my brain that was celebrating - because I couldn't make things work out, but maybe the universe would force me to. "Aubrey." The word left his lips in a whispered sigh, though I still didn't dare to move my head even the slightest amount to see what his facial expression was like. At least it was dark, aside from a sliver of moonlight filtering through the curtains, so he couldn't see my expression either.

"Yes Dean?"

"Are you ok?" The way he spoke felt stiff and formal, no thanks to me. I kept at a distance, and when I saw his foot inch closer, I immediately stepped closer towards the bathroom, which had been my only true goal in this escapade. Or perhaps that's what I was telling myself, when really I'd wanted him to notice me all along. I was pitiful.

"I'm fine." Another step towards the closed door. I was just a couple metres away now, until I could find relief in tracing bloody patterns onto my skin. I felt bad all over, had for much too long, and if I couldn't go back to Dean then I had to go back to my normal coping mechanisms. I was so close, so tantalisingly close, and suddenly it was all ripped away from me, him grabbing hold of my arm.

"Please look at me." He whispered the plea, his voice soft and broken all at once. My heart ached and shattered, despite me not thinking it was possible for it to break anymore, and before I knew it I was staring back up at him. "Camp's ending soon."

"I know." The silent deadline used to be a relief, but now posed a threat. It meant we only had a week to sort this whole thing out, or go our separate ways forever. Despite this being what I'd intended to happen, the thought still felt as though it was choking me.

"We… We're-" Not wanting him to say the word, I cut him off.

"I know." I couldn't see him well in the darkness, but I saw his eyes fluttering closed, an exhausted sigh leaving his lips. Slowly, he let go of my arm.

"You can't keep running from this forever, Aubrey. You have to face the fact that we're- don't you dare cut me off." He spoke over himself when he saw my mouth open, making me promptly shut it closed. "We're soulfinders, and this problem isn't just going to go away." As he said soulfinders, it felt as though all the air in the room had been sucked out, leaving it deadly silent. Not even the chirp of crickets could be heard. I felt his pain deep in my soul, yet I couldn't see it on his face, the dark in the room being too absolute. I wished I couldn't feel it either, it felt like a stab wound.

"But- But I hurt you." I spoke up, the silence in the room fragmenting into a million pieces. I felt myself fall apart along with it.

"No, don't you dare start with that shit again. Yeah, you hurt me, but so did I, remember? My sadness is just as absolute as your anxiety and neither of them are going to go away anytime soon. This is just an excuse." He took a deep breath, his chest rising and falling rapidly. He looked like saying all of these things meant physical effort, like it hurt him to even open his mouth. That could just be my pain however, lancing itself through his chest like his had done to me. I slowly sunk down, wrapping my arms around my legs. I couldn't keep looking at him anymore. "Because you're scared. And, hell, I'm scared too, but you can't just keep running away from all your problems Aubrey! Can you not see what you're doing to us? We might never fix this! We're going in a fucking _week_ , and we've screwed this up so much that we may never see each other again after that. And we're soulfinders for god's sake."

"I know." I didn't need him telling me that I'd screwed up. I knew - every time he looked down, hurt by my actions. Every time he had to force me to stay by his side to figure out our problems. Every time i was too skittish and afraid of everything, simply because that's the way I was. And once you got into the motions of something like that, you needed a slap to the face to snap you out of it. Dean, however, didn't take that my words as what they were - an apology - continuing to barge on as though the words had been inside him all along and now that he'd opened his mouth he couldn't get them to stop pouring out.

"Just tell me what you want, Aubrey. If you absolutely do not want this then… Then I'll go. And you won't ever have to step out of your stupid comfort zone ever again, continuing to live your life without ever truly living it." My chest ached with his words, the hurt overtaking everything until I couldn't see. I wanted this, but I couldn't, but I _had to_.

"Can you two sort out your stupid ass problems somewhere else? Some of us are trying to sleep." Spoke up Josh from somewhere behind Dean, making us both startle and turn. I'd opened my mouth to say the forbidden words, to say 'please don't go', but now everything was gone. My words and my soul and my life, all floating out of me. I was no longer holding onto my legs for dear life, simply shaking on the cold floor, willing everything to be over.

"Sorry, sorry." Dean said, rubbing a tired hand down his face. I watched the movement with cautious eyes. "I'm going back to bed. Aubrey, you know what I said."

With that, and nothing else, he left me there, quaking. He climbed into bed, and turned a couple of times until he was lying on his side, facing away from me. I looked at the contours of his back, tracing every detail with my tired eyes, and felt the weight of the world collapse around me. I wondered why he couldn't feel it. It was a feeling large enough to uproot the floorboards and create earthquakes across the country, and make teenage girls all the way in Indonesia cry even though they didn't know why.

So why was nothing happening? Why was the world just as silent as before? Josh had fallen back asleep, his soft snores filling the room, and Grace was still hugging my peanut butter. And nothing had changed, not really. Dean and I were already broken apart before this conversation. But it felt as though nothing should be the same. Dean shouldn't be facing away from me, and Josh should be shouting at us about our insignificant problems, and Grace should be playing peacemaker somewhere in the middle. Instead it was like the world didn't care. Like the whole earth had shattered to pieces but _no one cared_.

And if no one cared, why the fuck shouldn't I not enjoy my fleeting moment on this pitiful planet? Why the hell did I keep myself to such harsh regulations, when it didn't matter? I'd done the right thing, telling Dean to stay away, but the universe didn't have time for stupid girls like me who just wanted to play hero. I was done playing hero. I wanted to be happy for once.

Almost angrily, I stood up off the floor, climbing into bed next to Dean. Immediately, he turned around, staring at me through the darkness. Moonlight reflected off of his eyes, and it was as though I could breathe again. Taking a deep breath, I spoke, whispering into the night.

"I think you're sunshine. You feel like a hot drink on a cold day, or what would form if all the stars in the sky conglomerated into one beautiful constellation. You said I smelt like flowers and everything sweet. Well you smell like happiness. And if that makes me sound like an idiot who's way too in love, then… then I guess that's what I am." The air between us crackled, the way everything feels before lightning comes down, lighting up the sky.

And the world didn't care about us and our stupid problems, it never did. Yet for once that didn't matter to me. I leaned in, hesitantly, and closed my eyes tight tight tight, so I wouldn't have to see the rejection that may have formed in his eyes. I'd done a lot of wrongs this summer, but I hoped he'd help me undo them into rights.

"Oh, Aubrey." He said my name like a prayer, and then he was kissing me, and it didn't taste like goodbye - it felt like opening my eyes for the first time.

And in that moment, nothing was wrong. And nothing ever had been.

 **Hi :)**

 **Finally a happy ending! There's still some things to sort out, but dw, there's won't be more angst surrounding that same issue. Obviously they're still gonna have to work their way around their mental illnesses, but that's another problem for another day xD Thanks for reading!**

 **Guest review thank you time!**

 **\+ Mystery, aw, thank you!**

 **\+ Guest, thanks.**

 **\+ Llamacorn, haha, anytime you review to me you should be going to bed xD So I posted this one extra early in the morning ;) Thanks so much for your kind words!**

 **\+ Centa, here's their happiness! And camp's still ending but at least they'll be sorting their problems out together, I suppose haha. If I just wrote what I wanted to write the whole story would just be them rolling around a meadow with flowers and singing the other's praises xD Which wouldn't be so bad, maybe I should try that sometime xD Ahh, thank you so much!**

 **That's all for now, have a lovely week! Also, (guess that's not all for now haha), I've posted Understanding Olivia, the story I told you guys about a few weeks back :)**

 **Bye bye xx**


	31. Chapter 31

Dean's POV:

The next morning found us curled up in bed, closer together than we'd ever been. Or perhaps I'd simply forgotten the feeling of her skin against mine, of her breathing so close that I could feel it, of her thoughts and emotions entangled within my own with no barriers, no inbetween. It felt liberating, it felt like home. It felt like swimming to the bottom of the ocean, like flying high high high. It felt like... Aubrey.

She was still sound asleep in my arms, soft snores leaving her mouth, and I found myself smiling for no reason. For the first time in months and months, I didn't need a reason to smile. I'd found my _soulfinder_. And she wanted this too. No more doubts about whether she loved me, about why she kept running and running. More than anything, no more nights sat awake on an empty bed - I should've been enough to fill it but I wasn't, I wasn't - waiting and pondering and wondering. Or perhaps simply hoping.

I didn't know what I was hoping for at the time. For Aubrey to come back? For her to choose me over her destructive coping mechanisms? For her to love me enough to stay? But now I knew. I was hoping for this, this instant where the world was dead silent save for a few birds, this moment that was home and freedom all at once.

I never wanted to move. I was scared to so much as breathe, lest time remember that we were here and continue to sweep us along. I knew it was stupid to hope that time would forget about us and let us live in this moment forever, but it was all I wanted. All I needed. For the world to halt on its axis and, for once, dedicate time to the beautiful.

"Mmm, Dean?" I startled when I heard Aubrey, who was twisting in my arms and stretching languidly.

"Yeah?" I expected her to tell me something earth-shattering, like most of our conversations usually were. We couldn't talk about the weather, or how well the kids were doing so far from home, no. We always found ourselves roped into conversations about her anxiety or my depression or why the world seemed to be stacking everything against us.

"Good morning." I was shocked into silence from being proved wrong. But never had I been so happy to be mistaken. She was smiling up at me, bright and dazedly happy, and I realised it'd been a mistake to want time to stop earlier. I would've never gotten to see her in this instant. She wasn't scared or stressed, she looked like the happiness has woven itself around her heart and was making her glow from the inside out. I couldn't help the soft smile that tugged on the corners of my lips.

"Good morning." That didn't do it justice - this was _the_ morning. The morning after which nothing would be the same. The morning that even years and years from now, I was sure I wouldn't forget. I couldn't describe with simple words how light I felt, how absolutely drunk on her presence I was. So I suppose I'd settle with good morning.

~o~

The rest of the day that passed was a haze of holding hands and silent looks from across the pool when we were separated. It was giggling when I whispered something stupid in her ear, and her tapping her fist against my shoulder whilst I pretended it was the hardest punch I'd recieved in my life. It was happiness, pure and incomprehensibly large.

I felt as though I was tethered to her, a balloon swaying in the wind, and she was the only thing keeping me on earth. If she were to let go, my joy would make me float all the way up to nowhere, and maybe it was stupid, but I wished I'd never come down.

I was forced to come out of my head when one of the kids stopped playing, swimming over to me and jumping out of the pool. As a result, the rest of the kids stopped also, staring at us, frowning.

"Dean, is Aubrey your…" Lisa was stood in front of me, nervously fiddling with her hands, and then leaned in , as though what she was about to say next was a naughty word. "Girlfriend?" I let out a loud guffaw of laughter, but then quietened down when I realised I had no idea what to say.

"Why don't you ask Aubrey?" So I took to the cowardly route out, as I watched Lisa scurry away to the other side of the pool. It was warmer today, so we'd gone back to our usual routine waterpolo games. It was nice, to be playing with all the excitable kids. However, that meant Aubrey was left off to the side on her own, as we'd yet to find some bracelets in replacement of her own. She also had yet to officially tell my why they were necessary - though we were both well aware of the reason - but that was another problem for another day. A problem for a day in which the hole inside my heart grew, feeding off my doubts, until I could only see the bad and the darkness and the pain. Now I could see the sunshine, and I'd be damned if I forced myself back into the shadows.

I was broken out of my mindless pondering when Lisa came back, looking slightly miffed. I had to hide a laugh as a cough.

"What is it, Lis?"

"Aubrey said to ask you." At that, I couldn't help myself, laughing along with the giggles I could hear on the other side of the pool. She was watching me with amusement that made her eyes look warm, obviously waiting for my response.

"Aubrey, you coward!" I shouted at her, making her double over with laughter.

"You're the coward!"

"Nuh-uh!" Making an impromptu decision, I grabbed Lisa round the waist, throwing her over my shoulder. "And now I'm going to kidnap Princess Lisa until you give me a response." Lisa's laughter joined our own, although most of the kids were watching us with their mouths hanging open. I winked at them, hoping they'd understand that this was all in good fun, but they still looked shocked out of their minds.

"Help me Aubrey!" Lisa shouted from her spot on my back, as Aubrey got up and started running around the edge of the pool to get me. Not wanting the game to be over just yet, I started running too, although it was more walking than anything else. I was smiling so hard my cheeks hurt, looking over at the scene in front of us.

Aubrey was slipping as she ran around, laughing too hard to focus on where she was stepping. The sky above us was blue, birds chirping nearby, and there was a feeling of rightness in the air. And suddenly Aubrey had caught up with us, looking triumphant and breathless, and all I could do was grin.

"So, what's it gonna be princess?" I asked her, hoping this would turn out the way I wanted it to.

"I don't know, what's the question?" She questioned back, her eyes shining with mirth.

"If you're his girlfriend." Supplied Lisa, who was still hanging off my shoulder. Twisting, she made it so she was sitting there instead, looking at Aubrey with wide eyes and childish happiness.

"Hmmm, well if I'm going to save Princess Lisa then I'm going to have to say I am." Lisa cheered from her spot, while I set her down on the floor. As she skipped away with Aubrey, all I could do was smile at them fondly, feeling like my heart wasn't big enough for all the emotions swimming within.

I wanted to run over to her, sweep her up in my arms and never let her go. Or perhaps push her down into the swimming pool with me, making her sputter and complain but ultimately laugh. Anything really, if the end result would be the two of us, lying languidly beside the pool, laughter drifting in the air.

The ball landing beside my feet reminded me of our previous activities, so with a smile and a splash, I went straight back into the game. And if I heard Aubrey cheering from the sidelines, I pretended not to notice, for both our sake and the kid's (I didn't need them traumatised by me kissing her right in front of all of them).

~o~

Luckily, the rest of the day passed quickly, leaving me with an appetite much too large for my body and a hefty serving of mac and cheese.

"I'm so hungry." I mumbled around my first spoonful, making Aubrey roll her eyes and Grace pretend vomit.

"Gross, keep your mouth shut. We know you're hungry, your plate could feed a small family for a week." Grace began, shooting me a smirk. Josh on the other hand looked bored out of his mind, swivelling his food around the plate over and over again. We all averted our eyes, all aside from Grace, who began a quiet conversation with him which most certainly began with 'hey, you alright?'. On my other side, Aubrey turned to me completely, obviously intending to give them some privacy.

"So. That thing before." She stuttered out, blushing so hard her ears tinged pink. I pretended to not understand what she meant, solely to see her blush.

"What thing?" I shielded my thoughts ever so slightly, so my feelings wouldn't give me away so easily, as she grew steadily more flustered.

"I- um- you know. With Lisa. And- the- uh- the pool?"

"Hm, yes, I recall something like that." She finally made eye contact, looking up at me with hope swimming in her eyes, and despite my intentions to keep teasing her, I couldn't do it. "You don't have to be my girlfriend, you know, if that's what this is about." It was my turn to blush now, as my words tangled around one another.

"No, no, I was just asking if _you_ wanted it cos-" She got cut off when Hugh walked up to us, looking stern and red-faced. But then when he saw us, his facade fell just the slightest amount, revealing the sadness in his expression, and I was left feeling cold all over. I knew how to deal with angry Hugh, and with exasperated Hugh, and with I'm-on-my-smoking-break-shut-the-fuck-up Hugh. I'd never seen him look so distressed.

"Dean? It's your dad."

 **Hi :)**

 **I'm so sorry for the cliffhanger! I was going to keep the chapter going but then I realised it was already waaaay too long to have another scene in so... Whoops? xD But if you ignore that last line it's a nice and fluffy chapter, which I do believe was overdue by like 10 chapters haha. So I hope you liked it :)**

 **Guest review thank you time!**

 **\+ Llamacorn, I'm an Ed Sheeran fan as well, you wouldn't believe how many times I've replayed his new album haha. And yeah, I wonder about that too, I mean I read stories about such great guys and then in the real world I'm like 'ew don't touch me' xD But I'm sure you'll find your happiness with a guy as perfect as a book's main character. Wow, you read them twice? That's amazing, thank you so much! So this chapter goes to you :D**

 **\+ Mystery, thanks a bunch for your review as always!**

 **\+ Centa, I know what you mean about wanting stories to just be fluffy haha, it's why I started reading oneshots, they're the best. Thank sos much for your lovely review, it honestly made my day (your reviews always do ngl). So here's another adorable chapter! Hope I did it justice ;)**

 **That's all for now, I'm gonna go sleep for twenty five million years haha. Oh yeah, that reminds me, this chapter's a little (or very, but shh) late cos I've been busy with exams and work and the other story I'm writing, so I hope you can all forgive me for that. I'll see you next week :)**

 **Bye bye xx**


	32. Chapter 32

Dean's POV:

I walked behind Hugh at a brisk pace, centering my eyes dead set on his back so I wouldn't be able to think about anything else. Already the possibilities of whatever he was going to say were rolling through my mind, but I ignored all of them, focusing everything inside of me on remembering to breathe. Behind me, I could feel Aubrey's presence, her stare hot on my neck. I knew she'd stayed where she was whilst we were talking, choosing to let me go on with Hugh on my own, but her mind was roaring and loud next to mine, making it possible for me to pretend that she was right here.

That's all I needed - that's all that would ever seem right. Her by my side, with our hands woven together, and no more than a foot of distance between the two of us. And in these moments of turmoil, when I didn't know if dad had hurt himself or burnt the house down or- or whatever he was capable of, I needed her desperately.

"Hugh, come on man, at least tell me what this is about." I spoke up after a couple beats of silence, just as he opened the door of the cantine, making a gust of air blow our hair back. I breathed in the cool summer air greedily, my cheeks burning with worry as I got more and more flustered.

When he turned around, I let the door shut behind me, the sound loud and echoing. I took a steadying breath, but nothing would prepare me for the way he looked in that moment. Broken down, worried, pitying me, even. The sky was clear and blue above us, the day perfect in every sense of the world, yet I felt as though there were storm clouds in his eyes.

"Hugh?" My voice broke on the single syllable, though I tried to keep my voice steady. Everything ached, and I was so so so afraid because I _knew_ I shouldn't have left dad alone and I knew that he was a danger to himself. Yet I still went on this stupid trip because my psychologist told me it would be good for me. She promised she'd make sure he was ok- she _promised_.

"A nice woman called, saying she was your- your psychologist." He tripped over the word, whilst I started sweating buckets. Even away from the cacophony inside, I still couldn't cool down, everything inside of me imploding. "She asked me to let you know that your dad wasn't doing too good. That he hadn't shown up to his appointments in a week." He continued speaking, but I blanked it out, my pulse beating loudly in my ear to the beat of _run run run_.

Immediately, I started planning. If she hadn't seen him in a week then that meant he was either passed out from drinking too much or passed out from bleeding himself dry. Neither were really favourable options. The third idea that sprung up was even worse - the voice in the back of my head that said he could be way beyond that point. I'd never forgive myself if he passed away whilst I worried about stupid things like summer romance and putting plasters on kid's knees.

Before Hugh could even finish talking, I was walking away, straight towards the cabin. If I packed now and grabbed the extra money I had I could get a taxi to the nearest train station, and from there get a train to Denver. It couldn't be too expensive - at least I'd have to hope. I had $100 I'd stashed in my bag.

I supposed a part of me always knew this would happen.

Aubrey's POV:

I watched Dean leave the room on shaky legs, feeling like icy cold water had been dumped over me. Maybe those were Dean's feelings, maybe they were my own. I supposed by this point the edge between what we each felt was so blurry that it didn't matter who's was who's. I liked it that way.

Grace shot me a worried look, while Josh rolled his head back in boredom, letting out a loud sigh. I ignored them both, pushing my macaroni around my plate with the shitty plastic fork I'd been given. I didn't want to think of what they were talking about outside, I could already feel the heat of Dean's mind against my arm and face. It was like he was going nova, like he'd worry himself into an explosion which would rival stars. Slowly the temperature in the room rose, until I wasn't sure if I'd be able to take it much longer.

I should be out there with him, I should calm him down, I should do _something_. Instead I was sitting here unknowing of what had caused Dean to collapse. Just waiting, as though the world didn't care enough about us to let us have our catastrophe together. That was all that I'd wanted.

"Aubrey, do you know what that was about?" Came Grace's question, after the tension grew to be too much for her. I didn't know and I should but I didn't but-without even realising what was happening, my fork broke in half, the plastic splintering in my fist. Not needing any more indication that I needed to leave, I pushed my chair back, as it screeched against the tiles. I ran out the back door, the heat chasing my heels, and only got relief once I yanked the door open, taking in breaths as deep as I could.

I let a few seconds pass of simply breathing, trying to ignore the growing tension inside my head from Dean. I failed miserably however, and had to stumble as far away as I could to get away from it. My body felt hot and my mind cold, and the world was in flames.

I thought the cabin would provide some solace, being far away from the canteen, but every step I took made the heat more prominent, until I was sure I'd burn up like flash paper. When I opened the door, I finally understood. Dean was here.

He was frantically upending all of the cupboards, with no consideration for order, his movements jolting and overwrought. His cheeks were flushed bright red, his eyes blown wide, and if he hadn't looked so scared, he would've been the most beautiful person in the universe. I watched silently for a few moments, until I felt the heat from his mind would choke me if I didn't do anything about the situation.

"Dean, hey, what are you doing?" He had yet to notice me until I spoke up, making him stumble and fall when I startled him. I couldn't help but let out a little laugh as I helped him back up. "You ok?"

"No." His cutting comment made me stop cold. I knew this was bad, that something had happened, but I hadn't realised how terrible the situation had really gotten. I hadn't gotten any mental messages from him, hadn't had any panic attacks or bouts or never-ending sadness. I thought it was simply a bump, that everything would go back to normal. From his expression, I knew it wouldn't. "I need to go."

"What do you mean you need to go?" I asked, my voice a small sliver in the room that was being taken apart by Dean's frustrations. I wouldn't be surprised if he lighted a fire under his feet with all the pacing he was doing. He was running the floorboards smooth. All the while, I stayed stock still in the middle of the chaos, feeling as though my world was falling apart.

Which was selfish, because something had obviously happened to his dad for him to have to leave so suddenly, yet all I could think about was how I never wanted to be away from him. I thought we'd agreed to do things together from now on. He'd promised, and now I was all alone again.

"Dean?"

"Something happened to my dad, I need to go help out." I already knew that this would be the turn of events, that he had no more immediate family and of course the responsibility would fall on his shoulders. That was all Dean's narrative was - someone being in distress and him swooping in to help no matter what. He'd done that with half the kids in this camp, he'd done it with Josh and Grace, he'd done it with _me_. Now it was just his dad's turn, and so his life continued, a conglomeration of other people's duress. I wished I could reach in and drag him out, even if he clawed at the ground and screamed at me to stop.

"Maybe you should think about this-" I began, but he shot me a look that made me close my mouth straight away. If I couldn't get him out, maybe I'd just have to dive in. And, yes, I was terrified. But Dean had helped me oh so much, and I loved him. This was nothing, I told myself. Still, the world felt as though it was in the balance. "I'll come with you."

 **Hi :)**

 **Ok I don't have much time today cos I may or may not have an exam I'm supposed to be revising for right now, so I'll jump straight into the guest thank you. Also, I just thought I should mention, I'm really sorry this is shorter than usual, but the next chapter will be really fluffy and long, pinky promise :)**

 **\+ Mystery, thank you!**

 **\+ Llamacorn, ikr, his new songs are just too good. Which one's you favourite in his new album? Ahh, I'm sorry! Hopefully this chapter solved that last cliffhanger a bit? xD Thank you so much! I actually have considered a career in writing, but I'm probably just going to do it alongside another career which will fund it as a hobby. I don't think my writing will really get me anywhere haha. Thanks for your review, it was really sweet!**

 **\+ Guest, maybe you should consider reading another story? I appreciate my story isn't for everyone, and that's alright. You seem to have a lot of anger though, maybe you should get that checked**

 **\+ Rose03, ahh thank you! Well, I haven't quite answered that question yet, but soon I promise xD**

 **\+ Centa, yeah, it makes me wish I could just reread some over and over so that the feeling will last a bit longer haha. I promise more fluff next chapter too, I just had to keep feeding the fluff through, although I do want my poor babies to have some fun at some point in this book. I feel so mean haha. Thanks to the moon and back, you're the sweetest :)**

 **Alrighty, that's all, have a nice week. Fingers crossed I can get my life together enough to actually update on time next week haha**

 **Bye bye! xx**


	33. Chapter 33

Dean's POV:

When Aubrey spoke up, I felt like a bucket of cold water had been thrown over me. Immediately, I froze, turning slowly to stare at her, open-mouthed. Every thought that had been making my mind turbulent shushed down to a whisper, giving me a second of absolute silence.

"What?" I asked, the word practically an exhale. I felt my heart clenching, but wasn't sure what to do about it. The issue of my dad was still very prominent, but now my heart ached for an entirely different reason.

"Yeah. I'll go. I don't want you facing… this, alone." She said, motioning around me at the mess I was making. "Whatever 'this' is." I didn't know what came over me, but all I could do was cover my face with my hands, so overwrought with emotion. I was crying, maybe, but my body was so numb that I wasn't entirely sure. Everything was falling apart around me, and here Aubrey was, offering me a hand out of the rubble, and all I could do was cry. And cry and cry and cry. Like the useless human being I was.

It felt like this whole past year had been leading to this moment. Every worry for my dad, every smidge of depression that made my head cloudy and ache, every smile from Aubrey. It had all culminated and I could do nothing but watch it happen, because I was breaking to pieces.

"Hey, shh, it's ok, I'm sure your dad will be fine." She whispered, her voice approaching me. When her hand came in contact with my arm, i flinched away, before I could pull myself together. I didn't want her seeing me like this, but after all we'd gone together, that was foolish at best. Hoping she wouldn't see my hesitation, I bundled her into my arms, whispering thank you over and over again. "Don't thank me. After all you've done for me this summer…"

"Stop. I love you."

"I love you too." And if I cried harder at that, neither of us noticed.

~o~

The car trip was quiet, with Aubrey leaning against my side as the taxi driver tried to make conversation with us. I was the only one who really replied, Aubrey grimacing silently beside me. She never made a noise, or moved more than necessary, as though we'd both forget she was there and leave her be. I needed a distraction more than anything in that moment, but was afraid of causing her more grief, so stayed silent too, simply answering the driver with short replies.

Soon, we arrived at the train station, and I had to hold back a whimper. The closer we got, the more my chest burnt. She must've noticed, because her leaning turned into fierce hugging. I wished… I didn't know what I wished for. Maybe that we could be somewhere, anywhere else. Maybe that her hugging me would lead to release in the tension that was making my muscles stiff and my mind shake with the pressure of the world. Maybe that I knew what the hell had happened to my dad. Or maybe nothing, nothing at all. Where were you supposed to start putting your life back together when you're stood in the rubble?

"Dean? We need to get out of the taxi." Aubrey spoke up, making me realise we'd long since stopped. I puffed out my cheeks, taking a deep breath, trying to force myself out. In the end it took her opening the door and dragging me out by the hand. Otherwise, I wasn't sure what I'd done. Perhaps asked him to drive me to the beach.

I'd only been to the beach once, when I was 12. My dad had packed a whole picnic basket full of food, arguing with my mum as he made it, because she kept stealing the mini peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I remembered using their argument to sneak out a few for me. When we got to the beach, the air was crisp, and if I breathed deep deep deep, I could taste the salt on my tongue. We splayed a blanket out on the sand, so my parents could keep well away from the sand, whilst I rolled around in it. I kicked up as much of it as I could, running my fingers through the golden grains, laughing as I got it in my hair and on my chest and absolutely everywhere.

I wanted to go back to the beach. I could still hear my mum's laugh if I focused hard enough, could feel the saltwater that felt so great and tasted so bitter. The sandwiches and my dad smiling brightly, like a summer sky inside a human body. It had been a long time since his body had turned into an impenetrable night.

"Dean? Are you alright?" Her voice snapped me out of my reverie, as I noticed we'd gotten onto the train.

"Um, yeah, just remembering things."

"Oh, like what?" I knew she was now in full distraction mode, trying to keep me well and far away from my dark thoughts. I didn't have the heart to tell her that nothing would help.

"Just things from before my mum… you know."

"Yeah." Her voice was soft - everything about her in that moment was soft. Her smile and the jumper she held tightly over her hands, and the small frown between her brows. I had to stop myself from smoothening it out, but then decided life was too short, so I kissed it away. She smiled when I pulled away, her gaze still tender.

"My dad used to be full of life. My mum was his soulfinder you see, and they… Oh they were brilliant together. For every quiet moment of hers, he was twice as loud, and vice versa. She was the sun, he was the moon, and there was never a moment of darkness in my life. But it turns out that when the sun goes out, so does the moon, and everything slowly disintegrates, leaving a broken boy in the middle of the chaos."

"Oh Dean." She exhaled, like the pain I was transmitting to her was too much to hold inside her body. I tried to pull my mind back, but found she had a hold on it too strong to be able to break. Whether that was on purpose or not, was still up in the air. I wanted to think that her mind was so used to me that it subconsciously refused to let me go - that my thoughts were so entwined with hers that trying to severe them by this point would be a lost cause.

"I'm sorry, I know I'm being really depressing."

"You don't have to apologise. This will all work out, don't worry."

"But what if it doesn't? What if I go over there and my dad's dead in the middle of the kitchen floor?" I felt tears building in my eyes, my heartbeat resounding in my ears. "What if I see him and he's surrounded by liquor and week-old bowls of cereal and blood, more blood than you'd ever think would be contained within one human."

If I closed my eyes, I could see it. Slowly, the image I had of my mum, bleeding out on the floor, morphed into my dad. I'd repressed this for so long, and now that I'd opened my mouth, I couldn't stop.

"You wouldn't believe how red it is, how it aches to look at. But once you do, you can't look away, and it burns into your eyes, so that every time you blink all you see is blood, blood everywhere. You close your eyes tight, trying to draw the image out, but it's all you can see, all you can think about, and it starts poisoning your mind. Everything hurts and aches and you want to cry but you can't because there's nothing there. The blood burns every thought outside of you, until you're a corpse walking around in the body of a boy who's too alive. And just when I thought I was getting better, when I could finally sleep at night and stop thinking about how my soulfinder will end up just like that, this fucking happens.

"I'll see him, and the blood will burn all over again. I can't do it. I _can't_."

I found it hard to breathe in the train, so I found myself standing up before I really knew what I was doing. It wasn't like there was any escape off this place. Aubrey copied my movements, tears free-flowing down her face.

"Don't- please." I spat out, not entirely sure whether I was breathing anymore.

"Dean, sit down, come on, we'll sort this out. Your dad will be fine, he will be. You just have to believe that he loved you enough." Those words were enough to break me all over again, because I didn't think he did. My dad loved my mum, he loved her more than the stars, more than the beach, more than any and every flower on earth. And a love like that's poisonous, it kills. He wouldn't love me enough to stay alive.

Maybe that's why I was so convinced of what the outcome would be once I opened that door.

 **Hi :)**

 **Ahhh, I'm so so sorry! My life is such a disaster at the moment, and tbh I barely have time for homework, but hopefully I can get it all together by next week. I get two weeks of holidays now, and though I'm working a lot more, I should have time to sort everything out and get writing again. Thanks for being so patient with me!**

 **I don't have time to say thank you properly today, cos I need to start revising again, but to all those of you who reviewed, thank you so much, you're the one thing that keeps this story tbh, and you wouldn't believe how much I appreciate you guys. Thank again, and I'll see you next week!**

 **Bye bye xx**


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